Day One - A Manifesto

I've moved to San Diego now. It's been phenomenal to have so many changes in my life--it's been awhile. First off, I got married. To Dave. The love of my life. Next up--turning 30! Then, a crazy honeymoon foray into international territories. Then, we quick-moved to San Diego. Land of the 75 degree weather. A far cry from our hot desert Phoenix sun.

And now I'm here. I'm lonely. I miss my friends. I miss the hot sun. And most of all, I miss Dave. He's working so much, and since I'm not working at all, it seems like days are long and quiet. But it's all part of the master plan--the key to our journey in this ocean town.

For now, it's the ticking of the clock. The long string of Pandora songs filling the all-beige apartment. The cats laying around, vying for attention. I am left alone with my thoughts, the aftermath of the string of parties and celebrations. I am picking out paint colors and furniture, thinking this is enough for me, for right now. Walk slowly, notice your breath.

Since college, I've wanted to leave Phoenix. It isn't the place for me--I felt that. I've thought of things that move me, like my future children. Where do I want them? What landscape do I want them to breathe? And, for some reason, if only a gut feeling, an intuition, whispered 'go, just go.'

But as it often is with love, you stay--because sometimes that's bigger than what you want RIGHT NOW. I even resigned myself to stay, forever if I had to, to feel the love I share with Dave. But my now husband must have heard me, in my nighttime pleading, that geography mattered to me, dreams were waiting for me--somewhere else. And in his desire to love me, to care about what matters to me, he manifested a solution. I consider it a wedding present.

There's something here for me. And with my post-wedding 'what the hell now?' feelings, I am energized as never before. I realize after its all said and done, that I still struggle with many of the same perceived shortcomings I felt in myself before all the hoopla. What if I tried/did/accomplished my "life to-dos"? That misty list....Wouldn't I be a better person? Wouldn't I somehow be drastically changed?

These things I've always shelved to do someday, but not today...there's not enough time. But this year, is a year of transformation. I desperately want to see what's on the other side of this.