Sometimes I feel like such a lesser being than others. How do other people do it? When I feel all maxed out about my baby I think of two things: 1) I have a healthy baby who is living. Key words: healthy. living. How dare I feel sorry for myself when I don't get 'me' time? And
2) I think about the Mormons who have like 8 kids and seem to love and care for them all and take them camping and read to them all while still feeling chirpy. God must love them more, because I get a little whiney with just my one kid. They must be God's BFF because they can have 8 kids and still have the stillness to be nice to people. Which them makes me think I should convert to Mormonism or atleast go to church because perhaps I'm being punished for not being Godly enough.
Either of these thoughts work to simply make me feel bad about myself.
Obviously that is not helpful.
I looked at Dax today and tried to remember a time when there was no Dax, and I couldn't do it. He has filled my whole world. I love him so much it hurts, but lately I have to admit that I've felt like I'm never going to be alone again.
Staying home with Dax is EXACTLY what I want to be doing, but sometimes I feel all chained up and sometimes resentful--like when I watch Dax all day and then I cook dinner and then after dinner I'm still cleaning up. It's 8:30 at night and I'm thinking 'why am I still in this f**king kitchen?' How did this happen TO ME? Then I see my thoughts and feel like an old bitter housewife and then I want to buck up for feeling like that--how ungrateful of me--my life is beautiful!
How do I create an inner attitude that is more continually joyful?
I keep hearing that quote in my head about the true character of a person is not measured when things are going right, but the true character of a person is measured when things are difficult. I feel like I'm failing this test--my true character feels weak right now. Why does it feel like everything has to be perfect for the free spirit to fly?
6 comments:
I hope I can help you have some "me" time the week after next. I would love to have him all by self (with Tatum helping of course) for a couple of days if you want. Try it you might like it. This is such a great, normal, (to me anyhow) post. I think we all have these thoughts. Thx for expressing them for me. It makes you more Godly. You are one of God's children just like Dax is. Really the same. Can't wait. Love, Nonnie
I agree, your path has changed more than it ever has before. You are now responsible for another human and it's a typical feeling to feel happy and a bit resentful at times. It's just a phase. The ultimate goal is independence. He won't need you every second forever. These are intense times. I say enjoy the good times and expect the boredom and fatigue. Make lots of plans. Don't stay in the house too much so you don't have time to dwell. Too bad we don't live closer :( I took Grant to baby ballroom classes amongst other things to make the day go by fun for me too.
I feel this way a lot too Darcy. I get into these funks and cry and complain and talk about how awful my life is forgetting that I almost died and that I'm lucky to even still be alive and that I should be grateful for just waking up every morning.
I think it's normal. I hope it is anyway because if it's not I don't know what to think about myself....
I do know what you're feeling though. I get ya. It's just the ups and downs of life. We can't ALWAYS be happy happy joy joy people ALL the time. We'd look nuts! LOL
I think we all go through days where we're unhappy for having to constantly clean and such. At least that's me anyway. I would have said cook and clean but I don't cook much.
I love my son to pieces but sometimes I wish for a break too. Most of the time my husband takes complete care of my son after work. But I'm still not alone. Luckily, my husband insists I take "me" days once a week. Whether it's out shopping with my mom or having a cup of coffee at the bookstore, I do something for myslef. It helps a lot.
The funny part is that I have days where I do actually cook and I've done tons of cleaning and I feel so happy for this life. I don't know how that works, lol, but I'm sure you'll have those days too. :)
ggg: i will definitely get some free time! thurs and friday! gunna be very nice, thanks for the compliments too :-)
erica: so it does get better then? ugh....it would be nicer if you lived closer, i'd drop him off :-)!
ballroom dance?! omg that's awesome...must. go. google!
HOLLI! oh my gosh, what happened?! see tho? that's exactly what i mean. I should be so thankful, although u r right, it probably is normal :-)
mommy is green: lol! well, i cook, but don't clean so much hahaha....
my hubby takes Dax after work too, I feel bad sometimes that i am like HERE TAKE HIM!!! But it is so nice it sounds like we have good guys who are willing to help and also want us to have 'me' time. My husband saw your comment and said that ur husband was prolly like him--forcing us to let go for a second! he liked that :-)
and u are totally right--i have AMAZING days, I just never feel like writing then hahah....
Don't feel guilty for those thoughts. Never. I have the same thoughts race through my head all the time and used to feel EXACTLY the same way-beating myself up. What I learned is that we have NO control over what thoughts pop into our head. We DO have control over how we deal with them. Life is hard for EVERYONE at times, and we all have different challenges. Just try and focus on the positive & not beat yourself up because you aren't measuring up to some standards you think should be there. It's hard. I struggle almost everyday. But when you free yourself from the guilt, you truly do become free :)
PS- Clicked on your blog from a comment on DIY Cupcake's blog
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