I am so amazed at this whole parenting thing. I had no idea there was this underground debate going on with parents--there's this whole attachment parenting thing and these people are like WILD about their way. Which is really cool, because there are so many of these principles that I agree with, but what I don't understand is why it kinda feels like some advocates are yelling at everybody else.
And I totally get it, if they are yelling at the over-controlled crazies who want to schedule schedule baby from Day One, who want to let their poor babies cry into the wee hours of the night panicked in their cribs (makes my heart cry), don't want to cuddle their babies for fear of early spoilage, or in all other ways treat their new human family members like a nut to be cracked and/or a basic inconvenience to their orderly existence. I get that. Those people suck. Or on the most basic level, are uneducated.
But what I don't get is why some of these attachment parenting advocates seem to be somewhat wagging their fingers at others. Like their lifestyle choice defines them completely and kinda makes them feel better than others. The problem is that the AP lifestyle is somewhat subjective. It differs depending on the family. It's best described as a spectrum. You have your breastfeeding-till-age-fivers/co-sleeping/baby-wearing/cloth diapering mums on one side of the extreme and then you have the rest of us.
Perhaps I'm struggling to define myself. If someone asks me if I "attachment parent." I'd say yes and no. Do I co-sleep? No, but I'm not against it. I was 100% open to it. And then I realized after over a month that I got exactly two hours of sleep per night because I was a) so worried about hurting my baby and b) my baby wanted to comfort nurse ALL NIGHT LONG. Over and over again, I would be awake the next day and so exhausted that I would frequently start crying at the drop of a hat and my patience during the day was almost zero. We moved him into the bassinet in our room. Am I a bad parent whose putting my needs in front of Dax's? Absolutely not.
Do I breastfeed? Yes. He's been exclusively breastfed on demand since birth and I love it. But I'm not sure how I feel about letting my boy decide when to quit. I just don't see myself as one of those moms with a full-grown kid on her boob. Perhaps that's my selfishness, I don't know...I want my boobs back eventually. I want to give them back to my husband too. And it seems the longer you breastfeed in this society, the more ridicule you receive. and the more defensive you must become to maintain it, and thus the more judgement you must project unto others to protect it. That sounds exhausting to me.
Do I baby-wear? I like totally would if I had the right damn sling! He loves being held and I think it's awesome to tote him around that way, but we haven't found a cozy and safe one yet. We got the Ergo, which isn't really great for newborns, so then we just got this mei tei, which is basically like an Ergo but much easier to put on, but it's still a little big for Dax. I think both these will be great in a few months when he can put his legs through. We are also waiting on this sling type thing in the mail. There's so much info on these things and everyone has a different opinion and they all cost a fortune so you gotta do your research.
Do I cloth diaper? Um, I feel guilty about this one, because no, but I totally should. And I totally will, but it's taking longer than expected. I got this newborn diaper rental and I didn't like them, because they were way too bulky, but we already spent the money so I had to wait for Dax to grow up a bit. And now he's ready for them in size that he'll be in for awhile and I just need to order them. They are expensive so I'll be building up my stash slowly, but I'll get there.
What about the rest? I hold my boy often. I comfort him every time he cries. I nurse him when he wants to. He naps when he's tired. And I wash his hair in organic lavender shampoo :-).
I believe attachment parenting is kind of like a spectrum. Kind of like the sexuality spectrum. There's RuPaul on one side waving his gay flag, wearing pantyhose, and spouting blow job jokes. And then there's Anderson Cooper on the other side...he's gay, but your mom probably doesn't know it. I would say that in terms of attachment parenting I am the Anderson Cooper equivalent. I am. But I don't wear any slogan T-shirts. I shy away from defining it.
It is. And I am. Defining myself as a parent every day. What works for us as a family I will constantly re-assess daily. That to me IS attachment parenting.
11 comments:
I think it's so important to be open to whatever parenting style is best for baby and parent. I tend toward attachment parenting because it's what works for us and makes us happy, but just as I don't wish to be judged about my choices, I would never do so for anyone else. It's all about the open mind!
And it's funny- I am pretty crunchy and had a homebirth and everything but didn't cloth diaper! I did end up doing it but have since slacked off and Ivy is in disposables more often than not... no guilt! It's just what works for me. :)
Oh, and I bet you'll love the mei tai when baby is a wee bit bigger and has ok head control. It's my fave!
Steph
This is a wonderful post. I've been thinking about what type of parent I'll be. Still thinking...but I expect I'll be learning and molding as I go.
Great post. So true. I am half & half. I will not co-sleep. I did try it, but slept horribly. Now that Carsyn is almost 8 months and he is still waking up 2-4 times a night. I have been trying to let him cry a little to see if he will go back to sleep, but most of the time I nurse him and he goes right back to sleep. I do baby wear and cloth diaper some. If he cries during the day I pick him up, he actually will not let me put him down. ha ha. I have the boba and love it. When he was too young to stick his legs out I just tucked them in. I have several different carriers but the boba is my favorite.
I am glad you wrote this.
sarah: yeah, i like the IDEA of cosleeping, but the reality is not for me :-(
my boy doens't let me put him down either hhahah...
YES. Yes yes yes. YES. That's pretty much what I'm doing. I have a friend who's one of these attachment Nazis and I'm considering removing her from my Facebook because all she ever posts is about baby wearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding forever and she's really very militant and overzealous and I just can't stand any more of it every single day.
Have you tried a Baby Bjorn? They're very good, and I used it from the start. It also grows along. It gives a lot of support to your baby and is the easiest ever to put on.
http://www.babybjorn.com/products/baby-carriers/baby-carrier-active/active/
There's also a "comfort" one which you can use from three months to two years.
you should try a moby wrap! we tried a lot of different slings when henry was teeny and it's the only one that worked for us all. and just yesterday i noticed target is selling them now!
thanks everyone for your comments! I want to try EVERY SINGLE ONE! right now we have THREE tho! can you imagine? the mei tei, the ergo, and this pouch sling....i think they will work now that Dax is three months, but when i have the next baby I definitely want to find a better one for newborns.
Great post. I wouldn't label myself as AP, but we cosleep when needed (little guy has been scared of the dark lately) and I hold him as much as he'll let me! There is a spectrum, for sure!
This is such a great post. I do whatever whats works for us. We've been cosleeping until last week when the bed started to feel really crowded. Thank goodness by daughter didn't mind sleeping on her crib, the transition wasn't too bad.
It's not really fair for you to say that people suck if they want to schedule their babies or use the method of letting them cry-it-out so they learn to sleep through the night. I am a parent of 8 month old twins who are strictly breast fed and wanted to continue breast feeding every 2 hours throughout the night even when they were six months old. Sleep training our twins was the only way to teach them to self-soothe and sleep through the night so they could have longer REM cycles for their own health, not mine. You have the luxury of devoting all your love and attention to one baby right now and therefore doing whatever feels good and natural to you. When you have different circumstances, like having 2 babies at once, you don't have that luxury. I'm sure if my husband and I had one baby we would have been co-sleepers and I would have worn our 1 baby on me almost at all times. But we don't have 1 baby, we have 2 amazing, healthy, happy, growing, gorgeous, delightful twins! And therefore, we had to make adjustments accordingly, so before you say that some parents suck for doing things differently than you do, you should consider the fact that all good parenting is baby/situation specific. Sleep training wasn't an act of cruelty, it was an act of love, recommended by our amazing pediatrician so that the little loves of our life could get as much rest as they needed. If I were acting like a sucky mom I would have continued to get up in the middle of the night to breast feed my twins because that was one of my favorite quiet times with them. In order for our twins to have healthy and happy parents and in order for our twins to have everything they need, when they need it, they are on a schedule and they sleep 12 hours a night. That is thanks to "scheduling scheduling" and sleep training. Parents with one healthy baby have parenting choice luxuries that parents of healthy multiples do not have. It's in poor taste to say that parents who schedule or sleep train suck. Just be thankful that your beautiful baby boy is happy and healthy and that you have the luxury of giving him your undivided attention. From reading your blog, I know you are thankful and a very good mommy.
to anonymous: First off, I want to apologize. You are right on so many levels. It is so weird. The day after I wrote this post I actually went to go visit a friend who has a baby very close in age to mine and she mentioned how she has her baby on a feeding schedule. I thought to this post and thought about coming back here and changing my wording so that I didn't offend her. BUT I didn't because this blog is a reflection of me and where I am at that specific moment in time. But I realized a schedule wasn't all that bad for a newborn. I wouldn't have been able to keep the schedule she keeps though. My little guy would have cried/screamed/wailed or otherwise thrown a fit if I made him wait to eat. So you're right, parenting is very baby specific. I do write very aggressively and sometimes when I write things I don't quite mean them the harsh way that they come out. However, let me just say, I do think clock-watching and extreme scheduling for a NEWBORN is a little crazy. Even twins. BUT do I think that makes a bad mother or an unhappy baby? NO. Do I think scheduling for an infant is bad? Absolutely not! My little guy and I are working on that right now. He is four months old. I think over three months and you have to schedule to keep your sanity! So I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. If people want to schedule their wee ones under three months, by all means, go for it. Do I do that? No. But you're right, it IS in poor taste to say it like that. People who beat their kids SUCK. People who are looking for a little sanity DO NOT SUCK :-) I apologize.
Secondly, about the sleep training. Let me clarify. Again, I DO NOT think its ok to let newborn babies (under 3 months) for any extended length of time (over 10 minutes). Even Ferber, the guy who coined this cry-it-out method of sleep training agrees with that. Newborns need to know that their needs will be met. I did not exactly say this in my post, but I meant wee little babies, because when I wrote this, my baby was wee and that was what I was thinking of. When a baby gets a little older like when your babies were 6 months and you're still breastfeeding through the night? Do I think it's ok then? OF COURSE! Do what thou will. Do I think it's ok to let your baby cry for hours on end? No. But I bet your babies don't do that either! Love is the important ingredient and your babies are lucky to have such a loving mommy! I am sorry my words felt like a judgement! It sucks because this post was actually supposed to be about doing what's best for your own family and not judging, so I DEFINITELY didn't mean to offend :-)! The irony!
Anyway, i don't cosleep either and I do babywear but that's cuz my little guy likes to sleep there :-) Again, whatever works best.
I am so glad you have two beautiful babies, and I will definitely try not to use such hot language in my future parenting posts :-)!
Please feel free to post as your actual name and not anonymous because it's totally ok to call me out! I respect that ;-)
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