Unsolicited Advice is Not Always Criticism, A Revision

I wrote a post about a week ago called Unsolicited Advice Sounds Like Criticism.

And then I got to thinking.

I think I was wrong.

Not ALL of it. But still, I feel the need to CLARIFY things.

I know this because a handful of my family, poor blokes, have now taken to preemptively apologizing to me before saying anything that mildly sounds like directives or advice or food-for-thought. Even a few blogger friends tongue-in-cheek said, "I hope I don't do that. If I do, I'm sorry." And just the fact that all these loved ones said this to me makes me want to punch myself in the face.

Mostly, I don't ever mean YOU, dear reader. YOU can do no wrong. Don't YOU stop saying whatever the hell you want to me. If I can't put on my big girl pants and slough off any advice that rubs me wrong, then I shouldn't be here. I want to hear what YOU have to say ALL THE TIME. I am pretty sure I can live off of blog comments alone, so whether I agree or disagree, your words are absolutely necessary to my emotional survival.

Secondly, I think (decent) moms & dads have a god-given right to boss you around until you die. They were in charge of making sure you brushed your teeth & did your homework & making sure you didn't turn into an asshole. It's pure habit that they continue to verbally vomit all their preferred ways to do things well into your golden age. Give them a break. They are the key reason you survived.

ANYWAY, after I wrote that post a week ago and then heard the feedback from loved ones, I just kept getting all challenged in my brain, and I started categorize things and analyze things and things got a little crazy and then I came up with this:

When Unsolicited Advice is Good and When it is Bad, Six Rules to Consider to Drive Proper Delivery: 

1)  GUIDANCE is often categorized as unsolicited advice, however it is NOT criticism. Sometimes (frequently) people NEED guidance. It is OK to provide guidance to friends and family members and of course, blogger friends. When people truly are struggling, they might need other people to say little nuggets of wonder that set them back on track. Humans need this from other humans. Crave it. Desire it for survival.

Parents are amazing at this delicate little dance. Whenever I'm off my kilter or too stressed out or obsessing about some bullshit thing, my mom might say, "Honey, take a breath. Are you doing your yoga? What about relaxing with a book and a bath? Center yourself." Is this unsolicited advice? Sure. However, I wouldn't say it's criticism. I would cry if I didn't hear these kind reminders from my mommy to 'go back into zen dear.'

2) GUIDANCE is most readily accepted from a person's immediate family or good friends i.e. people you really really like or admire. It IS possible to provide guidance to strangers, however, do so at your own risk. Have you ever met that casual acquaintance who thinks you should go do martial arts to get out your frustrations? Well, a family member would know you better: You f'ing hate karate.

What about that random party stranger who advises you to go to grad school? Um, yeah, thanks but no thanks, I'm done with school. Now stop wasting air. There are some strangers/coworkers/random people in the grocery store line that LOVE to guide the lives of others i.e. project their own desires unto strangers. Don't be that douche.

3) Random Product Recommendations are Probably Totally Cool. 
This is probably the most harmless form of unsolicited advice, and it certainly is not criticism. I knew I had to add this one when my sister said the other day on the phone, "Not trying to advise you or anything, but you might think about getting this bouncer for Dax." She obviously was worried I might confuse her unsolicited advice for criticism per reading my scathing blog. UGH. I felt so bad.

Imagine if we didn't hear what products other people dug or liked or loved or hated?! We couldn't function. There's too many products/books/shops/hotels/etc./etc./etc. out there and we must trust other humans to give us the heads-up! Who cares if their advice is unsolicited! To be honest, I might not purchase that bouncer for Dax (love ya sis ;-)), but guess what? I did take her recommendation on a glider and a bumbo and belly band and countless other things throughout our years. The fact is: No one really gets offended if you don't go out and buy that book they think is fantastic. But when these recommends DO strike chords? GREAT! If they don't, does anybody care? 

4) Constructive Criticism is Food for the Soul.
Sometimes criticism SHOULD be welcomed and taken positively--this is what's called constructive criticism. For example, the other day I was feeling a little weird and queasy about something blog-related, like what I write about or vote solicitation or something bloggy like that and Dave said, "Babe, you gotta get over that. You just gotta keep putting yourself out there and not worry about what other people think."

Was it unsolicited? Yes. Was it advice? Yes. Was it criticism? Perhaps. But it was CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. In fact, it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Be the human that can distinguish between constructive criticism and plain-old-mean criticism. Dump the mean stuff. THEN, set your ego aside and TAKE the constructive criticism and USE IT. Your life will change for the better, I promise you.

5) Sometimes people NEED/DESERVE criticism.
Is someone in your life abusing drugs, beating their wife, drinking & driving, letting their dogs bark all night long in their yard & upsetting the neighborhood, torturing animals, or in some other way doing something awful and selfish and dangerous that is hurting you or could potentially hurt others? Then I personally think it's totally acceptable to say things like: "Dear loved one: Drugs are sucking the life out of you and I'm worried." Or to the neighbor who's dogs are barking: "Shut those dogs up." Or to your friend, "Don't drink and drive you jerk."

I don't subscribe to the "Stay out of it" mentality when a person or loved one or random stranger is being awful. I hope to God that if I saw someone hit their kid in a Target aisle that I would have the nads to say, "HEY! Stop that, I'm calling security." Sometimes I think we ALL need to grow a pair. So in this case unsolicited advice IS criticism. Well-warranted, Absolutely Necessary, Criticism.

6) Unsolicited Advice Sounds Like Criticism When It IS Criticism. Now THIS is the advice that is criticism that sucks that I was talking about in my previous post. This is the advice that I do not like. That nobody likes. That we should all try NOT TO DO. Here goes....

Before the delivery of said advice, ask yourself, what are your motives? Sometimes when we deliver unsolicited advice, it truly is NOT in the spirit of help. If we are honest with ourselves, we truly are using the advice as a thinly veiled criticism. We truly think what the other person is doing is retarded, and we'd kinda like to let them know.

For example, "Why would you sleep with your baby in your bed? Put that baby in his crib!" THAT is not advice. THAT is a direct criticism. What they are doing is not wrong and they like it and they are not hurting anything or anybody. However, YOU think it's totally dumb and you would never ever do that oh my god and you can't believe they are doing it and you just don't understand. So the origin of your "advice" is not from a pure place. This never ends well, and almost always offends the person it's been directed at. They might retort with, "Why don't YOU sleep next to your baby!?" This vicious game of "I'm better than you" sucks. 

Whenever you feel the need to do this. Stop yourself. Remind yourself that there are many ways to do things. REMEMBER: I'm ok, you're ok. 

THE BOTTOM LINE IS: The Unsolicited Advice I don't like at all and wrote about in my previous post was the Unsolicited Advice I speak of in #2 and #6. So um yeah, don't do these. You can do the other four categories. Which means, according to my complex diagram of the goods and bads of unsolicited advice, only 1/3 of all unsolicited advice sucks. Keep that in mind. And this advice from me falls into category #2, so is therefore Totally Cool. 

What are YOUR thoughts?

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