Diary of a Due Date

Today was dripping with pretty.

I woke up to the quiet licks of lightening, appearing like white veins in the grey sky. The cracks of thunder moved me to the window. The scene was drenched. Flowers lit up our yard--bits of paint, yellow and red roses. They were bright and vivid. Bursting against the slicked green leaves. 

I listened to the sound of the world and loved her. Loved her chatter. The cymbal sound on the concrete. I was glad for it. Glad that today looked different than other days. I wanted the outside to be different. 

I walked for an hour today with my mother-in-law in this warm, wet neighborhood--we trekked over the hills, pausing at snails. It felt purposeful--her and I--waiting for the little guy, swinging him in my hips, encouraging him. We ate egg and cheese sandwiches and baked sugar cookies, frosting them at the table. I drank my raspberry tea and we enjoyed the weather together. The silence outside soothed me. 

I am so tired now. I let the Big Day pass over me. I am thankful for it. Thankful it's over. I can get on with real things, like uncertainty. And life.

Hurry Up and Wait

I'm still here. Full moon pregnant.

Forty weeks in just days. These things seems so arbitrary now...my little man knows little of the date we've chosen for him. 

I hear pineapple helps induce labor. And sex. And walking. I'll try them all...

I've nested. And re-nested. The closet are clean. The cupboards organized. I did six loads of my husband's laundry on Sunday. In the decade we've been together, I've only washed one load of his laundry. And I ruined two of his shirts. This time. His clothes are clean and perfect. Nesting is real. 

Now I want my dark corner. Like a cat. I've shuffled around my nest of newspapers. I want to SIT DOWN and WAIT. I want to Be Quiet. I want darkness. And silence. Leave me alone world, I have the world's work to do...

38 Weeks. Wait...whaa?

Time has stopped completely. I am paralyzed. I can do nothing. I can think nothing but when when when will this happen? I am obsessed.

I can't believe I'm here. I'm on the fringe of mommyhood. Isn't this something other people do? Not me, there's no way I'm ready for this.

I am gathering up my little baby belongings. I am lining them against the crib. I am thumbing through his little baby closet daily. I am picking out outfits for him. I am wondering who he will be. How will I usher him through this life, as best I can, without being TOO MUCH.

I am mourning every moment of right now. Almost like the way one mourns grandparents who lived good long lives. I am sad to see this moment GO, but I know it's time.

I have a headache right now and my belly is moving like crazy. Dax is shuffling around in his amniotic hammock, making himself at home. I don't know why, but labor still feels like a ways off. I have a feeling I won't be early. Or so my intuition says. I think I'll sense when it's closer. I'll just know...

Does everyone around me feel the weight of the world shift? Do they feel the light in the air move differently? Nothing feels the same to me right now. Every moment is a moment I've never felt before. I'm knee-deep in Change.

I love you, my little buddy. I will miss you in my belly. I will miss your turns and rolls, your closeness, your safeness, you're unknown.

But right now, I want you OUT. My dear son,

I want to hear you Laugh.