Unsolicited Advice Sounds Like Criticism

Dax is progressing on his napping. By progressing, I mean, he's alone in a room and able to sleep for longer stretches of time. The term "progressing" obviously suggests room for improvement. He is still in his car seat; he sucks at sleeping without it. I hate to keep saying this because, frankly, it's embarrassing. The seat is shored up, and I watch him like a hawk on the monitor so he's safe, but still.

The question I ask myself is: Do I really care? Or do I care because I know other people pooh-pooh me? Do I care because I know others are thinking, "What is she doing?!"

When I talk to moms (real moms, not articles on what babies should be doing), there's these kind of hushed confessions. Like my friend whose three-year-old still sleeps with them in their bed. Or my other friend who admitted: they used the car seat for what others would consider "too long." Or how about my relatives whose boy slept in the swing for months? These are the things we say under our breath, and then we look up, trying to ignore any look of judgement in another's eyes.

I hustled into my mom's group meeting a week or so ago, apologizing for being late because Dax was sleeping, on his back, and I didn't want to rouse him. A woman there with two kids told me with a sad frown that she finally had to let her baby "cry-it-out" at 8 months. She told me her and her brother got a bottle of wine and sat on the porch as her baby wailed. But it worked; he sleeps great now. She looked at me a little guiltily.

When people tell me these types of things, I try to erase any judgement from my face and thoughts. Because first off, do I think your baby is going to be scarred for life because you let him cry before bed? No. I don't. (Unless they're less than 3 months old, then that's debatable). Plus, my baby is so young still, and although I have never let him cry himself to sleep, perhaps I'll feel differently at 8 months. I have no idea. For now, I simply can not. I just physically can't.

My feeling is: If you're not beating your child or abandoning or neglecting or abusing your child and you love your baby and it's pretty obvious, then hey, whatever you're doing is probably great and fine and perfect for you and your family.

I kind of wish people would grant the same respect back though. 

Because when you have a baby, omg, EVERYONE has an opinion. Truly, it's INSANE.

If you're one of those people that is in the peanut gallery to parents everywhere, please please heed these words: Unsolicited advice oftentimes comes off like CRITICISM. We are all guilty of this sometimes, so focus up.

How do you know if you're doing this? This is a great way to check... After you say things, do you feel like the response you get is one of defensiveness? Does your co-conversationalist seem a bit frazzled, and immediately start to explain WHY they do what THEY do? This happens because your "advice" sounds like this: Here's the right way to do it. You don't do this. So you are obviously doing it wrong. 

Do you often feel like "you are only trying to help"? Of course you are. Stop It. We ALL do what we do because we think it's better than what others do. Don't you think I have a couple opinions on what you could be doing better? Of course I do. Do you want me to share? I didn't think so.

Another point: You might THINK they are asking for your advice when they are whining about some kind of parental speed bump. But listen to me: They are not asking for your advice unless they specifically say, "What do you think? What would you do? Any thoughts for me?" Something along those lines. If they don't say those things, then they are simply venting. Let them.

As a parent navigating the ways of baby-raising, there are a MILLION ways to do things that result in all-growed-up & decent human beings. There is no one road map to an awesome human being. The paths are infinite.

The bottom line is that as a parent, all each of us have is our instincts. And when you are raising your little ones, those instincts are pretty dialed in to your particular tyke if you give a good listen. So when people give you that unsolicited advice, it is the worst kind of advice because it's about your kids. You know them better than anyone else and they are the most important thing in the entire world to you. Naturally, you feel pretty strongly about what you do and why you do it. So that advice just pisses you off because a) you know you're doing it right by your kid and b) holy shit, what if you aren't?

Ok ok don't get worked up...
I'm not saying all advice is bad. We need to share. There's two ways to do this without offending:

1) Wait until you are asked for advice. Then share it in a supportive, loving way. But don't get all offended if the person doesn't follow it exactly. The person is doing what they feel works for them, sometimes it's what you advised. Sometimes not. Don't take it personally.

2) Share YOUR experiences using "I" statements. People love to hear what other people did. And sometimes it helps. Say "I used to put my baby in a carrier to get them to stop being fussy," NOT "You should put your baby in a carrier to get them to stop fussing." See the difference?

Is some of this post unsolicited? Ha ha. Oh well, you get the f**king point right? Let me raise my baby!!!