I am so avoiding what I have to do right now. I need to be knee-deep in my closet, curled up on the floor, going through boxes I haven't gone through in a year. I need to look at every little picture and note in them and say, "oh how cute, i remember that." And then I need to re-pack it again. Box it up. Move it to the next place. And then, not look at it at all until the next time we move. These little sentiments are so important right?
Sometimes I imagine my children going through my memory boxes of poems and old love letters, little torn and faded envelopes of a past life lived. A life that they will never know of me. A me that they will never see. I imagine them being surprised, maybe even a little guilty for not knowing these little parts of a person they will come to know as mom, Mom, MOMMM!!!!
Then I think of my own mother and her lives she lived before us. Who was she really? I imagine her laughing, beautiful as ever, gliding across stages in her dance leotards. I imagine men loved her and I imagine she enjoyed their attention without effort, being adored came natural to her. But this is the mother I've imagined. In truth, I will never know her as the her before me. What dreams will my children conjure up?
Then, I imagine I've died abruptly and Dave has to sift through my old memories. I'm embarrassed with this. I start to throw away things that cheapen my love for him, like when I claimed to love others before him. What did I know of love then, before I married you my love? I burn these adolescent poems. I imagine as we gather up homes against the backdrop of our new family, with each move, I'll throw away more and more of these cheap little paper hearts. Leaving room only for my one true beating, breathing heart....You.
4 comments:
I too am going through all the places where the float-some & jetsam of memorabilia have either been carefully placed or haphazardly misplaced as I get the house ready for a move sometime in the hopefully near future. I have had the luxury of being in one place for over 20 years so the collections has grown. I also have vague daydreams of my girls having to go through everything much like your mother & I went through your grandmother's things to settle her estate. I found it odd that how did these things outlive her? Somehow there was a feeling that items she had used and owned should have just disappeared with her passing. Some of her things were used by her so long that just seeing them, remind me of her. Unfortunately, I got no answers of who she "really" was by searching through her personal items, but we did find one letter. A saved love letter our father had written her. This glimpse of some thing I had never witnessed between them made me happy that she had known love, since I was convinced that they never had. So yes Darcy, these little sentiments are so very important! Do not be embarrassed by your adolescent self and the declarations of previous loves. For if you had not had that practice love, you would not have been ready for your true love with Dave, it was a stage you needed to go through. Yet on a practical side, not everything needs to be saved either, there comes a time to let go! Have fun sifting.
Warmest thoughts,
V
awww.....your comment brought tears to my eyes, thinking of you guys going through grandma's things and your thoughtful thoughts of previous loves. thanks for that. perhaps I will not be so throw-away-happy with my old love poems ;-)
This was very touching and thought-provoking. I never do think too much about my mother's past life before me though she speaks of it often. It does sound wonderful from the way she describes it though.
first of all I love you! Second of all..you are not going to die all of a sudden so don't be getting thoughts like that :) we gotta work on our "legacy" so when our kids do sift through our stuff they are impressed! lol
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