But that love gives me tremors sometimes. Babies are so tiny and helpless and perfect. In the beginning, I would get flashes of images of babies that were neglected, abandoned, shoved into trash cans. It would shock me, tears choked in my throat.
Obviously, I always felt anger and disgust towards any kind of willful neglect or tragedy directed towards children. But when mommyhood bloomed in me, that feeling ballooned into utter disbelief, rage, and extreme sadness. How could anyone hurt a baby--their own or others? Don't they feel what I feel? This all-encompassing adoration, this innate impulse to protect, to nurture and love them? A feeling so large it seeps into your being. Makes your heart bigger than the universe. Unable to stand even a whimper from your little one's mouth.
Who are these cruel, heartless abusers? I am racked with incomprehension. To think of it makes me want to tear my mind out of my head. I don't, on principle, believe in capital punishment, but I guarantee you no tears are shed when a child abuser/murderer gets tied to a chair and poisoned on the state's dime. Dear God, protect us...
I also now see any murder as a mother losing somebody. If I turn on the news or read the news or see the news (none of which I try to do because it freaks me out), and the top story is death before their time, I can't help but think of that person's mother. What she must have felt. What exceptional sadness. What extraordinary grief. I can't take it. A lump develops. Please, shut if off. I am feeling too much.
Even parents estranged from their children, I think 'what's wrong with you? How could you?' You mustn't feel what I feel. If Dax forsook me as a part of his life, I would fight until my fingers bled to climb back into his world.
Mommy eyes are bloodshot with empathy. Love so intense it feels like pain. The higher your joy, the deeper your sadness: Nothing has highlighted this dichotomy to me like motherhood. I pray that the peaks and the valleys always
Keep us safe.
And well.
And loved.
5 comments:
This post explains in writing exactly how I feel...except through Daddy Eyes :) The thought of Dax...I can't even write the words...I just want him to be so happy and healthy! Its funny because I feel superstitious that I can't even put into words the thought of anything happening to our child. Welcome to parenthood :)
wow... Yes I definitly understand what you are feeling I think any sane parent should feel this way. The world would be a better place. Beautifully written thanks for sharing this.
He is so sweet.... look at him just lying there safe and happy. Beautiful post!
So sweet I think about this a lot!! I can not stand to watch the news because it scares the bajeebies out of me!
I can only imagine the power that a love for your child can hold!
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