Then I'll just write this: That I can't write more.
I don't know why my words feel like quicksand now. I don't feel like giving them up. I want to hold them close to my chest now, like a poker hand. I'm bluffing.
I feel like I can't tell you what I think now. I can't tell you how anxious I am. I can't tell you how simultaneously excited I am. I can't tell you how I feel.
So I don't.
I stand here like a mute.
Writing this makes me want to challenge myself to just Let. You. Know. I'll start with just one thing...
It's been almost one half year of trying to make life grow in my belly. And there's nothing. And I can hear half of my support system sigh right now and say, "Don't say that. Don't be negative. Don't. Don't. Don't." They don't want me to talk about it. Ever. In fact, they say if I do, I jinx myself. Just thinking about it, apparently jinxes me. "Just relax," they chide.
But I don't think me just wondering about a natural thing like reproduction makes me stop reproduction. I'd rather they tell me that no matter what I think about, 'it is' or 'it ain't.' Because that's what I think. And how can I not think about it?
I want to hear, "No worries dear Darc, everything'll be fine." Or, "hey, I heard pineapple is great for fertility." Or "it took me one year, but it finally happened for me!" When I hear, "If you worry too much, you'll never get pregnant," that makes me feel desperate and frustrated. Like not only am I unable to conceive thus far, it's also my own mind's fault, not just a fault of my body. Now I got TWO problems.
To the many who have said this, I just had to say this. I still love you.
I want you to know that I do believe. It WILL happen. I have no doubt. But in the meantime, can't I kind of fuss over it?
7 comments:
You can fuss. The other half gives you permission, the other half that knows that to bottle up fear or anxiety or to just well-wish it away doesn't actually make it go away.
Say it out loud. Say the worst things out loud, say your fears and your foes and your anxieties and then slay like them like tiny paper dragons.
Squishing a feeling down does not make it go away. It makes it stronger.
The only thing I know of that means you'll never get pregnant is if you never have sex. So you know, have sex, and if that doesn't work, hay... at least you got laid, right?
And I hope you can tell that I'm teasing.
Good luck!
lol, thanks guys! ur the best!
Not just because you said you wanted to hear it, but
it always takes me a LONG time, but it has always happened eventually.
Can you try and get away somewhere? It's holidays that do it for me. Holiday sex anyway.
The best of luck, Darcy - I believe it WILL happen for you - worry or not.
Thanks MWA! i think so too....
hmmmm....a vacation.....i could use that!
I love the raw honesty of this post. Of course you can fuss and should fuss.
How trying and scary and confusing. It's not a fault of your body or mind. Talking about it, fretting and worrying about it is so natural. Allow yourself all your feelings. This is tough stuff. Hang in there.
I remember too well how it felt to see babies and pregnant women all around me and know that month after month it still hadn't happened yet. It took us five years. But as I'm typing this my three beautiful, miracle children (twin boys concieved via IVF, a girl that proves the best things in life aren't always planned) are watching a tv show together in the next room.
It will happen. And venting helps. :)
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