Couldn't sleep last night for the life of me. Woefully, with nostalgic gusto and internal good-byes, I puffed and put out my last cigarette before bed. Laid next to Dave, reading "The Power of Now," until flipping the lamp off. Tossed and turned (people say that a lot but I really did), until hours later, night ate me alive.
Morning sounds an alarm. Get up. Shower. Iron outfit. Pour coffee. And then, like a soldier mindfully preparing for battle, carefully cut open "the patch" and apply it to my hidden skin. It's right under my heart and I start to worry. Rip it off. Re-apply to the side. What organ gets poisoned now? It starts to itch.
Work is easy. First day paperwork filled out in the back room. Nothing to fret for, lose sleep for...I think about yesterday and scribble a note to my ego: 'See? Dumbass...' Right after leaving, I tear off the clear plastic nicotine bandage in my car. I don't need it. Work is weak this week (only one more day); so I'm free to feel the Junkie scream as I smother him. There's no better way to quit than cold turkey--cold sweats and crawling skin, make me feel alive.
Thinking all day about that book from last night. Trying hard to find the narrow edge of Now, the razor slit of time wedged between the open-wound Past and the healed Future. Tolle insists that's where bliss is; it's the only place where things get done. The Now presents a moment2moment inner purpose of ours; that is, to access the Now right Now, which in essence, is always.
Don't let the present be a means to an end. That doesn't mean not having goals. Goals are essential for your "outer purpose." But make sure you FEEL and BE in your present. Own it completely. It relieves one of the ego attachment to the future, which doesn't exist.
All spiritual jive aside, these thoughts guide me today. Stay grounded. Don't think, "you'll be better when..." Perfection is now, which is what this journey is all about. Finding that space and feeling good there.
1 comment:
I love your writing.
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