Talking to my sister on the phone today she said, "I don't know if everyone else feels like this, but I feel like I have so much love surrounding me. And Nova. From all of the women in our lives." I smiled for her. I love that she feels that. I love that she is protected and supported.
Suddenly I realized like a lump in the throat that I would not have that when I had a child. Then, I was jealous of her. Intensely, painfully jealous.
After we hung up, I needed consolation for my woes. I needed to hear "Oh no honey, don't be silly, you'll be surrounded. We'll make it work." I immediately called my mother. No answer. My husband. No answer. My brother. No answer. With each left message, my voice broke a little more.
It will be alright. It will be alright. I counsel myself on my drive to work. How I got to today included the right steps; I retrace them to be sure. Check and check. And so, the world will take care of these needs for me. I trust. I won't. I won't be left alone.
After work, Dave gathers me in his arms and asks me if I'm o.k. Not really. I say.
I peel myself from him and make chamomile tea. Just smelling it reminds me of how delicious life can be, even in her sadness. I retouch and re-frame an original oil pastel of mine from a couple years ago. When I show Dave, I'm beaming.
3 comments:
Oh, so many thoughts. So personal and it doesn't feel appropriate in this venue.
So I'll keep it simple. You don't know when you'll get pregnant. So you don't know who will be apart of your life or where you will be.
Last night I was at a party. My neighbor says we can't plan a baby. We can only hope a baby because we really don't know what will happen even when we are trying.
Your post reminds me how much babies complicate things (not in a bad way), just in a way that is beyond changing diapers and staying up all hours sort of way.
You can call me anytime!
thanks erica!
i think ur right, when it does happen, i will be surrounded with everyone/thing i need. I trust that.
Darc- When I said that statement to you, I really meant it literally. I feel that I have support from family surrounds me- meaning I just feel it all the time, it pulsates around me like a large breathing bubble.
When u decide to start a family, know that we will expand our bubble. You are already in it, it just grows, like a tree. You must nurture it, feed it, spend time with it and love it, just like the little baby you will bring into this world. I love you everyday more and more. This is me- nurturing our bubble :)
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