Day 123 - I'm a Quitter

I faced it a long time ago. I quit things. Lots of things. I don't try hard enough to get there. I want the easy way. If it's not easy, I take the easiest way out of there.

I want rainbows and bunnies. I want a glass of good wine and a pretty sunset. Give me my boo and a good laugh. That might just be about it. I want my world like a Janis Joplin song. Summertime and the livin' is easy.

I don't 'power through.' And I certainly don't 'rise to the challenge.' I think sometimes it looks as if I do though. Because I certainly finish things. College, for example. I certainly honor my commitments to others. People might even say I've been successful. For example, I held a well-paying job in my field of study for years.

But the truth is, I've never attempted much outside of my comfort zone. The reason for this is, drum roll please...pure fear.

I tend to shy away from anything that might poke holes in my tender perception of myself as Completely Awesome. Therefore when the going gets rough, I jump ship. Better to quit than to fail. Especially at the things I really love.

And I've quit plenty things I've loved. For example, in tenth grade I got a B in art. For fear of lowering my grade point average, I didn't enroll in art classes for the remainder of high school. Even though it was my fave. My absolute fave.

My third semester in college, I quit political science as a major because "I cared too much."

I also like to quit at the first sign of my own mediocrity. I don't like to be kind-of good at something. I like to be The Best. If I can't be The Best, then I don't want none of it. No matter how much I may care for it, I prefer quitting. Cold turkey.

You can see the inherent problems with this mentality.

Now since college, as I've gained life consciousness, I've worked hard against this bad habit. I have done things I loved and followed them through to their inherent ends. Even if I wasn't The Best, I've done things that simply made my heart sing. I've certainly made progress...

But I'm three decades deep now. And I'm wondering if, before I gained consciousness of my quick perchance to quit things, did I fuck up the rest anyway? So now all my attempts at follow-through are just quaint self-help busywork, feeble attempts to awaken the promise of the yesteryears? There's been no gallery showings. No Oscar-winning screenplays. No rescuing villages from starvation in Third World countries.

Intellectually, I know, I can probably strive for all of these things. (And the lesser things in the same vein). But how? How do I get there? From Here?