Unsolicited Advice Sounds Like Criticism

Dax is progressing on his napping. By progressing, I mean, he's alone in a room and able to sleep for longer stretches of time. The term "progressing" obviously suggests room for improvement. He is still in his car seat; he sucks at sleeping without it. I hate to keep saying this because, frankly, it's embarrassing. The seat is shored up, and I watch him like a hawk on the monitor so he's safe, but still.

The question I ask myself is: Do I really care? Or do I care because I know other people pooh-pooh me? Do I care because I know others are thinking, "What is she doing?!"

When I talk to moms (real moms, not articles on what babies should be doing), there's these kind of hushed confessions. Like my friend whose three-year-old still sleeps with them in their bed. Or my other friend who admitted: they used the car seat for what others would consider "too long." Or how about my relatives whose boy slept in the swing for months? These are the things we say under our breath, and then we look up, trying to ignore any look of judgement in another's eyes.

I hustled into my mom's group meeting a week or so ago, apologizing for being late because Dax was sleeping, on his back, and I didn't want to rouse him. A woman there with two kids told me with a sad frown that she finally had to let her baby "cry-it-out" at 8 months. She told me her and her brother got a bottle of wine and sat on the porch as her baby wailed. But it worked; he sleeps great now. She looked at me a little guiltily.

When people tell me these types of things, I try to erase any judgement from my face and thoughts. Because first off, do I think your baby is going to be scarred for life because you let him cry before bed? No. I don't. (Unless they're less than 3 months old, then that's debatable). Plus, my baby is so young still, and although I have never let him cry himself to sleep, perhaps I'll feel differently at 8 months. I have no idea. For now, I simply can not. I just physically can't.

My feeling is: If you're not beating your child or abandoning or neglecting or abusing your child and you love your baby and it's pretty obvious, then hey, whatever you're doing is probably great and fine and perfect for you and your family.

I kind of wish people would grant the same respect back though. 

Because when you have a baby, omg, EVERYONE has an opinion. Truly, it's INSANE.

If you're one of those people that is in the peanut gallery to parents everywhere, please please heed these words: Unsolicited advice oftentimes comes off like CRITICISM. We are all guilty of this sometimes, so focus up.

How do you know if you're doing this? This is a great way to check... After you say things, do you feel like the response you get is one of defensiveness? Does your co-conversationalist seem a bit frazzled, and immediately start to explain WHY they do what THEY do? This happens because your "advice" sounds like this: Here's the right way to do it. You don't do this. So you are obviously doing it wrong. 

Do you often feel like "you are only trying to help"? Of course you are. Stop It. We ALL do what we do because we think it's better than what others do. Don't you think I have a couple opinions on what you could be doing better? Of course I do. Do you want me to share? I didn't think so.

Another point: You might THINK they are asking for your advice when they are whining about some kind of parental speed bump. But listen to me: They are not asking for your advice unless they specifically say, "What do you think? What would you do? Any thoughts for me?" Something along those lines. If they don't say those things, then they are simply venting. Let them.

As a parent navigating the ways of baby-raising, there are a MILLION ways to do things that result in all-growed-up & decent human beings. There is no one road map to an awesome human being. The paths are infinite.

The bottom line is that as a parent, all each of us have is our instincts. And when you are raising your little ones, those instincts are pretty dialed in to your particular tyke if you give a good listen. So when people give you that unsolicited advice, it is the worst kind of advice because it's about your kids. You know them better than anyone else and they are the most important thing in the entire world to you. Naturally, you feel pretty strongly about what you do and why you do it. So that advice just pisses you off because a) you know you're doing it right by your kid and b) holy shit, what if you aren't?

Ok ok don't get worked up...
I'm not saying all advice is bad. We need to share. There's two ways to do this without offending:

1) Wait until you are asked for advice. Then share it in a supportive, loving way. But don't get all offended if the person doesn't follow it exactly. The person is doing what they feel works for them, sometimes it's what you advised. Sometimes not. Don't take it personally.

2) Share YOUR experiences using "I" statements. People love to hear what other people did. And sometimes it helps. Say "I used to put my baby in a carrier to get them to stop being fussy," NOT "You should put your baby in a carrier to get them to stop fussing." See the difference?

Is some of this post unsolicited? Ha ha. Oh well, you get the f**king point right? Let me raise my baby!!!

In Between Dreams

Maybe it's now that the dust has cleared. The frantic pace of protecting a newborn baby, to usher it into heart-i-ness. Maybe it's the stillness of my days. Maybe I'm thinking too much.

But I feel weird. There is no greater abrupt change to your being than Birth. No. I spoke too soon. Death mirrors it. Death changes you too. Abruptly.  I've been too blessed to know great tragedy. But the light of birth changes you too. Abruptly.

Babies come like trains. You can hear its horn. See its light from months away. You kind of sit on the tracks, waiting. You cower under your arms. In the 9th month, your bulbous body feels the full-formed body under your skin. You know its coming...but what will the impact feel like? How long it will take to put back the pieces into a whole new whole? You vacillate between fear and exceptional joy.

Then, IT HITS. Labor. Birth. Light. Love.

It doesn't just 'start a whole new chapter.' No. It closes the book on that last life. Opens a brand new one. It's that different.

I feel kind of murky now. The old easy life is still fresh in the mind. But fading as memories do. The ego is re-defining, I can feel that. I'm learning to discard the old wants and desires. They are more habit than anything. Impractical. I can't stay up later, I have to get up...in the middle of the night....and in the early morning...I need my sleep...

I think that's where the weirdness lies: In between dreams. I'm riding inside the train now, but in the back caboose.  I'm reacting to my life in lag time. As the train barrels forward, I am feeling the need to change cars, to start stumbling towards the front of the train. I want a better view. I want to see where this is going, as opposed to where it's been.


Anyone else feel like this as their baby rounds the five month marker? Like they are coming out from under a rock, seeing the world with brand new eyes?

Freshly Tossed

Hi there friends, family, stalking strangers!

I have so much to be grateful for these days. My little guy. My hubby. My family. Did you know my brother lives with me? How cool is that? Did you know the rest of my family (my mom and sister's family) might be moving here to San Diego? Am I dreaming?

I am also grateful that just yesterday I surpassed the 100 follower mark! (Thanks D.I.Y. Cupcake). I love blogging. I love meeting all of these lovely people. I love peeking into your lives and sharing mine.

I am uber grateful that I am on the 3rd page of Top Baby Blogs! I am currently #75 and my goal is to make it to the 2nd page (top 50)!  So if you dig all this chatter on here, would you spare me a couple clicks on the icon below? I have met a lot of cool moms and onlookers through this site and want to keep this network strong. (You can vote daily don't cha know?!)

I have also joined an ad network. You can see my hand-picked ads in my sidebars. I pick them very carefully, choosing business with a social conscious. As you probably already know, I'm a purist too, so I want to share with you all these eco-friendly awesome non-toxic products for babies and you and your home. Buying the right products can keep the grassroots guys going and save the planet and keep the health of your family in check. So check out my links in the sidebars. Buy your babies and friends and their kids and you some cute gifts. And if like what you see: buy these green goodnesses through my links, I get a wee throwback that way.

Lastly, in honor of all this change, I'm changing the name of my blog. I don't like the current name. When I started this blog in 2009, I had a different direction in mind. That direction no longer applies. There are so many Project 365 things around the blogosphere too, and I'm afraid my name just bores people away from even exploring the site. So in the next couple days you'll see my new name and header: Little Mes & Yous. I don't think I'll be changing my domain name for now.

Anyway, blah blah blog.
xoxo,
Darcy

Alliterations

Little Lambs

Laying Low

A Little Leary

wanna share?

Mommy Guilt, Already?

Dax is napping right now. In an effort to get him out of his stroller and into his crib, I've now placed the car seat IN the crib. How ridiculous is this? Someone please tell me this isn't my fault. (Please don't comment if you think that it is.)

I feel out of control. When someone asks me what Dax's nap schedule is like I honestly can't really answer it. It changes daily. Someone please tell me this isn't my fault. (Please don't comment if you think that it is.)

Dax is almost five months old. He's huge. Bigger than the 10 month old & the 8 month old & the 12 month old at the mom's group I joined. One pound less than the 14 month old. Someone please tell me this isn't my fault. (Please don't comment if you think that it is.)

Dax likes to be around a ton of people. He likes chaos. I don't. I like it quiet. I like a select group of people; good company or no company is my motto. Someone please tell me I'm not going to screw him up for life if I don't run around all day looking for things to do. (Please don't comment if you think that it will).

Sometimes when I've had a long tiring day with him, I put him in the sling and walk around the living room and watch reality television I've saved on the DVR. Sometimes he watches too. Someone please tell me I'm not going be the cause of a future case of ADHD or some kind of skewed personality disorder that thinks all people are rich and glamorous and snobby. (Please don't comment if you think that it will.)

With love,
My Conscience Darcy

P.S. If I don't get any comments, I'm probably going to lock myself in the closet.

Cloth Diapering with an HE Washer

It's kind of ironic right? I have this "High Efficiency" washer and it's kicking my cloth-diapering ass right? My 'good for earth' washer is bad for my 'good for earth' diapers. WTF?

If you didn't know already, HE washer means low water. Your cloth diapers need A LOT of water. You got poo and pee, and you need to dilute that sh** (heh)! Note to you: if you want to cloth diaper and you're in the market for a new washer, DO NOT buy an HE washer. I know this seems weird, but trust me, you'll be happier. If you already have an HE washer, keep reading.

Just so you know. I have the Whirlpool Cabrio. In case you are googling this. I am going to use this keyword combination like six times: Cabrio cloth diapering cabrio cloth diapering cabrio cloth diapering. I want you to meet me here. Because yous and mes. We gotta go a different route.

What I've learned....
Here are some simple tips to follow with your HE washer:

1) Microfiber, and all synthetic fibers for that matter, hold in stink more. This probably won't matter if you got one of those fancy rickety old top-loaders that fill magically to the top with water. But when you are knee-deep in your HE already, I recommend you pick other fabrics: Bamboo is one of the most non-stinky dipe fabrics out there, and it is also one of the most sustainable to grow. Organic Cotton is also pretty awesome. Hemp sucks. Micro-anything is pretty much synthetic. Save these for your old washer.

2) All-in-one diapers sound rad right? They act just like a disposable. Therefore you are eco-friendly AND indulging your lazy self right? Not so much. With an HE washer, these things with their fancy pancy sewn-in soakers are tough to clean. Still stuck on convenience? Stick with pockets (like Applecheeks with bamboo insert or AI2s (like Grovia shell set) in an appropriate fabric (see #1). Exceptions I've discovered thus far include: Bumgenius AIO Elemental with organic cotton. Stay clear of all AIOs with microfiber. I'm not saying it's not possible to, I'm saying it's harder.

3) Trick your washer. Do a rinse cycle first. No spin. This creates weight. So when your washer 'weighs' the load to determine water size, you've beat it. Throw in a towel. Add water in the wash cycle. Do what you need to do.

4) Rinse out your diapers after changing. Sink works fine, but if you want to be all sophisticated about it, buy a diaper sprayer. This 'helps' your washer reduce gunk moving around in the cycle.

5) Do you have hard water? Check. If you do, add a little Calgon water softener to help your soap make suds.

If you don't cloth diaper, this sounds insane right? But if you do cloth diaper, you've got the bug. You might be obsessed. I am. Beat your washer. You can do it. Trust me. More to come later...


Any other tips to share, mamas?

Oh the Places You Will Go

I was walking yesterday with Dax snug against my chest in the sling. We trekked the neighborhood on our way to the UPS store to ship cloth diapers to another crunchy mama on the East Coast. I felt empowered, each step sure and easy. Dax is quiet against me. His little legs dangling; his navy blue sunhat shielding his face from the light Southern California sun.

We zip past the full bushes of begonias. Blotches of hot pink blooms flash against the saturated green leaves. It's quiet. The sound of my feet tapping the pavement soothes him. He's sucking his pacifier. I wonder if I should have insisted he take it. He'd gone four months, why introduce it now? I brush it off. Because. Because he needs me so much. I relish the break.

The other day my mom asked me if I felt alone. With just me and Dax here. My husband working those long days. Yes. I thought. I think I do sometimes. Is being alone a bad thing? Aren't we all? All alone?

I wouldn't have this any other way. I wouldn't change things.

When Dave told me, all those years ago--we were 22 or 23 or something tender like that--he told me that he thought it's great for mothers to stay-at-home & raise their babies. He told me he wanted something like that too. He meant me. To raise our babies. I shot back, "You're with the wrong girl." 

I couldn't imagine a life like that. My identity wrapped up in this little being. I wanted no part of it. I had things to do. Fantastical dreams to wrestle to the ground.

I chased my career in my twenties. Into the ground. It lead me absolutely Nowhere. Disappointed and disheartened. I tried with everything to find What I Was Looking For. And the honest truth is, it wasn't there. The direction I was headed? I simply did not care.

I grew up. I worked anyway. I gave up that Need to Be. It was a relief.

And then it came time. Almost a decade after I scoffed at Dave in the passenger seat of my little pickup, I'm here--in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday with a baby strapped to my chest trekking through our peaceful suburban neighborhood.

I take a breath. Turn the corner and Know

This is exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Toy LOVE

On Valentine's Day, Dax would like to dedicate a little pictorial ditty to his favorite (chew) toys...

Tasty the Turtle

Baby Einstein, the bendy ball

And of course, his Infantino Vintage Playmat (the secret to my being able to shower)

I Love My Baby But...

I sometimes miss....

1. Having that extra glass of wine.
2. Spontaneously going to a movie.
3. Spontaneously watching a movie On Demand Cable.
4. Waking up whenever my body wants to.
5. Having a long conversation with Dave that doesn't include baby talk.
6. Drinking too many cups of coffee (and not worrying about caffeinating my baby with hopped up breast milk).
7. Wandering the bookstore for hours.
8. Writing my blog without interruption.
9. Cleaning the kitchen without interruption.
10. Sleeping more than 6 hours in a row.
11. Reading fiction books (as opposed to baby books).
12. Getting dolled up and not worrying about whether my boobs are easily accessible.
13. Yoga class.
14. Wearing necklaces.
15. Making noise in the house and not worrying about every creak.
16. Driving around my purple pickup truck (not carseat friendly :-()
17. Long lunches with my girl friends!
18. Eating sugar without feeling (too) guilty.
19. Being pregnant.
20. The unknown.

and you all little baby makers? What do YOU miss? 

Letter to a Four-Month Old on His Birthday (Belated)

You watched your first Superbowl today! I put you in a green and yellow shirt, so I decided you were a Green Bay Packer fan. And guess what? Your team won ;-)! What teams you will actually love? Your hometown team of the San Diego Chargers? Perhaps you'll embrace the Midwestern roots of your parents and cheer for the Minnesota Vikings. Either way, I'm sure you'll have an opinion. 

Today is exactly two days after your four-month birthday.You are so lovely to have around. Sometimes I just want to cuddle you and kiss you and fawn over you for hours. Sometimes I do just that!

Just this last week, you've acquired the coolest laugh. You laugh so hard sometimes when I'm giving you raspberries on your belly that you giggle and then squeal. Then, you wait for the next one. You bunch your hands together real tight and pull them into your chin. Sometimes you crack up so hard you cough!  I know you're my blood, because you've got a distinct flair for drama.

Everything goes in your mouth now. No matter what toy. Or stuffed animal. Or hand. If you get a hold of it, you're going to taste it. You take it in your hands real deliberate and then you look at it as you pull it towards your mouth. Your eyes go cross-eyed. Cutest. Thing. Ever. 

You and I have gotten into quite a rhythm these days. You like to wake up with your Daddy and hang out with him while he gets ready. I try to sleep that extra hour, so when you get placed back into bed with me all gooey-eyed and happy (you're so fun in the mornings), you and I can lay together for awhile and play.

You love to try to stand. I swear you'll be walking early, the way you love to stand. Most people are amazed at your age and head control and ability to put weight on your legs. I'm not surprised at your advanced abilities--I mean, you're a genius of course!

We still kind of suck in the nap department. Well, let me rephrase that--you get your 2-4 naps a day, but sometimes it feels like a constant battle. I am no longer sitting in the rocking chair and holding you while you nap (I would just put them laptop on my knees and type while you slept), so I consider THAT an advancement. However, you still prefer naps in your stroller, or lately, the best place for you to nap has been in the Ergo baby sling. I simply put you in there and walk around for a few minutes, and you're out like a light. You LOVE that thing--it almost always calms you.  

While you're not napping in my dream way (2-3 hour naps in your beautiful crib all by yourself), the plus side is you're extremely portable. I can take you anywhere and not worry about your naps or your schedule. You'll fall asleep anywhere as long as you're in the sling with me or in your Daddy's arms. This weekend, we visited friends in Del Mar and they kept commenting on how chill you were and easy-going on naps. I guess I should think of it more like that. (Side note: It was also your first time seeing the ocean!)

Our nighttime routine is pretty dialed in lately. Around 8:00 p.m., me & you & Daddy have family time. We try to read you a couple books if you're not too tired, and then we give you a bath. You love baths so much. You kick your legs and suck your fingers and look up at us and smile. Diego, our furry younger cat, loves family time too and you just stare at him, trying to figure out what he must be! 

After the bath, we wrap the swaddle blanket around (under your arms though) to keep you warm. Then we turn down the lights, and I nurse you. If you're not already sleeping at the end, your Daddy walks you around or rocks you until you're out! Your Daddy is like a sleep machine. Whenever you are rested on his chest, your eyes get really droopy. 

You sleep great during the night now, although I'm embarrassed to say we still use the stroller (we plan on changing that this month--a habit we started a month ago when we realized you rockstar slept in that thing). You usually only wake up once in the night to nurse. Your Daddy gets you out of your "bed" which is parked next to ours and brings you to me, and I fall asleep while you're nursing most of the time. When I wake up, sometimes hours have passed and I poke your Dad and he lovingly plucks you out and takes you to your nest. 

I love you more than words can say little baby of mine. Thank you for choosing us as your parents. We are muddling through this parenthood thing as best we can. I try not to get caught up in the details too much and just go with the flow. I figure that as long as we continue to love you with all our might, you'll get what you need.   

Here's the first video I've ever taken with my camera. Not a lot of action, but expect these to get better. He just kind of chills during this, but STILL, it's him, so um yeah it's awesome :-).

Through Mommy Eyes

I see things through "mommy eyes" now. When Dax was first born, I was flooded with this new kind of love. They say 'it's indescribable,' and that seems like a cop out. But it's not. There are no words, only words that reflect that words are out of reach.

But that love gives me tremors sometimes. Babies are so tiny and helpless and perfect. In the beginning, I would get flashes of images of babies that were neglected, abandoned, shoved into trash cans. It would shock me, tears choked in my throat.

Obviously, I always felt anger and disgust towards any kind of willful neglect or tragedy directed towards children. But when mommyhood bloomed in me, that feeling ballooned into utter disbelief, rage, and extreme sadness. How could anyone hurt a baby--their own or others? Don't they feel what I feel? This all-encompassing adoration, this innate impulse to protect, to nurture and love them? A feeling so large it seeps into your being. Makes your heart bigger than the universe. Unable to stand even a whimper from your little one's mouth.

Who are these cruel, heartless abusers? I am racked with incomprehension. To think of it makes me want to tear my mind out of my head. I don't, on principle, believe in capital punishment, but I guarantee you no tears are shed when a child abuser/murderer gets tied to a chair and poisoned on the state's dime. Dear God, protect us... 

I also now see any murder as a mother losing somebody. If I turn on the news or read the news or see the news (none of which I try to do because it freaks me out), and the top story is death before their time, I can't help but think of that person's mother. What she must have felt. What exceptional sadness. What extraordinary grief. I can't take it.  A lump develops. Please, shut if off. I am feeling too much. 

Even parents estranged from their children, I think 'what's wrong with you? How could you?' You mustn't feel what I feel. If Dax forsook me as a part of his life, I would fight until my fingers bled to climb back into his world.

Mommy eyes are bloodshot with empathy. Love so intense it feels like pain. The higher your joy, the deeper your sadness: Nothing has highlighted this dichotomy to me like motherhood. I pray that the peaks and the valleys always

 Keep us safe. 

And well. 

And loved.