Letter to a 13-month-old

Dear Dax/Daxy/Daxadocious,

Would you stop getting cooler and cooler and funner and funner? I don't think my heart can take it, it's going to explode. Especially in the mornings when I'm all sleepy and I don't want to hear your giggles, and I try to get you to stay asleep by snuggling in the bed with us but you always get squirmy and at some point you sit up and smile at me as if you alone own JOY. And I can't help but geniuinely smile, because I got blessed with the happiest brightest eyes and smile at 7am in the damn morning erg.

Then Daddy, bless his heart, gets up and does a quick babyproof (stair gate hitched, cat's water removed, phone up high), before we put you on the floor to toddle around like a maniac, moving things to and fro, while Daddy gets ready for work and I try to peel my brain from my deep dark awesome sleep and into the present which requires me to get up and do stuff. Lots of stuff. All day.

When Daddy leaves, I throw in the towel and leave the most cozy place on the planet to scoop you up and take you downstairs where we turn on some light morning tunes and cook breakfast together. You still like to cuddle up with me in the sling in the mornings as I waltz around the kitchen breaking eggs and chopping peppers and cutting fruit. I love to smell the top of your head and ruffle the curls by your neck.

You and me eat much of the same things and almost the same amounts, although you randomly get picky about weird things now, like too-soggy textures and hidden broccoli in macaroni. You still throw unacceptable things on the floor. While I've gotten 100 times better at sweeping & mopping, your habits of food dispensing cause the kitchen to look destroyed more often than I'd like to admit.

The rest of the day, I try to keep you out of the house and busy during the day or you get crazy and cranky. We go to my mom's playdate group at lot, and we go on walks in the neighborhood, and I run errands with you and take you to the park. I try to leave the house every day to keep your hunger-for-exploration satiated. Plus, we still have lots of visitors that keep you thrilled. Beth came this month again, and we finally planted those winter vegetables!

Your 13th-month started out with some extra time with your Grandma Deb after everyone else left. We took you to the nearby pumpkin patch where you were wheeled around in a wheelbarrow through the rows of bright orange pumpkins.

The main reason we went was because of the petting zoo. Your Grandma loves to introduce you to animals. She has her own farm up in Alaska where she teaches kids all about the farm and the animals and the food there. She wants to make sure you know all about it too! You did great with the goats & the llama & the camels.

A couple of days later, we took you to the Wild Animal Park up in Escondido for your first time! You fell asleep in my arms right as we took off on the big safari to see the giraffes, but when you woke up you got to see elephants & gorillas & monkeys & loons & all sorts of other fun stuff.

After your Grandma and Vito left, your father and I took you back to the pumpkin patch! Your Daddy wheeled you around this time in the wheelbarrow. They had all sorts of odd opportunities for photo-ops scattered around the little carnival, so I capitalized on the weirdness and took some shots.

how handsome is your father, geeezz?!

You have been sick all stinking month kid. I think my breastmilk is broken because it doesn't seem to be helping you at all. I feel like I am failing you. I think I need to carry sanitizer and wash your hands more, because this is getting ridiculous. 

You got well long enough at the end of the month to make it to a few Halloween events. My mom's playdate group set up a fun event at the park where everyone decorated the trunks of their cars and the dressed-up kids trick-or-treated from car to car. You wore an old polyester suit that your daddy had when he was young! You looked so dapper in your vintage pants and vest.

you don't eat candy, but I do let you play with it!

this is you with some of the other kids in their costumes

The actual day of Halloween was a very scary day for us though. You woke up and you were very wheezy and your breath was very heavy. It looked like you were struggling to breathe and your heartbeat was very fast. At the pediatrician's office, he was worried he might have to send you off to the hospital, but the breathing treatments we did there worked to calm down your breath. We were there almost all day as the doc checked all sorts of things and did a chest xray to check for pneumonia (I hated this one the worst!). You were diagnosed with severe bronchiolitis and we were sent home with a nebulizer to give you treatments every four hours.

Your Daddy and I pulled a mattress into your bedroom and your Daddy got up all night long and counted your breaths to make sure they weren't too high. We figured you needed a really good rest, so we just kept checking on you instead of waking you up all night. The next day you were much better and the pediatrician looked relieved. You recovered almost completely by the next day as if nothing had happened. Kid, oh kid, I can't imagine what other parents go through during a tough illness or something worse. It makes me ill to even think about. 

Dax in one of my fave cloth diapers & the first pair of shoes that  truly fit right

I have the best news ever for you though. This month, for the first time EVER, you slept through the night. It happened when the fams was here. We thought something happened to you, but you were always safe & sound. We thought it was a fluke, but it just kept happening. We couldn't believe it. What an enormous treat to sleep uninterrupted for 6-9 hours! I felt refreshed actually!

You still take two naps, but are getting close to transitioning to one. You smile and laugh all the time. You say 'dada' when I say 'bathtime' because he gives you most of your baths. You freak out when I take something away that you want. You chase Diego all around no matter how many times I say 'gentle buddy' and 'careful buddy.' You get a twinkle in your eye when you know you are doing something I don't want you to do. You know the words 'ball' and 'book' and 'blanket' and many others. Your understanding seems more and more each day. 

You are the light of my life, little buddy. You have filled my life with an enormous sense of purpose that I've never felt before. Life is harder, funner, fuller, and more amazing than ever before. I pray that I can be the mother that you need me to be.