It's the same spring. I slip back into my body. The darkness lifts. Why was I ever so silent, moods wrapped like nooses around the insides?
It's a different spring. I have you in my body. In my belly. In my torso.
They say you are three inches long now. They say you can suck your thumb. They say your eyes are becoming your eyes.
Sometimes, I wish I could feel you. You feel so abstract to me. I want to feel something profound. I want to know you.
At other times, I feel like I know everything about you already. And you're you. And I've known you for thousands of years. I've loved you for lifetimes. I've held you so many times. I can't wait to see you again.
I wish that I dreamt of you.
Instead, I dream of cigarettes. Not a week goes by in the astral plane that I don't scramble behind a tin building with my stolen booty and chain smoke. In these nightly flights, I'm even still pregnant. But I'm deviant. I relish each puff. I'm sorry for that, my dear. I may not have control over my mind, but as for my body, I remain smoke-free.
What are you doing today, my love? Do you sense my thoughts, my dreams for you? Does the tap of the keys soothe you?
I am almost fourteen weeks now. I miss wine. I miss an icy cold beer on a hot spring day. I miss long baths. I miss drowning my mornings with caffeine. I miss the me that is leaving. It's impossible to keep her. I think it's o.k. Of course it's o.k. It's more than o.k.
Sleep late, my love, we have a long journey. We're done with the first trimester now. We sigh in relief.
To whoever you might be, I pray that I can help you be Who You Are.
9 comments:
what a beautiful bump (:
That abstract thing - I'm over half-way now with a huge bump, I know it's a boy, and I can feel him move. I've had two before. And still it's all quite abstract to me. I don't know how that can be.
U R So Cute, sister of mine! The dreamy days of pregnancy are upon u. It is a glorious time!
FYI-
Nova whispers in my ear at night and tells me stories of all the trouble her new little cousin and her will get into. They will be great friends, I can feel it!
Hugs from us to you.
Beautiful post, Darcy :) Made me tear up.
This was beautifully written and brought me back to my own memories of that first wondrous pregnancy. I'll hope you have a daughter who gave you as much joy as mine did. :-)
A lovely little bump indeed. As long as you're getting along fine with the morning sickness. That was my grump!
You'll make a great mum, Darcy. You do in words even before the birth!
gorgeous post and gorgeous belly!
enjoy the comfort of being past the 12th week and these next few weeks when every little bump and jump might be your first quickening! Such an exciting time!
Beautiful writing and musings.
Your cigarette dreams are funny.
I love how you came to that in the writing. It jolted me, but was so real. Hang in there.
You're a gifted writer. Loved this.
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