I sometimes feel like my life is not my own. Like I inhabit it, but it's kind of unreal or intangible to me. Especially now. I remember feeling like this after moving away from Fargo after high school. I just up and left. When the plane touched down in the desert, I instantly started living a whole nother existence. The background scenes, the characters--completely different from before.
When I called up my old friends, I realized the movie was still playing for them. Even though I had left the theater. It's weird to snap your fingers. Change your life. And the beat goes on...
I guess it's the transition stage. The part where you feel groundless. I'm trying to get my bearings; I'm trying to decide who I am here. When I moved from Fargo to Phoenix, I became someone else. Someone better.
Truthfully though, I probably was that person for awhile, but my old circumstances and friends and decisions were on auto-repeat. Because of my geography I never pushed forward (not that it wasn't possible). That move gave me the power to become who I already was. Break free from the destructions and delusions of the younger me.
While older now, twelve years of a person more, I expect the same from this move. Growth. Different than what I needed at age 18, but growth all the same. This is a chance to jump into a more evolved version of the self. I want to embrace her. Say hello.
I want to be more. I want to give more too.
I want to take this clean slate and fill it with fulfilled dreams and loved ones and this place called home.
5 comments:
"There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
"Where ever you go, there you are."
"You can run, but you can not hide."
And there must be at least a million other brillant quotes that discuss this phenomenon or perception that if only I was somewhere else, I'd be happier/different/better! Yet there is truth that if the people around you see you in such-in-such a way you feel obligated to behave to fulfill their expectations. Different surroundings expose us to different thoughts/ideas/experiences that enable us to grow, yet we can not run from the core of who we are. Our values determine our center of being and after a period of exploring other people's viewpoint, we usually come right back around to our own. That being said, you will grow because you are looking for that to happen. It just might not look like what you think that it should at this point but hindsight is always clearer.
i liked my life/my self in arizona, but felt like, the past couple years, it didn't quite feel right. Intuitively I knew I didn't want to raise a family there. so now, in my new place, where i want to grow roots for good, i do feel kind of groundless in the short term, but know that life will kind of fall into place around me as time marches on. I hate X factors tho, but gotta just live the moment :-)...
that's true! no getting around that & unfortunately it takes a while for a place to feel like home.
You greatest achievement is just simply Being Yourself, Always. Once you have kids you do lose that sense of 'Self' but you are Mom while in the midst of it. In the moment living, really really think about that!!! We rarely do that. We rush from one day to the next until it all is just a blur. Then we wonder how the heck did I get here?.
Post a Comment