The Last of the Toothless Grins

As my son is teething lately (ps yes sleep sucks), I got a little nostalgic today looking at his adorable little toothless smile.

His top two teeth are just seconds away from peeking through those gums, so I just had to snap this shot to remember THIS SMILE!

I would bet this is one of the last shots of this! Sigh, my little boy is growing up! NOOOO!!!!!

Baby Attitude

But Moooommmmmm.....

Get a Hold of Yourself

Sometimes I feel incredibly selfish, like I can only see my thoughts and no others. I think I need to volunteer more or go to church or meditate on the subject of gratitude, because I have it so good in this life. When ill thoughts creep against my brain, I want to tear my brain out. I want to punish myself for my mopey thoughts.

Sometimes I feel like such a lesser being than others. How do other people do it? When I feel all maxed out about my baby I think of two things: 1) I have a healthy baby who is living. Key words: healthy. living. How dare I feel sorry for myself when I don't get 'me' time? And 

2) I think about the Mormons who have like 8 kids and seem to love and care for them all and take them camping and read to them all while still feeling chirpy. God must love them more, because I get a little whiney with just my one kid. They must be God's BFF because they can have 8 kids and still have the stillness to be nice to people. Which them makes me think I should convert to Mormonism or atleast go to church because perhaps I'm being punished for not being Godly enough. 

Either of these thoughts work to simply make me feel bad about myself.  

Obviously that is not helpful. 

I looked at Dax today and tried to remember a time when there was no Dax, and I couldn't do it. He has filled my whole world. I love him so much it hurts, but lately I have to admit that I've felt like I'm never going to be alone again. 

Staying home with Dax is EXACTLY what I want to be doing, but sometimes I feel all chained up and sometimes resentful--like when I watch Dax all day and then I cook dinner and then after dinner I'm still cleaning up. It's 8:30 at night and I'm thinking 'why am I still in this f**king kitchen?' How did this happen TO ME? Then I see my thoughts and feel like an old bitter housewife and then I want to buck up for feeling like that--how ungrateful of me--my life is beautiful!

How do I create an inner attitude that is more continually joyful? 

I keep hearing that quote in my head about the true character of a person is not measured when things are going right, but the true character of a person is measured when things are difficult. I feel like I'm failing this test--my true character feels weak right now. Why does it feel like everything has to be perfect for the free spirit to fly? 

And then i could conceive again...

And as I sat here in the middle of my house, staring at my laughing, crawling, smiling, bubbly little baby--I could obsess. Obsess about

what next?

this might have meant that when I saw other little tiny babies that just got born into the world that I might have thought

i want another one

but none of this mattered because breastfeeding became nature's way of stopping all kinds of conception. It worked so well that we never used a single method of protection for all of ten months and

that's a fact

not to say that you should do this too. I just happen to possess a rather flippant way of dealing with serious things. YET you absolutely could do this too but I caution you to follow the hard and fast rules of this method (LAM) and I bet you it will work, but these are whole other things. the point is

i saw red

oodles of it and because I've been obsessing about making babies but being unable to do so, I started jumping all around the house and squealing about my newfound luck. But as the novelty wore off I got hit with the feeling that was very clear:

i'm not ready to have another baby yet

and so I told my hubs we had to go back to those precautionary ways, as of which haven't been in play for over two years.

and the beat goes on...

Home Is What I Say It Is

There's something about San Diego. Lately. I've been here two years. A little over two years. And this summer has rushed me like a swarm of joy. It reminds me of the importance of Place.

I've heard people say that if you want to run away, that the You that you were will follow you. You can't escape you. No amount of beautiful geography will erase that. You're You.

I get it. I get what they are getting at. And it makes sense. But that doesn't mean a person shouldn't Just Move.

I never wanted to leave a place because I was afraid of myself.

OK. Maybe that's a lie. When I was young, and a wee little rebel kitten in Fargo, I needed to leave me behind. That little girl was broken. Innocently so. But still. The move was symbolic and necessary. I needed to erase myself. OK. Parts of myself. Parts of myself that weren't actually My Self.

And it worked. Like a charm. My wanderlust fulfilled. For a bit. So even though people say 'Don't move if it's YOU that you don't like,' I kind of disagree. I think sometimes that's EXACTLY what you need to do.

Anyway...

The circumstances weren't as dire this time around. The moments weren't nearly as electric, as we contemplated a move from Phoenix to San Diego. It was more like a dull whine. An internal metronome that progressively got faster as the years past. I wanted to. Needed to. But for no specific reasons. Just Cuz. Was Just Cause. And so we left...

Home IS where the heart is. That's what I believe is really settling with me lately. This summer brings with it waves of content. I feel like I am home. This might seem like piddel-ee-dee to some, but I can't tell you how long I've yearned for that place of rest in my heart.

When I was young, I always wanted to leave. I knew from a very young age that Fargo couldn't keep me. Is there love for my place of youth? Of course. But is it home?  Naw...  And although Phoenix kept me stationary slash still for awhile, I knew it wasn't where my roots would grow.

So Here I Am. I guess that's all I'm saying. That it feels good. I can see our family growing here for years. I can see this landscape filling up our memories. That feels good to be where I want to be. Finally.

I'm also saying that there's some kind of weird internal compass inside of each person and sometimes when it wants to move, it simply wants to move, and it doesn't mean you're trying to run from anything. It simply is what is and no more. Sometimes it's ok to just go there. Because your heart said so. 

Downtown San Diego skyline viewed from Harbor Island

Babyproofing can be pretty

Dax in the big boy tub!

Letter to a Nine-Month-Old on His Birthday, Part Two

Ok, after we got back...We left to Arizona (i'm tired just typing all of this). You took your first long car ride (6 hours) with your Uncle Cole and I. You slept mostly. I think I stressed more than you.

We went to see your Aunt Stacy, Uncle Cleon, Nova, and the Phoenix family. You swam in your Nonni Mary and Grandpa's pool for the first time. Your Nonni bought you this super cool inflatable thingy that you put your legs in and you would just kick and kick and try to play with everybody.

Unfortunately this round, you pretty much wanted to hang out with your cousin Nova and she wasn't too interested in hanging out with you. You'd get all excited when she got near, but she's a pretty busy toddler and couldn't wait around, so you'd always just watch and wait for her to come back.

A couple of my old school friends stopped by too. Of course Beth was there, but you got to meet Brissa too. Brissa is my oldest friend from Phoenix, we met when I was 19--that's 13 years ago! Me & Beth & Brissa used to live together and work together in college. Now we're all growed up! Brissa has a baby now, Marina, who is 14 months old. You were kind of smitten by her.

Dax & Marina

I was so glad we got this photo below. I think we should photoshop Daddy in.

Beth and her husband Nic, Brissa and her husband Al, Brissa's stepdaughter Bella and her daughter Marina, me & Dax

My friend Kasey drove us back to San Diego and stayed with us a few days. She adores you and loves spending time with you. We took you to the beach in Del Mar, which is the closest beach to our house.

To top it off we went to your cousin Jack's birthday party up in San Clemente and then a fourth of July party down on Harbor Island with the Placidos the next day. Jack is a busy toddler too and you also loved him, but he's super busy and can't wait, just like Nova. We squished you two together just to get this one shot.

And then he was gone!

It's ok. You'll catch up buddy. Soon enough you'll be walking and be able to hang with the toddlers :-)!

We love you. Thanks for being such a 'go with the flow' kid. We have a lot of visitors here in San Diego in the summer and the ability to go with the flow is a skill I treasure in you.

Letter to a Nine-Month-Old on His Birthday, Part One

What didn't you do this month kid?!

First off, you're all sorts of global now. You had to get a little baby passport so that we could go on a cruise through the Southern Caribbean with the fams (ps baby passports are hilarious). We've been planning this since even before I had you in my belly, and it was amazing to see it come to fruition. Who went? Grandpa Gary, Nonni Mary, Aunt Age, Uncle Tony, Uncle Cole, your cousin Tatum, and your Daddy and me and you.

This is the whole crew in St. Maarten, a little half-Dutch half-French island in the Caribbean.

You were so amazing on the cruise. You were probably the youngest little dude on the entire ship of over 2,500 passengers, because they don't let anyone under 6 months on the cruise. And not many people are silly enough to take their little mini baby, 8 months old, on a Caribbean cruise, so there you were!  It worked out so well though because all of the workers on the ship just oohed and aahed over you. I think they miss their families because they are working on the ship for so long. Many of the workers knew your name and would visit you at our table.

I think men in other countries connect with babies more than in America because no one was embarrassed to play with you. One night when you didn't make it to dinner because you were napping, two of our waiters came up to us and said, "Where's Dax? I'm so sad he's not here, I was looking forward to it all day!" Another waiter said, "I really miss him, I hope he makes it tomorrow." And they were genuine. Of course, you loved all the attention--you are such a good-natured charmer and you just smile at everyone and try to grab their hands. Strangers are your favorite, so on a ship-full of them, you were in heaven.

Off the ship, you just went with the flow. If you were tired, you napped, where ever you happened to be.

in the car with Nonni

at the beach with Aunt Age

walking with Daddy

Daddy and I were so lucky to have babysitters on hand that we frequently snuck away!

playing Bingo

We were sad when the trip ended, but glad to get home. You were an ok traveler on the way back--from Puerto Rico to Philly you slept, but then we had our worst plane ride (of the dozen or so you've taken since birth) from Philly to San Diego. You were awake and fussy for about five and a half hours. Daddy and I kept trying to entertain you, but you definitely wanted off that plane! You didn't cry or anything, but it was hard to keep you relaxed. But pretty good for a full day of travel! We couldn't ask for a better baby, really.

You had some FIRSTS on the cruise:
1) first taste of bread (you are definitely in touch with your Midwestern roots because you LOVE it)
2) first taste of chicken
3) first dip in the ocean (what kid gets a first dip in Antigua for pete's sake!?)
4) first word is.....mamamamamamaMOMmammaMOMMMM!!

We love you so much! Good job buddy.