Watch What Happens

Sometimes when we're all alone. Shuffling baby from this room to that. Taking care. I take care. It's nice to break. Have a break. Take a break. To reset and do the things you've been meaning to do. This is what happened when my Dad and my Stepmom swooped into town this weekend.

I finally prepped my fluffy mail by washing and rewashing to reach its absorbency. And my Dad, with his handyman skills, finally helped me solve the problem of the clothesline. I didn't want one just hanging about the yard, big and bulky. So my Dad installed a retractable clothesline from the house that attaches to the fence.

sneak peek of the diaper stash on the new clothesline

And with the help around, I also worked on getting my little guy to nap alone (i.e. not in my arms or a sling or a carseat). As I type, he's all by self, napping like a rock star. He dislikes sleeping on his back (he prefers an incline in his bed), so he made major strides this weekend. 

Saturday a.m.: Dax & Diego Taking a Nap

I also painted a wall a pretty muted blue, went shopping, AND went on a date with my husband. WHAT?! If only I could convince them to stay...

 Grandpa Gary & Nonni Mary & Dax in the backyard

Sunday Reading - The Happiest Baby on the Block

I love books. Heart books. Live for books. Even as a little girl, I was like an A+ when it came to book report time. Read how many books? Pswhhhaaa, no problem. So now I am starting a new thing here on my blog to share with you my favorite books that I'm reading and why they're totally awesome. It's called "Sunday Reading." I hope you find some books to read, and share with me your loves too.

This book has been a savior to Dave and I. We have together almost ZERO experience with babies. This book gave us some extremely useful tools that literally carried us through these first four months of Dax's life.

We were introduced to celebrity pediatrician, Harvey Karp M.D., during the only pre-baby class we took: Baby Basics. The star of the show (and author of the book) demonstrates how to calm a crazed crying newborn baby. Karp's theory is that the first four months of a newborn's life are called "the fourth trimester." That babies miss the coziness of their mama's belly and the best way for us to help them through this rough transition from womb to earth is to simulate the conditions of the uterus: snug, loud, and lots of movement. He uses what he calls the five S's: swaddling, side position, shushing, swinging, and sucking.

Our little Dax was kind of a fussy (I like to think he's simply particular about his likes and dislikes). At times, to calm him down, we used all five S's in sequence. AND THEY WORKED LIKE A CHARM.

First off, we swaddled Dax from almost Day One with these easy-to-use swaddle blankets from Summer Infant:

And then we followed the other four. First, on his side (or tummy or against your body on a rocking chair).  Then, we utilized either white noise or shushing in their ear. I prefer white noise (rain sound or heartbeat works best for Dax).  Next,  a soft jiggle motion, or a swing, or rocking or even a car ride (motion) works great too. And finally, sucking: Top off with a pacifier, bottle, or breast. Dax was then The Happiest Baby on the Block!

I can certainly attest to the fact that using these principles work.  You can pick and choose different ways that work for you. While I was uncomfortable performing some of his methods (like this little shaking motion he does), but Dave was confident with them. And plus, he gives alternatives, so if one method doesn't work, he suggests others that accomplish the same goal.

Perhaps not necessary for an easier baby, but truly for us it was a lifesaver for those first few months. It helped that Dave really got into it. I loved seeing him go through the S's to relax our little guy.

Best of all, the book constantly reminds you: You Can't Spoil a Newborn Baby! Give your newborn as much love and attention you can give. Great advice for any new parent.

The State of Our Union

It is dark in the house early now.  We are so tired, exhausted. I barely have enough energy to tell you things anymore, parts of my day, share pieces of memory. I don't want to talk. I want to sleep.

I take a bath, and I can hear you in the other room cooing at our son. I know he must be looking up at you, eyes squinted in delight. I smile to myself, count my blessings.

I want to detach though. I want to roll into myself, think my own thoughts. I don't know why, but I can't.  My thoughts are wrapped up in that wobbly bundle of ours. I'm always analyzing, how to make things better. I pick up a book. It's about babies. I chide myself for my lack of interest in fiction anymore. I used to find such solace there. But I can't bring myself to read my unread paperback.

I know you're tired too. Those long days when you leave the house before dawn to work, when you wake up in the night to trudge into your car and drive through the dark and the hills. When you return home through the dark and the hills, the headlights like an unbroken necklace of twinkle lights on the highway. And when you arrive to the yellow warmth of our home, you must see that look in my eye, the one that says, "I've had a long day, would you take him?"

But you're so kind and good, because you don't complain or sigh; you just peel off your coat deliberately and then you pick him up and oogle him. And so I breathe.

I love you for that.

We've gotten into more of a rhythm. Those itsy-bitsy newborn hours are over. The blur of days and nights in wake-sleep-wake-sleep-wake. The spurts of adrenaline that pushed us through those first weeks. The nights where I didn't sleep and just listened, begging the still white moon hanging in the window for the sound of my baby's breath. The nightmare thoughts of losing baby, pulling him into bed between us just to be closer to him. I felt like a bear protecting her cub.

I don't feel like that anymore. Dax feels strong and hearty. In the wee hours of the night when everything is hushed and tired, we hear him wake and squirm and fuss. You get out of bed and go to him, arms like oak pulling him from his bed to comfort him. I hear you pat his back as you bring him to me, lay his little body next to me. You turn his head towards me, showing him where the food is. It is your gift to him. Your guidance.

And then you might say you love me as you shuffle back to your side of the bed. You might lay your hand on my hip in the dark as our baby nurses. When he's sleeping and snoring and breathing soft and languid you take him back slowly. I love your gentleness. I love you.

It is this rhythm that moves us through the weeks. A true team. As we've never been before. And when I'm too tired you let me lean on you and I do the same for you. And so it goes...

I miss you though. I do. I miss the just you and me. I don't want it back. No. I get it: things have changed. Irrevocably. Un-change-back-able. We are new. Different. Beloved. Better even. Revolving around a new planet. Bigger than us. The sum of us.

But I'm just saying, sometimes in the night I want us to be just alone again. So I can curl my body into yours at will--without worry or ears perked, without body and mind pitched towards our baby. I want to breath you completely again. Focus with my whole heart.

These are juvenile thoughts. Useless, I know. But just know that I think of you always. The state of our union is stronger now, even though we seem to be circling in separate orbits, we revolve around our son. But baby, I love you with everything. You're my universe.        

Stop What You're Doing

Having baby has been an exercise in restraint. That tight rein feels like lifetimes ago though...when I had to give up things and get used to things. NOW I'm all used to it--I hold the rein soft in my fingers. Sometimes I forget it's even there.

In January of 2010, when we found out I was pregnant, I gave up my almost weekly date with a bottle of wine. First off, you're thinking, a bottle? And I'm nodding my head yes. Did I finish it? Not always. But I always tried.  Being originally from North Dakota I've been surrounded by a peer group that would argue 'that's nothing.'  Now, well over a year into extreme moderation (I enjoy a glass of wine on a rare occasion), my body would most likely disagree. Do I miss it? Sometimes. But with breastfeeding and teeny babies, I don't partake in anything resembling debauchery.

While I was pregnant, I also consumed a cup of coffee per day. And when Dax was born, I upped it to two. I read that caffeine in moderation while breastfeeding would be fine. When we wondered why our infant son didn't sleep well, I quit. I wanted to eradicate any "ifs" from the equation. And I hated to admit it, but quitting caffeine helped. Dax slept easier than he ever had before.

And so here I am: boozeless, caffeine less, and even cigarette less. Stronger? Sure. In dire need of a girl's night out? Absolutely.

Instead,
we push further.

Dave has been feeling all sorts of ick lately. His job is so stressful that he has gained weight over the last year, and it's really been bothering him lately. I assure him that I think he's super hot like all the time and he like totally is, but it's hard to convince someone of that when they aren't feeling it.

So we got together and decided to do some lifestyle changes. For one, I gained a pretty hefty addiction to sugar while pregnant. And for two, even though I'm fairly thin, I don't think it's good to eat junk even if it doesn't cause weight gain. It affects the mental and long-term health. Third, eating better is on my list of to-dos this year. Last, I want to give Dax the best formulated milk EVER!

We decided to write out a list. A list of five things we wouldn't eat. We could eat anything else. Just not these things:

candy
ice cream
chips
soda
fast food

Extra caveat: Pizza only on Saturdays. That might sound silly to ya'll, but we LOVE ourselves some pizza.

Extra caveat: Once a month, we eat whatever the f we want. Coming soon...Superbowl Sunday!

And so there it is. I didn't think my addiction to sugar was that bad, until the last couple days I've had a debilitating headache and mood swings like a mad woman. It's amazing too, when you deny yourself something, it brings to light how often you reach for things.

There's our challenge. Trying to break our bad habits without being too crazy strict about it. Trying to make lifestyle changes. The theory is: when you can't reach for your go-to crap basket, you'll be forced to make healthier choices. So far we're feeling pretty good.  I'll keep you posted...

What have you all done to create better eating habits?

Evolution of a Pregnant Belly

Feeling a little nostalgic about pregnancy lately. I felt so different while growing my baby, the hormones and days were tilted just so. I felt quiet and protective. Insular. And forever changed. I saw a little newborn the other day and felt I already needed another one. Luckily, the moment passed quickly :-). We will wait. We will wait for the moment. For the right one. We will know, just know--when to find when to birth when to meet--our next little one...Until then, here's the evolution of a pregnant belly...in memoriam.

Stats: 

Gained 40 lbs during pregnancy

four months postpartum--5 lbs from pre-pregnancy weight

actually took this the day I went into labor :-)

this is me at the three months postpartum mark. Belly soft, but back to thin. A little bulge left where my little angel grew...

The Greatest Show on Earth

I had this whole post ready to write last night in my head. It was all about how fabulous I am, you know, as a mom. How we, my lovely husband and I have our baby down pat because we had a couple of days in a row where he did what we wanted of him:

1) Not out of sleep until 8:30 a.m. when the alarm goes off and
2) Two lovely naps through the day, adding up to approximately five hours of daytime sleep and
3) Down to sleep at 9:30 p.m.

We've been kind of working our schedule with him lately. We've been trying to find a balance between:

1) What he naturally tends to do and
2) What we'd like him to do

And that is how we came up with the aforementioned times noted above. And once we sat down and wrote these things on paper, we figured, They Must Be.

And so, off we went--running into the sunflower-covered meadow of parenthood with our whistles blowing such joyous tunes as we worked our schedule. And the sun shone brightly upon us. Yes it did. Oh yes it did.

As a few days went by, our little boy just went with us like a little perfect angel baby. And so we figured we had Cracked The Code. And we were Like Totally Awesome. And probably The Best Parents That Ever Lived.

And last night I wrote the best blog in my head about how Like Totally Awesome We Are.

And then,

Today Happened.

-----------------------

(Needless to say, when my angel baby awoke at 5 a.m. without any urgency to return to angel baby sleep, the rest of the day followed in a similar non-conforming to our perfectly laid plans way. Naps were 20 minutes or worse, 5. Nighttime was a fussy mess. etc. etc. etc. and so on and so forth.)

That blog post will be in Draft form for awhile. And as parents,

So will we...  

Tummy Time

The Baby Linebacker

Dax is a big boy. Like 16 pounds at three months. When the pediatrician saw him, he smirked, "Well he obviously isn't having any problems gaining weight." And I laughed. He's well over the 90th percentile. 

Part of me kind of thinks these growth charts are a little bogus though. Perhaps they might need to be updated or something. I mean if 20 percent of the kids these days are over the 90th percentile, doesn't that mean the chart is off? Only 10 percent of kids should be over the 90th percentile. That's how percentiles work. It sure seems to me like lots of kids are in that high range now. When was the last time they updated that thing?  Isn't it possible that through growth and evolution and all that that we as a species ARE getting a little bigger?   

I obviously love my little guy, big or small, BUT I can't help but wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Dax eats every 2-4 hours when he's hungry. He is exclusively breastfed. He sleeps in five to eight hour stretches at night. Everything I've read says you can't overfeed a breastfed baby. But then again, what does anybody really know? Isn't it all just speculation? 

My mom instincts say that he is perfect and fine and that I'm doing everything right by him. His hefty weight makes me feel like he's a survivor storing up fats and food. If he were a cave baby he'd be mighty hearty stock. He'd definitely make it through the winter. 

But still, one can't help but wonder. Especially with all the rounding out of kids these days. Is my adorable chunky baby going to be a rotund kid or adult? Everyone says, "He's going to be a linebacker." And I laugh. But inside I'm kinda like, "Really?" 

Did any of your babies or anyone you know have babies in high percentiles? How'd they turn out? I've heard long and lean before. Fact? Fiction? 

On Being a Parent

Time Has Sped Up.

Time Is Slipping Away.

I want to run through the meadow of my memories and capture all the pictures...

those Flitting Fireflies of Thought and Color.

I want to bottle them up and put them on my counter so I can Look at Them.

I want to remember The Past, because He Is In It.

Every day he gets bigger and becomes Something Else Altogether,

and it Explodes My Heart.

Each day his laugh gets HEART-i-er.

Each day his eyes get CLEAR-er.

Each day his kicks get STRONG-er.

He's so young, but already I feel like his newness;

his itty-bittiness

are behind us.

I am going to be a Sad Mom.

because already,

I miss Every Dax That Ever Was.

I need videos and photos and letters so i can sit,

old and tired,

on the floor and Look At Him

againandagainandagainandagain.

I know you're right there, Right Now,

but STILL

(sit still please be still please always be still)

How am I going to do this?

How am I going to let go you go every day?

I look forward to all the Future Yous

but Dear God Please

Leave me my memories.

Let them lay vivid and perfect and

priceless in my mind.

It's going so fast. It goes SO Fast.

I want to

Hold On....

I love you i love you i love you i love you

Things on Doors on Doorways

wanna share?

P.S. Does anybody know why there's such a huge difference between 'large' and 'extra large' for photos in Blogger? Does anyone know how to get somewhere in the middle for vertical photos? The 'large' are too small, but I think the 'extra large' make everyone scroll on the photo! Erg. How to get around?

Bipolar Post about Nursing Shirts and Malls Too

I went to the mall yesterday, which I should stop doing. It always makes me feel bad. Perhaps because it ignites that fire in me...that want want want. I rarely feel 'In Lack' except when I walk her halls. I need to find resale stores. Or boutiques perhaps? I need to find some place where I don't feel like consumerism is shoveling its big wide mouth into my big wide mouth into our big wide mouth. It's an Escher painting. I'm lost there. Mind bending, circling back.

I got this Christmas money to go shopping because I am all sorts of messed up postpartum. Nothing fits just so yet. But I have NEEDS. And my biggest are for nursing attire. This NEED throws any WANTS out the window. When I was pregnant I did not think I needed any of this 'nursing' clothing. I figured, 'I'll just unhook my bra, lift my shirt up, what's the big deal?' I thought nursing clothes were a gimmick. I was wrong.

Dax hasn't been served a lick of liquid that wasn't from my body since birth. That adds up to a huge commitment on my part. Which I love because I'm his mom and by golly, that's what I do to sustain him. BUT it leaves me looking a little schleppy. Like I don't have bras that work right, so I just kind of hike them up and scrunch my tank top to my neck. So there I am about 10 times a day looking like a complete mess because everything is up and awkward and bleh.

Have you seen this nursing attire? They have like shirts with secret openings and you can look normal and maybe even semi-cute. You can nurse and not hike anything up to your neck! I am in dire need of all this because lately I'm feeling like a Mom with a capital M as in Messy. So I decide to go to a high-end maternity store, because I figure if you're going to get weird clothing with secret escape hatches, then you might as well get the best.

However, things have changed since last time I was here. Last time, I was pregnant and the store was my oyster, with wall to wall designer maternity digs of cuteness. This time, I ask, 'where's the nursing clothing?' And I'm shown to this little square space in the back, where I see only nude-colored bras and ill-formed pajamas. A couple of mismatched shirts hang lopsided on the racks. 'That's it?' I ask, hoping this was the clearance section. She answers annoyingly bubbly, "That's it." I size her up. She definitely doesn't have children. Ugh. I drag my feet past her to the back.

And right there, my fears are confirmed. Standing in front of the over-sized basic tee selection, I realize it's true: No one leaves their house after babies. No one. Malls are for the young and childless. Maternity stores are for the romance of pregnancy; the sweet anticipation of future dreams. But for us--the mothers--the makers of the universe--we come here to spend our Christmas money on flannel pjs because we need them. Because when we rise to meet our babies' cries in the middle of the night, we want to be comfortable. The obvious truth is--there simply isn't a market for hot nursing moms. Double ugh.

I buy what I need--a couple of convertible hook-down bras and one basic black nursing shirt--and I leave. I then aimlessly walk the aisles of Macy's imagining myself in this cocktail dress or the other, these stitched jeans might fit, and this sweater would be adorbs. I just walk, and my head starts to hurt because none of this matters, and I don't have the money anyway cause I just spent it, and where would I wear any of it anyway? Let's face facts: I'm not leaving the house anytime soon for elaborate parties.

I'm a new person, I think as I meander back to my car. I see a woman with a young infant, soothing her and I kind of half-smile knowingly at her. Then I realize I'm part of that new secret club: the 'we got kids' club. And I got a gorgeous son at home that I can't wait to get back to, and I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Although i did wince a bit at the next passerby with her weather-perfect boots over skinny jeans and her perfectly coifed hair.

Anyway, my new self needs to grow a wee bit into this new life I admit.  The new mission includes using this new nursing shirt (paid for with Christmas $$ did I mention that?)  and finally heading out into the world with my babe. I need to challenge myself to overcome some of my breastfeeding in public paranoia and hang-ups. He's three months old and goshdarnit I want to live (by live I mean leave the house)! I'll let you know how that all turns out...

Happy Conception Day (Belated)

I know this is a little weird, but I don't really care, because there's a part of me that thinks it's pretty cool. Two days ago, January 7th, exactly one year was that happy merry conception day of our little guy. I pretty much think that's important, which is obvious to you, because I'm speaking of it here. In a public forum.

I know it was the Day of Conception because it took us awhile to get pregnant, so I got a little crazy (by crazy, I mean efficient) with all the pre-pregnancy ttc (trying to conceive) stuff. I got some sticks of ovulation predictors to track my cycle and checked gross things like cervical mucus and in the end, I even started charting my basal body temperature. If you weren't sure what that was, which I hope you never do, but your BBT is the temperature your body clocks in at right when you wake up, before even venturing to the kitchen for coffee.

I know this all sounds pretty crazy, but I don't like to mess around and just go with the flow when I want something, especially if the 30th birthday has passed and it's taking awhile for the petri dish of your ovaries to figure out you need to see some results. And SO, I got a little scientific and we had sex on demand. Which people say is SOOOO not sexy, and I have to admit, it does knock out the spontaneity of it all, but sex is sex and sex is sexy and if you have a husband who loves you and doesn't whine and complain about the details of how he comes to bed you, then you can rest assured I thought each time was beautiful because you're thinking about making A BABY. And that's hot.

Irregardless of all this, it didn't matter anyway because on this particular month I had it ALL WRONG.

It came to be that on January 7th, which is in fact my father's birthday, which could be a little weird for him to know that, so I haven't told him and I'm pretty sure he doesn't read this, so it's safe to say here. On my Dad's birthday, January 7th 2010, Dave and I had a rare date. I say rare because he works late mostly and we don't typically cut out time for elaborate dinners at nice restaurants with our hair brushed and lip gloss glossed.

But on this particular date, it happened to be that it was ALSO our friend's birthday, January 7th, and we were going to take him out proper-like. So there we were all ready and primmed and then our friend called and canceled.

So there we were. We looked at each other. And proceeded to the restaurant together, just the two of us, as planned. And the whole night, I didn't think at all about babies or making them because I didn't think I was anywhere near the dates or times necessary to conceive one.

SO, we went to one of our favorite restaurants where there's this lovely garden you walk through, over these cool mini wooden bridges over these trickling little koi ponds. We were seated in a booth, which is my favorite, and I thought the light was yellow and perfect and dim and nothing about the atmosphere offended me. We ate our favorite things like Black Garlic Fondue and their special Gourmet Mac-n-Cheese and we ordered a few of their specialty brews. They make them right there and they are some of the best beers in town and we love to find our favorites.

The night was long and leisurely and we talked about the coolest things like our dreams for life and for each other and why we were so happy and why we loved the other. We giggled and my cheeks got a little hot from the beer and when we left we held hands through the garden.

And then we went home, and not thinking about babies, we made love. And I won't go into it too much because let's face it, I've already crossed the line of TMI, and my mother-in-law maybe reads this and I don't want to freak her out. But it was one of those real pretty times, and then we fell asleep, warm and languid-like, forgetting to set our alarms.

And in the morning I took my temperature, because I was doing that every morning, and I got quite the surprise. My temperature had dropped significantly from the day before, which basically indicates that ovulation has happened, just the day before. And I didn't expect that at all because I thought I had several days more to go before I ovulated, so much so that I hadn't even started using my O-predictor sticks. But there it was anyway, the reading, and it said our trying time this month was over. And then I thought to our night before and we hadn't done it for a week before that, and

Then I Knew.

Conception day is special in my heart because it's the day that a miracle happened. The day where all the little Zoeys, Adeles, Hanks, and Owens flew out of the starting gate and ran. It's the day where Dax elbowed past them and went faster than everybody and didn't care that the rest were going to die because He Wanted to Live. And then he made it. Cucooned and tired, he slept and grew and slept and grew until He Came to Be.

I love that day. It ranks up there with weddings and birthdays and first kisses.

But the cool thing is...theoretically, he's been living for a year and I think that deserves a Happy Conception Day (Belated)!

10-ish Fave Fotos 2010

  the streets of downtown San Francisco...

the boat to Alcatraz...

two simple ideas...

Nana Kay & my niece Nova, July in Minnesota

my last pregnancy shot, I went into labor later this day...

 day one for my beautiful new son Dax

almost nothing makes me happier than seeing this

Cousins: Nova & Dax, Halloween in San Diego

i could have picked a million more of shots like these next two from this year!

my adorable kitty Diego in the leaves

not taken by me (by my sis) but still one of my faves...

wanna share? 

The Real Parent's Guide to Half-Ass Attachment Parenting

I am so amazed at this whole parenting thing. I had no idea there was this underground debate going on with parents--there's this whole attachment parenting thing and these people are like WILD about their way. Which is really cool, because there are so many of these principles that I agree with, but what I don't understand is why it kinda feels like some advocates are yelling at everybody else.

And I totally get it, if they are yelling at the over-controlled crazies who want to schedule schedule baby from Day One, who want to let their poor babies cry into the wee hours of the night panicked in their cribs (makes my heart cry), don't want to cuddle their babies for fear of early spoilage, or in all other ways treat their new human family members like a nut to be cracked and/or a basic inconvenience to their orderly existence. I get that. Those people suck. Or on the most basic level, are uneducated.

 But what I don't get is why some of these attachment parenting advocates seem to be somewhat wagging their fingers at others. Like their lifestyle choice defines them completely and kinda makes them feel better than others. The problem is that the AP lifestyle is somewhat subjective. It differs depending on the family. It's best described as a spectrum. You have your breastfeeding-till-age-fivers/co-sleeping/baby-wearing/cloth diapering mums on one side of the extreme and then you have the rest of us.

Perhaps I'm struggling to define myself. If someone asks me if I "attachment parent." I'd say yes and no. Do I co-sleep? No, but I'm not against it. I was 100% open to it. And then I realized after over a month that I got exactly two hours of sleep per night because I was a) so worried about hurting my baby and b) my baby wanted to comfort nurse ALL NIGHT LONG. Over and over again, I would be awake the next day and so exhausted that I would frequently start crying at the drop of a hat and my patience during the day was almost zero. We moved him into the bassinet in our room.  Am I a bad parent whose putting my needs in front of Dax's? Absolutely not.

Do I breastfeed? Yes. He's been exclusively breastfed on demand since birth and I love it. But I'm not sure how I feel about letting my boy decide when to quit. I just don't see myself as one of those moms with a full-grown kid on her boob. Perhaps that's my selfishness, I don't know...I want my boobs back eventually. I want to give them back to my husband too. And it seems the longer you breastfeed in this society, the more ridicule you receive. and the more defensive you must become to maintain it, and thus the more judgement you must project unto others to protect it. That sounds exhausting to me.

Do I baby-wear? I like totally would if I had the right damn sling! He loves being held and I think it's awesome to tote him around that way, but we haven't found a cozy and safe one yet. We got the Ergo, which isn't really great for newborns, so then we just got this mei tei, which is basically like an Ergo but much easier to put on, but it's still a little big for Dax. I think both these will be great in a few months when he can put his legs through. We are also waiting on this sling type thing in the mail. There's so much info on these things and everyone has a different opinion and they all cost a fortune so you gotta do your research.

Do I cloth diaper? Um, I feel guilty about this one, because no, but I totally should. And I totally will, but it's taking longer than expected. I got this newborn diaper rental and I didn't like them, because they were way too bulky, but we already spent the money so I had to wait for Dax to grow up a bit. And now he's ready for them in size that he'll be in for awhile and I just need to order them. They are expensive so I'll be building up my stash slowly, but I'll get there.

What about the rest? I hold my boy often. I comfort him every time he cries. I nurse him when he wants to. He naps when he's tired. And I wash his hair in organic lavender shampoo :-).

I believe attachment parenting is kind of like a spectrum. Kind of like the sexuality spectrum. There's RuPaul on one side waving his gay flag, wearing pantyhose, and spouting blow job jokes. And then there's Anderson Cooper on the other side...he's gay, but your mom probably doesn't know it. I would say that in terms of attachment parenting I am the Anderson Cooper equivalent. I am. But I don't wear any slogan T-shirts. I shy away from defining it.

It is. And I am. Defining myself as a parent every day. What works for us as a family I will constantly re-assess daily. That to me IS attachment parenting.

Letter to a Three-Month Old on His Birthday

Dear Dax,

Happy Birthday! You are three months old today. You are unfortunately very sick. It's almost cute though because you aren't really fazed by your watery red eyes, your atrocious cough, and your house-shaking sneeze. You sneeze and then you smile at us in your happy baby way.

Last night I got more sleep than I have since you were born. Your father, bless him, made me go to sleep early and he watched you. I think you guys play video games together, but I told him 'no violence' and he agrees so you're safe. He'll turn you away if he's about to knife some bloke.

I can't believe it's been three months already. In some ways it feels like we've had you FOREVER. In other ways, I feel like such a newbie. Yesterday when I went to the pediatrician, I didn't want to wake you so I carried your sleeping self in you car seat up through the clinic doors and into the elevator. In the doc's office, the nurse said I was "brave" to go sans stroller. I realized that when she said "brave" she meant "stupid." And I realized I didn't even think of the stroller. Amateur. 

You are so smiley and laughy. We can't get enough of it. You laugh really hard when we touch your head or your nose. You have this crooked smile too, like you have some secret joke going on, especially when you start sleeping, you kind of half-smile and I imagine you must be chasing puppies or rainbows or something lovely like that.

You still love to nap in my arms, like right now. I am typing over you. The laptop is in my lap and your head is just pancaked on my chest. If I try to peel your self from me, you stretch your arms up high and then you start to fuss. You want no part of your crib for naps. I suppose I could try harder to get you there, but sometimes I love to just lean down and smell the top of your head. Plus, even as a newborn you hated to be away from your dad's and I's arms. We'll have to get better at that as time goes on, because you're getting so big!

You are almost 16 pounds now, which I guess is pretty impressive for a three-month old. Your father says I must be dispensing half-n-half at 400 calories an ounce! You are so long though, I think you're going to be a tall boy!

You already love books. We read to you all the time. Your faves are "Brown Bear, What do you see?" and a book of animals. You start to kick and coo when you see the pictures. Your favorite though is anybody's face. When someone talks to you you crack up!

You also love chaos as evidenced when we went to visit Nana Kay and Auntie Stacy and cousin Nova in Minnesota for Christmas. The more noise and activity, the more relaxed you became. You even fell asleep, sounds as ever, in the middle of it. I realized my chill self may not be enough crazy for you. I might need to have another child sooner rather than later to appease your desire for more activity!

Anyway, we have the whole day in front of us. I am so blessed to be able to stay home with you. I love you my adorable son!

Love forever and ever and ever and ever and more,
Your Mommy

Sicky Baby and Other Vaccine News

Dax is so sick today. His little eyes are red-rimmed and watery. His sneeze is explosive. His cough is mucus-nasty. He slept so poorly last night, whining and wheezing. I kept him in bed with me most of the night to soothe him, but he woke up this morning in full cry! I called the pediatrician immediately, and was on the road in hours.

Luckily he's fine, but I had no idea how fruitless the trip would be. I should of stayed home (although truly I wouldn't have been able too and am glad to hear all is good). But they're like, "He's sick. Yup. Keep the snot out of his nose." I'm like: "Really, that's it? Wow..." I don't know...did I think I would get some super-special infant prescription that would magically save him this dis-ease? Yes. I guess I did. 

They did, however, remind me that I have not yet scheduled my two-month well baby appointment. And Dax is now three months old, so I'm late! I nodded and said yes yes i meant to, but truly, I've been procrastinating. I wanted to research all those vaccines that they give these little guys. I'm absolutely not anti-vaccine, but I also don't like to blindly follow advice when they are telling me they are going to inject my newborn with six different vaccines made from live viruses, drops of aluminum, and in the case of the polio vaccine,  animal blood tissue.

This last weekend I actually did all my homework and read read read finally as I knew I had to make that appointment. And I made all of my decisions for the next 8 months on the series. I know this subject is so highly controversial and I'm not going to get into all the details of decisions now, but basically my belief is that I do believe MOST vaccines are good & necessary, but I don't think they all need to be injected at once. I also think it doesn't hurt for some babies to get older for some vaccines so that their immune system is more mature.

So anyway, I basically skipped my two-month appointment and decided to start any vaccines at four-months so he's a little older. I would have waited till he was six months old, but we are cruising the Caribbean in June, so I want to make sure he has the preliminary vaccines before that time is up. We will be vaccinating for HIB, Pc, and doing the DTAP vaccine. I'm too late for the Rotavirus vaccine.

And I will wait on the Polio vaccine till he's older. There's not been one single case of polio in the US for quite some time, so he's at no risk to not take the vaccine. He will get it later just so we can keep our US immunity, but I just don't think he needs another vaccine, when he's getting all those others.

I'm 50/50 on the Hep B vaccine right now. The only reason I'm thinking of getting it is because he got a shot a birth (a mistake I feel on my part) and I feel we might as well keep the schedule of the AAP on that one then. But in hindsight, that one could have been delayed for much much longer.

Did anyone else delay or slightly tweak the AAP schedule? Did your pediatrician throw a fit? I'm slightly worried I'm gunna get chided...

2011: Forwards and Reflections, Three Lists

HAPPY NEW YEAR! What a year 2010 was--definitely The Year of Dax. I conceived him, grew him, birthed him, and now care for him. How different my life is. Last year I was knee-deep in pinot noir, smoking my last cigarettes, and passing out with my sick hubby watching a Jason Bateman flick. This year there was no such idle debauchery. Only several late night attempts at getting my boy to sleep. I fumbled in the dark, strolling him around, trying to get his heavy lids to drop like the New Year's ball. And now, the year in lists... 

Ten Fave Highlights 2010

1) Finding out I was pregnant. It took six months for us to conceive, so this was pure joy.

2) Being pregnant. What a miracle. To feel a little baby inside of me. To grow & deflate.

3) Giving birth. Best day of my life. Tied with my wedding day.

4) Two baby showers: MN & CA. Gifts and parties and people fussing over Dax's arrival was so cool to feel everyone's excitement and literally be showered with gifts and well wishes.

5) Moving into this house. A rental, but we'll be here for a few years. It's beautiful & homey & in a great neighborhood & feels just right.

6) My brother moving to California and rooming with us. I consider him the first of many family members who will make the trek. Bonus: I love that he lives with us. He's one of my favorite people in the universe.

7) My niece, Nova, going to her 1st birthday in February and watching her for a week. Watching her mow down her cake. She's the most charming little being; spending that time alone with her is cherished.

8) San Francisco trip on our anniversary. We love travel and traversing this metropolitan city with my boo was aaahhmazing.

9) Visitors. Where do I begin? Every person who visited us was just so much fun--my mom, my dad, sis, nieces, stepfamily, friends, best friends, Dave's family. It felt like it never ended! A blessing.

10) One of my best friends, Bethany, her wedding festivities and wedding in Jerome, Arizona. What a blast we had. Beautiful garden wedding. Dave and I drove across the desert for this one, spent the night in the cutest one-room above the Flat Iron Cafe. I love road trips with my boo. Also, threw her a bachelorette party in Phoenix to be envied.

Last Year's Hopes, In Review
(this is from last year's hope list, which you can view original version here)

these were my dreams for 2010...

1) smoke-free, one whole year  I did it! One whole year without even a drag!

2) new home that IS a home. all this beige in my apt. bugs me out. i miss our green carpet in az. We did it! Moved into our new home in June. Love it.

3) paintings and photos and drawings that spill out into the digital atmosphere and gather money. (NOPE! I did paint and take photos and such, but no money made. I obsessed about pregnancy and didn't really try anything. This remains on the list for this year, a bit modified)

4) writing enough. writing more. writing to live. out loud. (Hmmm...I did write, but not more. If anything, less)

5) a little being in my belly that grows and then coups my heart. my life. my little baby born. We did it! Dax is the light in my eyes.

6) i want this new volunteer opportunity with foster children to spill over the brim and make me break down, make me re-grow. again. get bigger. big. larger. large. gather the whole wide world in its arms. (hmmm...I did do this, but my foster girl has kind of decided to hate me, which apparently is very common, but I am having a hard time working way into her life. Stay tuned. This volunteer thing will also be modified for next year's hopes)

7) minimize the distance between my family and i.  Brother moved here! Saw LOTS of family this year. All triumphs. But this line item is a work in progress prolly for all my life. 

8) eat food like i'm taking medicine. it's meh vitamins. it's life.  (Yes and No. In a lot of ways I got better. Fruit is almost an everyday part of my life. I've integrated whole grains like it's nobody's business. And veggies are getting better. However, pregnancy gave me a sweet tooth that needs some serious attention)

9) Start making money that doesn't depend on The Man. (Definitely did nothing of the sort. Will try again) 

10) read and believe that i will do all of these things... I spent the whole year in abundant optimism. 

Ten Hopes for Zee New Year


1) That Dave moves closer to his actual profession. His happiness is so important to me & our family & our future.

2) That I find some way, some how, to build some income for myself.

3) That I start something altruistic that will change the world. or my community.

4) Make exercise a part of my daily life. for health. for life.

5) Continue working on healthy food living. Cook more. Eat more locally grown. Consume less crap. Food is life.

6) Change the way we buy. Try to buy & eat from small businesses. Buy more used.  Use $$$ to create world I want to live in.

7) Get a handle on sleep. Dax has turned our world upside-down and sleep is very, very elusive. I believe it's possible to regain some of it with a healthy dose of education and consistency.

8) Balance. Keep relationship with Dave lovely by making time for each other sans baby. Find group of SAHMs with young kids so I don't feel trapped at home i.e. make mom friends!

9) Friendships. Build some friendships here in San Diego. Try to be more in touch with the good friends that I do have.

10) Think progress, not perfection.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!