Last Post

So this is it. My last post on 365. I made the decision immediately after my last post. I finally knew this blog had reached its conclusion. I wanted to formally say It Is So.

This blog started out very personal for me. I began it in 2009, just one month after moving to San Diego. Two months after our wedding. Childless & a fresh 30 years old. It was meant to be a creative outlet for me to write and work on my words. And It Was.

It was cathartic to put my inner scenes out there & get a flurry of comments. I have made friends on here. Other blogging cyber friends who I will continue to read. I also became closer to friends and family who shared that they enjoyed hearing some of the more intimate thoughts that swirl around the brain.

However as time progressed, I became acutely aware of the shortfalls of this medium for my purposes. I  oftentimes wanted to share openly my most sensitive thoughts because that is what writing has always been for me. A way to work through my biggest feelings and Get Over It. Yet, I've learned that the cyber world is no place for such psychiatry.  With an audience of your friends & family, one can't help but edit the emotions, which therefore takes away their power to provide personal enlightenment. I will be taking those particular troubles back to the safety of my journal, where I am now convinced they belong.

At another time I thought a blog would be an excellent platform for the sharing of opinions. Heaven knows I have a lot of them, most of them strong. Yet again, I found myself conscious of my audience. Many of which I knew firsthand disagreed with my arguments, ideas, or sometimes, took my posts as personal criticisms. I am ashamed of this, but at times I did use this blog as way to passively aggressively address those closest to me whom I disagreed with. After posting any of these, I almost always felt unease, or worse yet, pride. So gradually I came to realize that this blog was no place for that either. I care far more about the relationships in my life than I do about Being Right.

And so I have come to realize that one of the best uses of this blog for me has been using pretty words to describe things that have happened in my life, devoid of agenda. I love the feedback and the writing itself is always fun for me.

However, since becoming a mother, even this action itself has fallen short for me. I have felt torn between my own love of creative storytelling & my need to chronicle this little life for our children. Thus far, I have attempted a healthy marriage of the two, however, I feel that in doing so, I do justice to neither.

So I have decided to focus on just one. I think for me going forward, a great way to blog is simply to use it as a way to save the memories of our family. Pictures and places, mostly whats and whens. I want my next blog to be dedicated to the story of my family. I will use it as a virtual baby book, as many moms do. It will refrain mostly from idea-spouting and waxing poetic as I truly want it to be a place to update my friends and family as the goings ons. And I want it to be a gift to my children & my future self, an opportunity to recall the memories of the moments.

I am hoping this new angle will provide me more freedom to post more often. & also freedom to share with the people I care about. I am finding facebook lately to be a weak place to add content as to this end, so I am hoping this blog will fill that gap. Tomorrow will be my first post and I hope to see you (my seven friends who still even check this dusty old blog :-)) there @ Keeping Up With the Kaushagens. I promise you it will get prettier as I build it.

Thanks for reading. It's truly been a pleasure.

dedicated to the nobody who wasn't listening,
Darcy

And then there was Drew...

Why is it always November I feel compelled to write? The words have come back, sifting into my moments again, their poetry lulling me back to the page. I thought I abandoned you, blog. Left you cold. But now I have nowhere to put these sentences but here. So here I am.

Two months ago I had another baby. Baby Number Two. Baby Drew. It took months to find his name inside of me. I kept asking him, asking him to tell me. I didn't want a D name. I always thought it was perhaps part lazy/part tacky to name your children with the same letter. I swore I would never. But that was his name. He swore it to me up and down. Whispering always. Every other name felt like a croak in my throat.

And so his name is Drew and I am madly madly in love with him.

Dave said the greatest thing the other day, that he didn't know how to explain it, but he swore that Drew had a good heart. Perhaps you can see it in his little baby smile, he crunches up and his whole body squeeeeesssss.

It's true what they say about second babies: you just don't worry like the first one. I am relishing every single moment of his little babyness. It goes so fast. I know people say that and it's really annoying and I'm not saying that like 'fucking look or you're going to miss something'! I'm saying that like 'i'm desperately trying to remember every tiny thing so I don't forget every tiny thing about you, even though I know better.'

I birthed Drew like a fucking warrior. All natural. Me & him & god. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced. Absolutely mind-blowing. If I have another, I wouldn't have it any other way. To feel every part of that was humbling and empowering and I'm unbelievably proud.

I want another baby. I haven't told Dave this. I'm pretty sure he won't read this, especially when I forget to tell him that I picked up my blog again atleast until this post is buried. I knew right after having Drew. No question. This family needs One More. He would freak if he knew how absolutely my bones know this.

November in San Diego is so dark. I love to see the ocean in the fall, when she is left to her own cold, heavy heaving. When the summer has flitted away, the lightness of the tourists lifted. At night she labors like a sheet of lead rolling up and down the beach. I am thankful that I feel like sharing that.

Letter to a 17 Month Old - from Daddy

What's up buddy? It's been a while since I wrote you. Your Mom is much better at getting these done than I am. So this was your 17th month of life. You and I have a pretty special thing going on, thats for sure. We still have a pretty normal routine everyday which you seem to enjoy. In the morning around 7:00-7:30AM I'll hear you calling for me or Mom from your crib. You haven't figured your way out of the crib yet but we are worried that day is coming very soon since you seem to have this knack for climbing. Not sure where you got that from...maybe from your famous Grandma Deb who climbed Mt. McKinley (Denali) and many other world famous mountains? Nah, that can't be it. Your Mom and Dad are used to be pretty athletic so we'll go ahead and take credit for that.

Once I get you out of your crib we usually hang out up stairs for 10-15 minutes so you I can get my bearings. You seem to always be ready to just dive into your day. When I first pull you out of your crib you always point towards the door and say "Momma." So we'll go peek in on Momma sleeping and trying to pry her eyes open while incubating your little sibling that is growing in her belly. You like to steal some of Mom's saltine crackers that she keeps near by for when she gets super hungery in the middle of the night. Since your Mom was a major source of food for so long and you aren't able to say the word "food" yet, you say "Momma" when you want some sort of food item. I am still trying to teach you the word "food" but you must be still trying to figure it out. In due time. You also are usually very thirsty in the morning so I give you your sippy cup and you guzzle it down at a rapid pace. When you are done drinking you are out of breath and say "ahhhhh," like it was the first drink you'd had after a long journey through the Sahara Desert.

Once you've been hydrated and got your hugs and kisses from Mom I'll usually take you down stairs for some breakfast. You're still a huge fan of breakfast sausage which I almost always make you. After that its an experiment for me. Sometimes you'll eat a bagel and cream cheese, toast and butter, eggs...but lately eggs haven't made the cut...cereal bars (which we don't like since we try and avoid as much processed foods as possible), bacon, canadian bacon, and of course I can't go wrong with just about any type of fruit (bananas, grapes, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, apples, blackberries, plums). You also enjoy a nice morning juice. I only fill your cup with half juice and half water so you don't get too much sugar and also so you get hydrated properly. You like orange juice, apple juice and lately we've been throwing in some berry juices made by "Naked Juice," which you seem to enjoy. Sometimes your uncle Cole makes some of his famous juice recepies using his juicer and you LOVE the juice he makes. As I am making you breakfast I usually turn on some Pandora music and we listen to some tunes. Sometimes its some downbeat electronica stations or classical. You seem to really like music with a good beat. You'll be in your high chair nodding your head to the beat and smiling. That always makes me laugh.

When you're done with your breakfast you stand up in your high chair and politely "ask" to be removed. I'll snag you and wash up your hands and face to remove the leftovers. Then I'll usually get your clothes on for the day and we'll often throw your shoes on and head out to the back yard where you love to play in our gardening pots....well, they used to be for gardening but now they are your "sand box."

You'll play in the back yard for at least an hour sometimes two. I'll usually hang out there and sip on coffee and play with you. Diego will often join you in the back yard and when he tries to escape you always start yelling at him saying "No! Noooo!" because you don't want him leaving the back yard and jumping in the neighbor's yard...well that's what Mom and Dad want anyway so you help us stay after him.

Once you get tired I or Mom will put you down for a nap. You've been sleeping at least 2 hours and sometimes 3 hours depending on how much energy I got out of you in the morning.

When I hear you stirring around 3pm I'll go up and grab you and Mom and I will try to figure out what type of adventure we should take you on in the afternoon. I hadn't been to one of your favorite places called "My Kid's Club House" in Poway so I got to take you there one afternoon and we had a blast! You loved playing in the ball pit with me and Mom.

After that we toured the vast tunnels and mazes this places has. It's pretty amazing. I wish I had a place like this when I was a kid! It's fun for me as a 32 year old so it must be out of this world for a kid. They also had a bunch of toys to play with and you seem to be drawn towards musical instruments. You like the drums and piano so far. I think mostly because you can bang on both of them, but they are also two of my favorite instruments so perhaps its in your blood.

You also had a lot of fun at the toy cash register and trying to get money from me. It's good to learn the art of sales early buddy. Show no fear and provide a good service and you'll do very well. I mean, who wouldn't want to buy something from this good lookin' guy?!

Believe it or not, you eventually get bored of playing with all the toys and equipment. Since the days are getting longer we'll try to get outside before we go home. Sometimes we'll take you to the beach. You love the sand! The water is pretty cold so after you get wet the first time you typically try to run from the waves when they come at you.

You're typically getting hungry by 6:00pm so we'll get you home and start making a nice dinner for you. You have been loving pasta with red sauce lately. Like your father and mother you are also a pretty huge fan of pizza which makes total sense. We avoid giving you any fruit or juice after 5:00pm to try and avoid any extra energy boost. You have sooooo much energy and just go go go that we have to try and slow you down if we're going to have a chance at getting you to bed on time. While we make dinner for you we usually let you watch your one tv show per day which is "Curious George." You looooove Curious George. You like to point at the tv and say "Geo!" You can't quite say George yet but it's pretty close.

After dinner I take you upstairs for your bath routine and naked time running around up stairs. You love books so you'll pick out your favorite one's and bring them to me to read. You love books with sound effects. You like the airplane book and I'll make airplane or jet sound effects which you repeat and actually do a good job. You know the different sounds between a prop plane and a jet plane. You also like to read books on trucks. Animal books are still a favorite as well and you can now make almost every sound for every animal.

After reading time I'll usually turn the lights out around 8:30pm and I'll try rocking you to sleep or carrying you while you rest your head on my shoulder. You like me to sing Jingle Bells to you while you are trying to go to sleep. It's been your favorite song for a long time now. Sometimes you don't like being held and just want to stretch out in your crib but don't want me to leave. So, I'll just lay down next to your crib and keep singing or humming Jingle Bells. You like knowing I am still in the room next to you. The funny thing is that a lot of times I'll fall asleep on the floor next to you and won't wake up until 11:00pm or even later. I think most times I fall asleep before you do.

You're such a precious little boy and I can't imagine life without you. The amount of love and joy you have for me and Mom is so flawless and genuine. It's something that is so hard to describe and only hope you feel the same in return from me because all I want to do is give you the best life possible. I love you so much Dax. I'll cherrish every day I have with you!

- Love Dad (Dave)

Letter to a 16 month old

I'm not sure why I'm dragging on this particular post--sorry it's so late buddy. But honey, you've been so darn busy. Frankly, I'm exhausted. The minutes I get to myself--I want to simply stare at the wall. That sounds crazy when ya type it, but truly, it's a survival thing. You run like the wind kid.

Not only the running, but now it's THE CLIMBING. You are reaching new heights. You've figured out that you can drag things up to taller things, and use your pieces as step stools. This makes everything in the whole house dangerous. All the countertops are fair game now, and you even grab at the pictures on the wall. It is the most frustrating thing in the entire world totally developmentally appropriate.

You love to get into absolutely everything. You can turn doorknobs and climb on beds and scale walls. You drag everything from somewhere and leave it everywhere. You topple furniture for fun. You empty drawers for amusement. You love to climb from chairs unto super dangerous glass kitchen tables that reside on the super dangerous hard tile. You open bottom drawers and use them as climbing apparati to crawl on countertops. When we bolt latches on the bottom drawers in question, you went ahead in your frustration and ripped the front of one of the drawers off when you couldn't open it. I can't turn my head away for even seconds before you knee-deep in some form of destruction. You are a complete terrorist joy.

Some of the climbing you do is, frankly, impressive. You can climb the three-shelved changing table now like a ladder. You step and then you step and then you hold on the top level, balance with your arms, and then cantalever unto the top! I'm so impressed I let you have your fun up there. Although I sold that darn thing just today because mommy simply can't stand looking at another thing that could break your little baby body.



While you've said 'yeah' for awhile, your new word is 'no.' And you like to tell it to the cat all the time. You must get that from Daddy because everyone knows I never tell that cat 'no.' You also say 'ball' and 'night-night' and you seriously understand almost everything we are saying. You listen to me pretty good too. When you stand on chairs, I tell you to 'sit on your butt' and you do!

You only nurse twice a day now--in the morning and at your nap. Your Daddy puts you to sleep these days. You seem to be taking it well. In the next couple weeks we'll drop that morning one and see how you do. It's crazy as we get close to the end of nursing, I feel as if I'm experiencing a loss. I love that quiet time with you and you seem to take such comfort in it too, especially now as you are in Super Crazy Omg Please Stop Moving Toddler Mode. However, I feel ready--I think it is time. I think you will be ok as well, but perhaps I'll have to wear you in the Ergo more often for awhile so we get our cuddle time.

Your Nonnie & Grandpa had a visit here at the beginning of the month, and you of course, love all that attention. They got to hang out with you & read to you & walk with you, which you always love.

this is your 'i need a nap' face

You had a cold all month, but we are so thankful it wasn't the bad one that it almost was a blessing to know that you could get sick without needing a breathing treatment. I am praying that those bronchiolitis bouts were just flukes and not a recurring thing.

You and I go on playdates all the time with a few of my neighbor friends & of course the mom's group. You are so social, you love to hang out with all the kids. We got to visit your cousin Jack and new baby Kate this month in San Clemente--you always have fun over there. Your Uncle Cole watches you for us too, and you love him so much. You get all giggly and giddy whenever he hangs out with us, so some of your favorite time is when he watches you. He, in true Uncle form, taught you how to spin around in circles until you get so dizzy you fall down--you think the game is the Most Fun Ever.

You can throw almost any ball straight and far. You now are kicking the ball too. You love books and make us read one after another after another. We let you watch one episode of Curious George a day, which you love more than life itself--you sit on the couch like an old man and sip your sippy and munch on crackers with nary a peep the whole show. Intellectual pursuits are not your bag--if you can't get the shape in the shape sorter on the first try, instead of trying to figure it out, you angrily smash the blocks on floor repeatedly and then whip the block at the wall before you run off in another direction.

You love to be thrown and twirled and you love to tackle. You do like super hugs now where you hug really tight and pat my back as you hug. You are getting better with petting Diego in a gentle way. You hold hands now and are communicating what you want and need all the time. You make car sounds and plane sounds, as if, as a boy, you came programmed with them.

You're a charming kid with twinkly eyes and a great spirit and an easy smile. We love you so much--more and more each minute. Sometimes I wonder how my heart can get ANY bigger at all, and then there you are with that toothy happy grin--and it stretches every time. You should see your Daddy when he looks at you too--his eyes get so soft and happy--you two definitely have such a cool bond. I love you little guy--Happy 16 months!

The Land of Sand & Fog

We are wading through the sunlight in Del Mar, California. It is a typical Wednesday. But I am tired, feeling a little broken. Dave suggests we drive here, for a change. The beach stretches it's beige & powdery paint just 15 mins from the house.

After parking, we clip towards the panorama. You can feel that languid, cool vibe of streets stuck together with sidewalk stores--the kind that frequent towns butted up next to the ocean. I'm feeling glad we came here. Even if we're quiet.

We reach the green & then the cliffs &
there's the ocean.

Tears get caught up in the throat for no other reason other than
it's beautiful & i needed to see this.

We stand in the pink muted part of the scene as the sun fades down. Everyone is standing still & watching as the fog rolls its grey damp mass over the ocean.

When it finally envelops us--we close the eyes and feel the earth move.

In a silent powerful instance, the fog erases the sun & turns the scene damp and grey. The heart counts its blessings. Thank you god for the big, beautiful things that reminds us to get out of our own brains.

I set Dax free and he runs & runs, facefirst into the giant soggy landscape.  The mist cooling his teeth, stretched into a full joyous smile.

Letter to a 15-month-old

You seem so much less like a baby as of late and more and more like a little boy. This thrills us and saddens us at the same time. I already can't remember you as a little newborn and that was not that long ago!

You understand so much. I feel like you get almost everything I am saying these days, which definitely means the boundary testing, on your part, has begun. You know when I don't want you to do something, and you get a little glint in your eye, and most of the time, you do it anyway. This means mommy and daddy need to brush up on our 'how to get toddlers to listen' info.

You try to talk now and that's fun. You say a bunch of babbly stuff and look at us like you are making perfect sense, even though you have made none. You try so hard to tell us stuff with increasing fervor and daddy and I just have to laugh because your attempts at conversation are so endearing. I have a feeling you'll be a pretty chatty toddler.

You say 'uh-oh' right before you find or grab off-limits things such as cellphone or glasses of water. You also so 'whattttt?' and 'wowww'. You have also started obnoxiously yelling 'MAAAAA!!!' which kind of reminds me of Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers, trying to get the attention of his mother in the other room to cart in some meatloaf.

You are so super physical. The other day you climbed into a drawer, balanced on a ball inside the drawer while simultaneously holding onto the oven door and reaching for the fridge. Any onlooker probably would have freaked a bit, but I see you do the most dangerous things kid.

You now go to playcare at my gym on a regular basis, and the woman who is there all the time said she couldn't keep you off the older kid's playground equipment. She showed me how you climbed up the big kid's stuff and then as you headed for the slide she started to stop you. I told her you were fine, and she was like 'No! he'll go down that big slide by himself?!' And I said, 'Oh yes, just watch." And of course, you smartly turned around backwards and there you went, all by yourself, squealing the whole way down the big kid slide. She said  "He's fearless!" And I would have to agree.

you're so independent. you would run that whole field without looking back

Unfortunately though, everyone still notices how you still take a bunch of tumbles though. People say, "I've never seen a kid fall so much!" And this is true, you biff it all the time. But I know that the only reason you do is because YOUR WILL is beyond what YOUR BODY is yet able to do. So you kind of go full force on everything, but you still got these short little toddler legs with developing muscles that haven't quite caught up with your desires, so unfortunately this ends up with your head hitting almost everything all the time. Your glee overrides your caution every time.

You went all the way to Alaska this month to visit your Grandma Deb & Grandpa Dan & Uncle Dalton on their farm in Anchorage. You had such a blast! They have animals everywhere, and you were beyond thrilled. They had a newly hatched little chick in the entryway and atleast 20 times per day you went to check on it--you peered through the little kennel and pointed and said 'ooohhaa!' or 'ddaaa' (these are your universal words for 'things that are pretty cool').

Grandma Deb took you out every day! She strapped you to her back in your puffy snowsuit and big fur hat and off you went to help her feed the horses & chickens & goats & sheep & cows & dogs! You loved it, especially the goats and the chickens. It was freezing and snowing, but you didn't mind, you loved your trips out into the yard. Daddy took you out too and even you & I went for a long walk, but mostly, you were Grandma's little helper.

outside with Grandma Deb, a chilly 10 degrees!

the sheep

your fave, the goats

 the chickens

petting Angel & Precious, the retired sled dogs

out for a walk with Daddy

Inside the house you became BFF with Zeus, the house doberman, better known as 'the nicest dog ever.' You loved to give him your breakfast and you found the dog biscuits and gave him like 20 per day.  I'm sure Zeus is missing your friendship immensely.

You were good to the cats & pretty interested in the parrot that visited one day too. You pretty much ran the place for the week we were there, and it took three days for you to be normal Dax again--you missed it so much. We missed it too as your Daddy and I got lots of breaks with all those babysitters around (it also didn't hurt that your Uncle Dalton showered us with homemade delicious pizzas everyday). I wish so much that more close relatives lived in town here--I feel like you would benefit greatly from all of those extra hugs in your life. I wish I knew how to reconcile that for you (us).

a parrot?!

hanging out with Elizabeth, your first cousin once removed :-)

a Christmas book from Grandma

saying goodbye  at the Anchorage airport,

This month has been huge for you on the sleep front. As I've already raved, you've been sleeping through the night for a couple months now. But this month, we were able to put you in your crib while you were awake! WHAT?! This is unheard of. Prior to this month, if we put you down even a smidge before you happily fell asleep in our arms or in my lap while nursing, you would stand up and scream and cry so hard. Now, it seems as if you prefer it! We get you really sleepy and then when you're almost there, we lay you down and then AND THEN you grab your blanket, turn on your side, and VOILA, Just. Like. That.

I've always laughed when people would advise 'put your baby down when they are sleepy but awake'! Ha ha ha, yeah right! You would never allow that. Until NOW! It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. We've never really done any sleep training whatsoever (despite everyone's assurances that if we didn't you'd never learn how to sleep EVER), so the fact that you've naturally evolved into this is pretty awesome to us. Of course, you won't let us leave the room yet if you're still awake and in your crib, which means we frequently snooze next to your crib until you pass out, but hey, baby steps right?!

You had your second Christmas this year and still have no idea what's going on, but you got lots of books, toys, and clothes. Me and your daddy and your uncle cole took you on a Holiday Hayride at the Del Mar Fairgrounds to look at the cool Christmas lights. We also took you to see Santa at Old Poway Park, although we didn't get any pics with you and Santa because the darn line was too long. We figured you'd forgive us.

at Old Poway Park, awaiting Santa's arrival

You love to look out the window. You make piles of blankets and dive bomb on them. You play with cars and planes and even make the "vrooooom" sounds. You point at the sky when you hear a plane. You love to play your little instruments and when a good song shows up on Pandora you stop what you're doing to dance. 

We love you so much Dax. I know these letters are so long, but we forget so quickly--this helps me remember every you that ever was!

2012: Forwards and Reflections, Three Lists

HAPPY NEW YEAR! While 2010 was The Year of Dax, 2011 definitely was a Year of Transition. Becoming a mother to Dax turned my world upside down. While I birthed him in 2010, it was 2011 that truly challenged & changed my core being. I learned that most of what I missed doing pre-child (staying up late, watching TV series marathons, going out with friends spontaneously, leisurely travel) were a thing of the past. And I learned to accept that.

I learned what it meant to be responsible for another human being, I felt the weight of that become part of Who I Am. I learned how to find time with my husband, the love of my life, and I learned that my love for him only gets deeper and stronger with each shared experience.

I learned to trust my instincts and forget the rest. He is my child and mostly, I gotta go with my gut. I learned that with that comes a certain amount of assertiveness I'm not used to. I learned that I gotta get more hard-headed about what's right for Dax according to ME (and Dave of course!). I also learned that every other mother in the world has the same damn right. Give her that same respect. At the same time, I learned to be open to ideas, because sometimes I simply just do not know the answer.

Without further ado, the lists....

Ten Highlights 2011:

1. Probably the biggest was our cruise with our family to the Southern Caribbean with our then 8 month old. What an incredible & beautiful experience to share with my loved ones. We saw Puerto Rico, Antigua, St. Lucia, St. Maarten, Barbados, St. Croix i.e. some of the most gorgeous place on earth. A highlight of my life.

2. My third niece, Pria Ann, being born on August 12. I am so thankful that she is healthy and am constantly amazed by how big the heart can get to fit in all these new little beings in our lives!

3. I joined a well-organized and tight-knit stay-at-home mom's meetup.com group that always has lots of fun and different stuff on the calendar. The playdates I've attended and moms I have met have helped smooth the transition from mehood to mommyhood. I anticipate building some long-term friendships with some of these lovely girls.

4. My cousin Josh got married in September, so we traveled to Fargo to attend the wedding. It was so cool to see all of my cousins and our little ones play together. I also got to see my grandma & lots of my aunts and uncles I haven't seen for awhile. It was an awesome celebration. (Bonus: I hear my cousin and his new wife are pregnant now!!!)

5. Taking a road trip up to Thief River Falls, Minnesota where Dave's dad and extended family live & farm on their family's homestead. I love that my mom went with us to share that time with us too. We got to see Dave's grandma & lots of his aunts & uncles (and introduce them to Dax!). They threw an impromptu bday party for Dax and showered him with clothes and toys.

6. The weekend of Dax's first birthday party and baptism. Everyone from Minnesota & Alaska & Arizona came and our house was filled with celebration & love. I also loved his absolutely beautiful & precious baptism in our backyard, facilitated by the same man who married Dave & I, who flew in from AZ.

7. Another year of countless visitors! You name it--family & friends--it never ended! Two of my Bff's from AZ, Kasey & Beth, visited me twice this year. Dave's friends visited & the Blue family visited. Dave's dad & brother & mom. My dad & stepmom & siblings. My mom & sis & three nieces--Nova, Pria, and Tatum. Extended family visited too. San Diego sure doesn't lack in people who want to come here (although Dax prolly helps too :-)).

8. Five trips to see family. Two trips to MN (one in May for sister's baby shower & another for Pria's birth in September). Two trips to AZ (one in March for friend's wedding & another in June for Father's Day). One trip to Alaska at Christmastime (I LOVED spending time at the farm up there with Dave's family and watching Dax have such a ball was so much fun--he LOVED all the animals!)

9. Finding balance. Thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law, we were able to interview and hire a sitter for a once-a-month date night. We found the perfect person for our family and have been enjoying a night on the town! I also joined a gym near our house that I can walk to that has playcare and even drop-off times in case I need to run some errands. Also, my brother is now watching Dax once a month during the day so we can have some free time. I anticipate this will all just keep getting better and better, although I still wish with all my might that we had a grandma or aunt around that we could get some more relief.

10. Watching Dax reach major milestones has been such a huge joy this year. Rolling over. Sitting up. Walking. SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT. And now starting to try to talk! It has been so cool to see him grow & change from an infant into a toddler--what a miracle life is.

Reflections:
Here's is my list from last year, in review....

1) That Dave moves closer to his actual profession. His happiness is so important to me & our family & our future. Yes! Dave, in all his free time (omg how did he do it?!), studied for and got his California Real Estate License. We are one-step closer to him getting back into the profession he loves! 

2) That I find some way, some how, to build some income for myself. Um, yeah right, unless you count selling used cloth diapers on diaperswappers or old baby stuff on craigslist, then I'm pretty much unable to earn a single dime. Will modify for next year.

3) That I start something altruistic that will change the world. or my community. Yea, no. I quit the only volunteer thing I was doing. WTF? 

4) Make exercise a part of my daily life. for health. for life. Absolutely. I walk all the time with Dax. He loves to go outside and so do I. I have only hit a few yoga classes this year, but with new gym membership, I'm thinking this will change.

5) Continue working on healthy food living. Cook more. Eat more locally grown. Consume less crap. Food is life.  Because carting around a baby is hard to do & sucks away the budget, I eat at home almost 95% of the time and prolly ate better this year than I have any other year of my life. We also are almost exclusively getting our fruits & veggies from the local farmer's market, so that Dax and us stay pretty seasonal and local. 

6) Change the way we buy. Try to buy & eat from small businesses. Buy more used.  Use $$$ to create world I want to live in.  No Doubt! I get most baby stuff used. I am trying to shop less at big chain groceries and instead buy at places like Trader Joe's (which I know is everywhere, but I love them and they rock and I never want them to leave). I am trying to check the desire to purchase new things and only assess need, not want. I still have a ways to go on this goal, but feel like I've made significant progress this year. 

7) Get a handle on sleep. Dax has turned our world upside-down and sleep is very, very elusive. I believe it's possible to regain some of it with a healthy dose of education and consistency. YES!!! Dax starting sleeping through the night at the ripe old age of 13 months. 

8) Balance. Keep relationship with Dave lovely by making time for each other sans baby. Find group of SAHMs with young kids so I don't feel trapped at home i.e. make mom friends! For sure! Well, Dave and I still need a lot more time for each other, but we've made gains by finding a sitter and utilizing my bro. Also did join a group of SAHMs and am making mom friends galore! 

9) Friendships. Build some friendships here in San Diego. Try to be more in touch with the good friends that I do have.  I would say I'm iffy on this one. While I have the seeds of friendships here in San Diego, we still haven't really taken roots yet. I truly believe that now that Dax is a little more self-sufficient, that some of the potential friendships will grow deeper this year. It takes awhile to grow a true friendship! In terms of staying in touch with friends I do have in other states? Um, so-so. I call and see when I can and send cards, but prolly could call more. 

10) Think progress, not perfection. Major fail. I am a bit too hard on myself. 


Forwards: my dreams, hopes, & goals for 2012


1). That we sell my old pick-up truck and buy a car! We need another four-door car so Dave doesn't have to haul my little purple truck down to Spring Valley every day! 
2) That Dave moves ever closer to his career goals: building on his client list and sales so he can finally make the cut from his current job. 
3) That I finish a 365-page draft of my first novel. That's a page a day--I can do that i can do it i can do it. 
4) That I grow & birth another healthy child--that's right, we're ready folks! 
5)  Continue making healthy lifestyle choices by increasing my vegetable intake (and Dax's!), trying new healthy recipes, going to yoga more, & trying to meditate more. 
6) That I grow more in my spiritual life, either by finding a place to improve relationship with God or by simply praying more or finding a way to maintain the focus on a more consistent basis.
7) Read more! Whereas last year I clocked in prolly like five books :-(, I intend this year to read at least 20! 
8) Waste less time. Cut out as much bullshit as possible. Biggest time wasters? Reality TV (confession: Beverly Hills Housewives and the Kardashians anyone?!) and mindless internet browsing. 
9) Find more personal time & time with Dave. I feel desperate for both of these. We've made some gains, but far from enough to make the soul feel quite right. 
10) Continue to build on my current relationships here and away. Go see my cousin James & his wife Kristen more in San Clemente (ps another highlight of 2011 is they had a healthy baby girl!). Spend time building new friendships here from my mom's group. Get a sitter & go out to dinner with our other friends more. Call out-of-state friends and family more. 
11) That we get through this next year of toddlerdom with joyful hearts :-).


HAPPY 2012 family, friends, and blogging friends!