Dear Dax,
I love you. I love you more than you can possibly know. I've seen others have children and babies and my removal from all this made me think that maybe you would be all about diapers and late nights and sacrifices. I wasn't ready for THE JOY. I wasn't ready for that switch to be flipped...the one that would do ANYTHING for you. Jump in front of trains to protect you.
This is how I feel. How quickly you've weaved yourself into the fabric of my life, how effortlessly your cry fills the space and you are as normal as living now. You have turned my life upside down. You have changed everything, and yet sometimes, I'm surprised by how life continues the same too. You are the light in my eyes. You are the realized dream of Dave and I's future. How can I try to explain this more? I can't.
You were born on October 4th in the early early morning. You were 7 and 1/2 pounds. Labor surprised me. I suffered. I strained. I gave birth to you. I knew that was the end of pregnancy, but the empty space in my belly is weird now. Seeing you here. Now. Is a dream. A miracle. I have a lump in my throat.
Parenthood is elusive. I thought I would feel older. Like marriage made me feel. I don't though. I feel younger maybe. Slightly inadequate. But more confident than I ever thought I'd feel. I am confident that I know what you need. Confident as your mother that I'll be what you need me to be. That confidence has been a surprise. I am not scared. I feel chosen by you.
And Dave. The love we felt those first few days. An intensity that made me cry when we kissed. Seeing him rock our son to sleep has been my soul's great joy.
Thank you world. For blessing me. So profoundly. I drop to my knees in reverence of these gifts I've been given. As my family surrounds me now--the uncles and aunts and grandparents rally around our home to love you. What love. What love I feel now. Thank you world. Thank you.
Forever and ever and ever,
yours.
12 comments:
Perfection.
Oh wow, congratulations. I loved your writing, esp the part about knowing you are who and what he needs, the confidence. Beautiful, all of it. Sweetness defined. Blessings to you all.
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!
Yep. Now you know. The meaning of life. Doesn't it seem in some way as if that boy (that beautiful boy!) has always been here? And doesn't it seem like when he was born a part of your heart which, up to that point, had been completely unused and closed burst open and was so filled with love that you can hardly stand it?
Thanks for coming by my place and leaving a comment and I'll be back here to visit.
P.S. I especially love the part about how when you and your man kiss, you cry. I remember that. That romantic glory!
Congratulations!
What a perfect post. It made me cry. Having my newest 2 month old sleeping next to me, you said it all so well.
Yep. This post made me cry. Shoulda guessed as much...
Beautiful words, Darcy. Congratulations and I'm so happy that you feel so complete with your little son.
Thanks for good stuff
thank you everyone for your kind words. he is so darn precious!
I am doing research for my university thesis, thanks for your brilliant points, now I am acting on a sudden impulse.
- Kris
I'm gobsmacked! He's beautiful.
he's just perfect. so incredibly tiny and gorgeous and full of the whole wide world. I love him all the way from way over here.
sorry this comment is so late, I've been phone-reading again and am just now sitting down with some spare time at a real live computer.
I hope you are all well.
What a beautiful post! So sorry it took me so long to stop by and return the comment love, but congratulations =) Dax is absolutely adorable. I'll keep coming by!
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