Today feels a little bit like panic. My thoughts are nervous. Tomorrow I start my new job, which is exciting, on the cusp of fun. However, coupled with the fact that it happens to lands on my predetermined "quit smoking" day, I'm absolutely terrified. All day and yesterday, my head ping-pongs back and forth. Should I push back my quit day one or two weeks? Should I forgo cold turkey for patches? Should I power through, keeping my prior commitment?
The last thought makes me feel like a warrior. I will overcome and defeat the enemy, no matter what the conditions. This is a challenge; I'll meet it head on! And non-smokers cheer.
Yet almost any self-respecting smoker or prior smoker will read this and know--quitting smoking on your first day of work is a big no-no. According to most quitting smoking help guides, cessation is stressful and should be done at a time of relative normalcy. For example, not on your first day at your new job.
Compounding my fears is my fear of jobs in general. Always a star employee, always valued. Suddenly expendable. My smart self tells me I was "saved" from those jobs. But now with this job, my scarred subconscious warns, "you're not safe, you never know, you just never know." What if in my withdrawals (which paralyze in the first few weeks), they deem me flighty and unteachable? My ego pleads with me, 'you can't lose this job, you'll crumble to bits.'
But isn't it powerful to be brave? Yes. It is. And that's what this year is about. And so I pause. Read this here. Sense my fears. Choke them. And compromise: instead of my normal cold turkey, I'll settle on the patch. Sixty dollars later and I have a plastic bag with the goods, a few hours left to smoke until tomorrow, and a thick tight knot in my chest.
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