Day Seven - Oh Why This?

I'm eating ice cream and pizza. Soda and chips. Mostly because it feels like my lungs want to lunge out of my chest. My throat screams at itself. I'm getting too much oxygen. My head is heavy and breathing. All I know about today is that I want to sleep, so I don't have to feel my uncomfortable body as it fights with my head. My head keeps calmly placing my starving addiction in the corner: No, sit, stay here. It's for your own good.

I somehow made it through work feeling light and nice. Stumbling through customer questions, remembering not so much, feeling satisfied.

A few hours, and it's yoga. I think thank goodness. We'll see. It's the beginning of it, haven't exercised this much since college perhaps. Can't remember what it feels like to be full of health. If ever there was...

Wondering if my personality hinges on my downfalls, my negative selfs. Or worse, wonder if this chasing perfection is just an American obsession that is actually pure narcissism? Have I fallen victim to a cliche?

So why want this, I ask myself. And the answer is many-fold. First, just to follow a nagging feeling. Secondly, I feel like I have a real opportunity and genuine perspective right now to actually try and see what happens. Perhaps nothing does, and I simply feel better. I want to know what that means--to feel better.

Also, I have this annoying tug that tells me 'Most people do way more than you.' And it makes me feel guilty. Because I'm able-bodied and smart. I didn't have a tragic childhood, and people tend to like me (debatable, I know). Shouldn't I have done more by now?

And so, I figure, now's a great time, as good as any, to tackle the things I've always thought I wanted to do, small or large. Even if I don't think they add up to any one thing, or career, atleast I'm doing something. I'm very much hoping this attempt will atleast remove the low-grade discontent and restlessness. It's pretty much the only good idea I have left.

I'm not sure if it's good enough, or even hits the mark. But I really have a sneaking suspicion that it really was this easy all along. Do what you know will make you feel good. And you do know what it is, I'll betcha. Most people don't do that (me included) because it's just too scary or time-consuming, and deep-down, we're afraid to win.