I wanted to write you something beautiful today. I wanted the words to fall out of my mouth and shape themselves into something lovely. I wanted you to take them home with you, damp in your closed fist. Then, you might unfurl your palm under the yellow kitchen lights and show your loved ones, "See look, look what I have found."
But I have only trinkets today. I offer you kitsch. Bits of hope. I've been meaning to tell you...The truth is: my list of goals for this year, the whole point of all this (I'm hoping you've forgotten), has fallen by the wayside. As I work more, the sparkling to-do list that brightens my futures, fades.
I keep looking back at my list, even after I've buried it in my sidebar. Sometimes I accidently glance at it, nostalgic. I want it still and still it's not completely lost.
In a way it's refreshing, because I can forgive myself. These past couple years of spoiled life have also caused me to yell at myself, "Why haven't you accomplished these things you've wanted to?" Now I'm remembering why my colors got pushed aside all those years: I've been working my ass off since age 13!
But still, I'm conscious now and so I'm still pushing. Just slower, slowly. I can't let time rush into the darkness. To be left open-mouthed and silent, with my imperceptible breath.
To be fair to my self-violent ego, there's been advances. The eating has improved by leaps and bounds. There's greens more. And my juicy fruits. There's buckets of whole grains.
Quitting smoking is a success, a two-oops breeze. Also, art swirls its shapes still and tonight, I'll command a brush after pushing these keys into words.
What's failed most: exercise seems like a silly dream. My book brainstorm is actually an idea in my brain but has neglected to storm the page. For now, I make pixel words here. And volunteering, while I claimed an organization and ideas and communication with a higher up, my action remains mostly inaction.
3 out of 6? Ain't half bad.
Well technically, it IS half bad. (slaps knee, chuckles to herself)...
294 days to go...
6 comments:
hmmm...... excuses. not tasty.
oh for goodness sake! your goals have NOT "fallen to the wayside".
That's the trouble with all you young ones! you want instant gratification, once you say something, it should happen! HA!
Love yourself, forgive yourself, its a lifetime of working on growing and changing...if we are really lucky we have alot of time for that. It's the beauty of everyday!
you do perfectly!
Er... and it IS half good!! (she chuckles to herself)
LOL! Thanks mom. I love you.
I'll get there...
hi Darc:
progress not perfection
if the trend line is up over an extended period of time... you have been blessed by the Gods..
First of all, there are no excuses here. Persistence will always win...especially if you are adapting to your environment. If something is not working - then change your approach. Life is a puzzle and you just have to keep trying to put the right pieces together...its good you aren't trying to FORCE the wrong pieces together...it wont make a pretty picture :)
I like what you say Dave.
Excellent! mome
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