365 degrees, Going Once

Sometimes when I don't write for awhile, I find it even harder to write. Because time has passed and things have happened and my mind is filled with things to say and details to fill you in on. I think about breaking them down into bullet points i.e.

* Moved into new house
* We love it.
* The cats love it.
* Went on a trip to AZ
* It was fun.
* I'm like six months pregnant.
* I'm huge.
* I still feel kinda hot though.
* Brother moves in with us in about a week.
* I'm excited and kinda scared too.
* I love change.
* I hate change.

But I thought I disliked diary posts, even though that's what we're all really here for. And sometimes I think if you just detail your life, people find that more interesting than being all creative and write-y.

I don't think I'm leaving here. This blog. But I do find myself wondering what I'm doing here. What am I trying to accomplish. If anything. Maybe I am leaving. Let me think.

I recently passed my year-o-blogging mark, my 365 degrees, and I don't think I'm doing what I came here to do. I mean, I did do it. But I am looking for something else. I have a different idea of what to do. And I'm wondering if I should just leave this here. And move on to my other thing. It's blogging. But it's not blogging like this. It's more like career blogging. Which seems more practical. More useful. And a pet project of mine. I don't see the use in this anymore. Is this like a blogging crisis or something...idk. I've learned a lot here though. We'll see...

I'm not ready to leave this yet, but I needed to tell it how I felt.

The Late Late Show

I'm writing this now as Dave sleeps, the washer machine whirs, the cats look on questioningly, and the twinkle lights in the tree are the only muted yellow light in the living room. I'm not sure why I'm here now. I guess I can't sleep.

I'm thinking about San Diego. It's been a year now. A year here and not there. In Phoenix. It's been only a year and I know already that I won't ever be moving back there. Although I miss odd things like crazy...our fave pizza place, the ceiling of our old apartment, the summer heat like an oven, the azure blue pools, the clean uncracked streets, the proximity of my father.

But you know when you just know right? You just know...
And we already know. Why? No idea. Do you believe in fate? Destiny? Pre-destination? A guiding light, hand, power, force, god perhaps? I do.

I didn't have a very religious upbringing (thank god ;-)), but I do believe in God. For lack of a better word. That relationship I have with that mystery force is Real to me. Comforting. I shovel prayer into it so we get closer. I Believe. In Love. In Goodness. In Grace. In Truth.

But sometimes after the Small Things lull me, like putting my hands together before sleeping, I contemplate the Big Things...like 'What's it all about? Where are we going?' And while I feel like I know it's going to be o.k...I have to say that, The Truth Is, on the specifics...

i don't know  
you don't know  
we don't know.