I have reached the highest JOYS I have ever felt. These are folded into the small moments--like the way he shakes his hands into the air and sqeeeeeessssss.....these are the moments I feel my eyes light up like wildfire. I feel full and complete and whole. In these moments I can see forever and my blessings stacked up like Christmas.
As a new mother, I can tell you...
I have reached the lowest LOWS I have ever felt. Some days I feel so frustrated and sad and mostly, I want to be alone. I want nothing more than to curl up all day with nothing but my own thoughts and a book and a bath. There are moments when I want him to sleep because he hasn't slept all day and he's fussy and I'm tired and I think in frustrated anger 'can't i just get one friggin second?!' I've had moments of mom bitterness, which I swore I'd never do, where I think, 'Can't anyone else do this?! For God's sake, why does it always have to be ME?" In this selfishness, I am ashamed.
As a new mother, I can tell you...
My relationship has changed. We are trying (struggling) to maintain to maintain normalcy....back how it was....you know, in the decade of our togetherness before baby? We are trying to keep it there. Safe and sound. But I have to tell you, our relationship has irrevocably changed. For the better? Sometimes. For the worse? Sometimes. The biggest pain is how much I miss him.
As a new mother I can tell you...
I wouldn't change this for the world. But I am struggling to re-define myself here. I can feel it. It is a slow stretch. It is Growing Up. It is Letting Go. Being a parent forces me to Look at Me. Who do I want Dax to be? Then I need to be that person myself. The responsibility has made me a better person.
As a new mother I can tell you...
I have no idea what I am doing. AND I know EXACTLY what I am doing.
As a new mother I can tell you...
It's raining outside. I love the world all damp and grey. I can hear the garbage truck bumble down the road. The baby is sleeping. All things are as they lay...
16 comments:
"As a new mother I can tell you...
I have no idea what I am doing. AND I know exactly what I am doing"
Gosh, thank you for sharing this! We aren't baby planning but definitely have baby making on the brain and I often ask myself, "Jeese, did my mom not know anything either?"
I'm new from FTLOB and look forward to following you =)
Your blog is amazing! And mummies are amazing! I can't wait to have a little bub of my own :)
I love this! I saw you on For the Love of Blogs -- and we should totally be blog buddies, I am in San Diego too!
Yes. That's it exactly. Another great post.
Being a mom is the most special thing in the world. No matter how young or old they are, they will always be your "baby". Enjoy!
Beautiful post! I've been a mother for 10 years now.....and STILL feel like I'm making this shit up as I go. :)
It is amazing how your life can feel so completely and utterly changed in the most wonderful way yet at the same time feel so completely disorganized and a mess.
There are days where I swear I could only have one child, my girl can be such high maintenance sometimes and than there are others where im rolling with the punches and could add another one in the mix no prob.
Embrace the good I keep telling myself.. and learn from the "not so good" - easier said than done I feel but it helps me
Oh, so that was how I felt. Too bad I couldn't put it into exact words like you. Maybe I would have been a better mother. Thx Darcy Yes this is another GREAT post. I hope I can help with some alone time on the boat.Love, nonnie
I love this post..... you write so well Darcy... I can truly feel your emotions jump off the screen!
KY: hello new reader! ps i love the baby making part ;-)
Theresa: awww....well i swear too, u'll love ur own so much, it's ridiculous
Natalie! Hi there San Diego friend! I love local blogger friends. i'm going to ur page now!
mwa: i obsess about this. i'm hoping by the time the second one comes around i can just fuggetaboutit....
sinea: i wholeheartedly agree.
starnes: good to know ;-)
eva: haha...i always tell my husband 'honey, it's been a three kid day!' which means I've had such a good day that i could have three kids....but then i have those days where i say 'it's a one kid day babe!' which means Dax is plenty and I'm never getting pregnant again...hahah....a two kid day is pretty average ;-)
Nonni: I know you will help with our alone time on the boat! I can't wait for this trip. he's so fun right now. You are gunna just DIE when you see his little smiles lately!
Holli: thank you, good to hear because i feel like i fail the real experience with my words no matter how hard i try!
I'm also a new mother of a beautiful boy. And I'd like to just add a big fat "WHAT SHE SAID" to this whole article. Great stuff, thank you for sharing.
Beautiful post. I have a feeling that if I ever have children I will be coming back to these posts A LOT if only so that I don't feel so alone. And Darcy, you are not alone either! We all love and support you so much :)
lindsay: i'm headed to ur site now fellow baby boy maker ;-)
AND TRACY!!!! I just want you to know that I am ready for you to have babies. just in case you were wondering hahaha....i'm just sitting here waiting for you and ur super nice boyfriend to get hitched, seriously, just keep waiting for the post....sigh...i'm in love with love....now hop to it ;-)!
kidding.
kind of.
I found you on For the Love of Blogs! And I absolutly enjoy your blog! You're an awesome writter, and your blog is very inspirational! :)
Awesome post! i really like it while reading.thanks
I love when it's gray & rainy too.
Love your words.
xo,
Hb
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