The Last of the Toothless Grins

As my son is teething lately (ps yes sleep sucks), I got a little nostalgic today looking at his adorable little toothless smile.

His top two teeth are just seconds away from peeking through those gums, so I just had to snap this shot to remember THIS SMILE!

I would bet this is one of the last shots of this! Sigh, my little boy is growing up! NOOOO!!!!!

Baby Attitude

But Moooommmmmm.....

Get a Hold of Yourself

Sometimes I feel incredibly selfish, like I can only see my thoughts and no others. I think I need to volunteer more or go to church or meditate on the subject of gratitude, because I have it so good in this life. When ill thoughts creep against my brain, I want to tear my brain out. I want to punish myself for my mopey thoughts.

Sometimes I feel like such a lesser being than others. How do other people do it? When I feel all maxed out about my baby I think of two things: 1) I have a healthy baby who is living. Key words: healthy. living. How dare I feel sorry for myself when I don't get 'me' time? And 

2) I think about the Mormons who have like 8 kids and seem to love and care for them all and take them camping and read to them all while still feeling chirpy. God must love them more, because I get a little whiney with just my one kid. They must be God's BFF because they can have 8 kids and still have the stillness to be nice to people. Which them makes me think I should convert to Mormonism or atleast go to church because perhaps I'm being punished for not being Godly enough. 

Either of these thoughts work to simply make me feel bad about myself.  

Obviously that is not helpful. 

I looked at Dax today and tried to remember a time when there was no Dax, and I couldn't do it. He has filled my whole world. I love him so much it hurts, but lately I have to admit that I've felt like I'm never going to be alone again. 

Staying home with Dax is EXACTLY what I want to be doing, but sometimes I feel all chained up and sometimes resentful--like when I watch Dax all day and then I cook dinner and then after dinner I'm still cleaning up. It's 8:30 at night and I'm thinking 'why am I still in this f**king kitchen?' How did this happen TO ME? Then I see my thoughts and feel like an old bitter housewife and then I want to buck up for feeling like that--how ungrateful of me--my life is beautiful!

How do I create an inner attitude that is more continually joyful? 

I keep hearing that quote in my head about the true character of a person is not measured when things are going right, but the true character of a person is measured when things are difficult. I feel like I'm failing this test--my true character feels weak right now. Why does it feel like everything has to be perfect for the free spirit to fly? 

And then i could conceive again...

And as I sat here in the middle of my house, staring at my laughing, crawling, smiling, bubbly little baby--I could obsess. Obsess about

what next?

this might have meant that when I saw other little tiny babies that just got born into the world that I might have thought

i want another one

but none of this mattered because breastfeeding became nature's way of stopping all kinds of conception. It worked so well that we never used a single method of protection for all of ten months and

that's a fact

not to say that you should do this too. I just happen to possess a rather flippant way of dealing with serious things. YET you absolutely could do this too but I caution you to follow the hard and fast rules of this method (LAM) and I bet you it will work, but these are whole other things. the point is

i saw red

oodles of it and because I've been obsessing about making babies but being unable to do so, I started jumping all around the house and squealing about my newfound luck. But as the novelty wore off I got hit with the feeling that was very clear:

i'm not ready to have another baby yet

and so I told my hubs we had to go back to those precautionary ways, as of which haven't been in play for over two years.

and the beat goes on...

Home Is What I Say It Is

There's something about San Diego. Lately. I've been here two years. A little over two years. And this summer has rushed me like a swarm of joy. It reminds me of the importance of Place.

I've heard people say that if you want to run away, that the You that you were will follow you. You can't escape you. No amount of beautiful geography will erase that. You're You.

I get it. I get what they are getting at. And it makes sense. But that doesn't mean a person shouldn't Just Move.

I never wanted to leave a place because I was afraid of myself.

OK. Maybe that's a lie. When I was young, and a wee little rebel kitten in Fargo, I needed to leave me behind. That little girl was broken. Innocently so. But still. The move was symbolic and necessary. I needed to erase myself. OK. Parts of myself. Parts of myself that weren't actually My Self.

And it worked. Like a charm. My wanderlust fulfilled. For a bit. So even though people say 'Don't move if it's YOU that you don't like,' I kind of disagree. I think sometimes that's EXACTLY what you need to do.

Anyway...

The circumstances weren't as dire this time around. The moments weren't nearly as electric, as we contemplated a move from Phoenix to San Diego. It was more like a dull whine. An internal metronome that progressively got faster as the years past. I wanted to. Needed to. But for no specific reasons. Just Cuz. Was Just Cause. And so we left...

Home IS where the heart is. That's what I believe is really settling with me lately. This summer brings with it waves of content. I feel like I am home. This might seem like piddel-ee-dee to some, but I can't tell you how long I've yearned for that place of rest in my heart.

When I was young, I always wanted to leave. I knew from a very young age that Fargo couldn't keep me. Is there love for my place of youth? Of course. But is it home?  Naw...  And although Phoenix kept me stationary slash still for awhile, I knew it wasn't where my roots would grow.

So Here I Am. I guess that's all I'm saying. That it feels good. I can see our family growing here for years. I can see this landscape filling up our memories. That feels good to be where I want to be. Finally.

I'm also saying that there's some kind of weird internal compass inside of each person and sometimes when it wants to move, it simply wants to move, and it doesn't mean you're trying to run from anything. It simply is what is and no more. Sometimes it's ok to just go there. Because your heart said so. 

Downtown San Diego skyline viewed from Harbor Island

Babyproofing can be pretty

Dax in the big boy tub!

Letter to a Nine-Month-Old on His Birthday, Part Two

Ok, after we got back...We left to Arizona (i'm tired just typing all of this). You took your first long car ride (6 hours) with your Uncle Cole and I. You slept mostly. I think I stressed more than you.

We went to see your Aunt Stacy, Uncle Cleon, Nova, and the Phoenix family. You swam in your Nonni Mary and Grandpa's pool for the first time. Your Nonni bought you this super cool inflatable thingy that you put your legs in and you would just kick and kick and try to play with everybody.

Unfortunately this round, you pretty much wanted to hang out with your cousin Nova and she wasn't too interested in hanging out with you. You'd get all excited when she got near, but she's a pretty busy toddler and couldn't wait around, so you'd always just watch and wait for her to come back.

A couple of my old school friends stopped by too. Of course Beth was there, but you got to meet Brissa too. Brissa is my oldest friend from Phoenix, we met when I was 19--that's 13 years ago! Me & Beth & Brissa used to live together and work together in college. Now we're all growed up! Brissa has a baby now, Marina, who is 14 months old. You were kind of smitten by her.

Dax & Marina

I was so glad we got this photo below. I think we should photoshop Daddy in.

Beth and her husband Nic, Brissa and her husband Al, Brissa's stepdaughter Bella and her daughter Marina, me & Dax

My friend Kasey drove us back to San Diego and stayed with us a few days. She adores you and loves spending time with you. We took you to the beach in Del Mar, which is the closest beach to our house.

To top it off we went to your cousin Jack's birthday party up in San Clemente and then a fourth of July party down on Harbor Island with the Placidos the next day. Jack is a busy toddler too and you also loved him, but he's super busy and can't wait, just like Nova. We squished you two together just to get this one shot.

And then he was gone!

It's ok. You'll catch up buddy. Soon enough you'll be walking and be able to hang with the toddlers :-)!

We love you. Thanks for being such a 'go with the flow' kid. We have a lot of visitors here in San Diego in the summer and the ability to go with the flow is a skill I treasure in you.

Letter to a Nine-Month-Old on His Birthday, Part One

What didn't you do this month kid?!

First off, you're all sorts of global now. You had to get a little baby passport so that we could go on a cruise through the Southern Caribbean with the fams (ps baby passports are hilarious). We've been planning this since even before I had you in my belly, and it was amazing to see it come to fruition. Who went? Grandpa Gary, Nonni Mary, Aunt Age, Uncle Tony, Uncle Cole, your cousin Tatum, and your Daddy and me and you.

This is the whole crew in St. Maarten, a little half-Dutch half-French island in the Caribbean.

You were so amazing on the cruise. You were probably the youngest little dude on the entire ship of over 2,500 passengers, because they don't let anyone under 6 months on the cruise. And not many people are silly enough to take their little mini baby, 8 months old, on a Caribbean cruise, so there you were!  It worked out so well though because all of the workers on the ship just oohed and aahed over you. I think they miss their families because they are working on the ship for so long. Many of the workers knew your name and would visit you at our table.

I think men in other countries connect with babies more than in America because no one was embarrassed to play with you. One night when you didn't make it to dinner because you were napping, two of our waiters came up to us and said, "Where's Dax? I'm so sad he's not here, I was looking forward to it all day!" Another waiter said, "I really miss him, I hope he makes it tomorrow." And they were genuine. Of course, you loved all the attention--you are such a good-natured charmer and you just smile at everyone and try to grab their hands. Strangers are your favorite, so on a ship-full of them, you were in heaven.

Off the ship, you just went with the flow. If you were tired, you napped, where ever you happened to be.

in the car with Nonni

at the beach with Aunt Age

walking with Daddy

Daddy and I were so lucky to have babysitters on hand that we frequently snuck away!

playing Bingo

We were sad when the trip ended, but glad to get home. You were an ok traveler on the way back--from Puerto Rico to Philly you slept, but then we had our worst plane ride (of the dozen or so you've taken since birth) from Philly to San Diego. You were awake and fussy for about five and a half hours. Daddy and I kept trying to entertain you, but you definitely wanted off that plane! You didn't cry or anything, but it was hard to keep you relaxed. But pretty good for a full day of travel! We couldn't ask for a better baby, really.

You had some FIRSTS on the cruise:
1) first taste of bread (you are definitely in touch with your Midwestern roots because you LOVE it)
2) first taste of chicken
3) first dip in the ocean (what kid gets a first dip in Antigua for pete's sake!?)
4) first word is.....mamamamamamaMOMmammaMOMMMM!!

We love you so much! Good job buddy.

Dickenson Bay, Antigua

my Antiguan entourage (i.e. family)

the softest slowest water

my Dad

it's just a dream now

me & my boy

Puerto Rico in June

Dax sleeps when it's humid

Outside our window at Numero Uno Guesthouse, Ocean Park, Puerto Rico

The Boys (husband, son & brother) in the lobby of our fave San Juan hotel

To David

On the occasion of your first Father's Day...

I didn't think to write you something until this morning when I woke up late and realized it was late and heard you downstairs feeding pears to our son. I laid there and listened to your

fatherly sounds

the ones of love, the ones

I love

the way you love us.

It is Sunday, the day of rest, the day that summer

floats like a breeze through the screen;

I feel the comfort in the light comforter as I lay listening

to the sounds of our house.

I rise then to meet you at the table, full of eggs and peppers and coffee, and we laugh

in that morning light like a family.

you tell me you've been up for hours and my heart wells with gratitude and guilt

'it's father's day,' i say, mouth full,

'shouldn't I be taking care of you?' 

It feels grown-up and heavy to make my husband feel special

for being The Greatest Dad to Our Son.

But isn't it large? The enomormity

of our newly acquired holiday and what it represents?

It bears the weight of our responsibility

to This One Little Soul.

----

As the text and calls reach you today, I struggle

with how to express to you how

You SOAR

David

babe

boo

How can I express to you how impressed I am?

I've known you for so long.

I've loved you for so long.

I've trusted you for so long.

Those arms are my shelter, your chest is my calm center.

But I didn't know you at all

Until Now

Now I see the father you are,

THE MAN YOU ARE,

and I see the man I want Dax to be.

How could I have known what how big my heart could get?

How could I possibly have known?

In this life

We are Light 

so airy and full of space, spacious hearts--

holding each other lightly, tightly, brightly.

My love

My love

It is your day--A Father's Day--A Daddy's Day--

I want to thank you for everything you are. 

Dax and Daddy, Buddies from Day One

Letter to an Eight Month Old on His Birthday

You are such a cool kid Dax. When we flew up to Minnesota for your Aunt Stacy's baby shower, you made all the people in the airport smile. How many times did I hear, "What a good-natured kid. What a happy baby you have there." Or "He is just so cute."

The coolest thing was when we walked into the airplane, and everyone was already sitting down, and we were late (as usual). I noticed that as we shuffled down the aisle, everyone was looking up at us and smiling. I looked at you and you were just looking from person to person grinning and giggling. You started a Wave of Joy. I think you thought you were on the Red Carpet and everyone was there to see you. It was awesome to see just how much joy you can bring to not just me, but a whole plane!

at Nana's in Minnesota--look at that smile!

You were so great with your Nana and Aunt Stacy and Cousin Nova. Nova was all. over. you. And you loved it. You saw so many people while you were there: Your Great Aunt Vicki and your cousins (first, once removed :-)): Erica and Rachel (they adored you). You love people so much that you are such a joy to have around in crowds. The more people, the better. You rarely fuss unless you are super hungry or tired.

watching cartoons with your cousin Nova

 Preggo Aunt Stacy with cousins, Dax and Nova

When we got back from our trip, we retired the car seat for good for sleeping. We went through a couple rough weeks after that, but you're finally done with it. One of the biggest reasons you adjusted so well is because now, after months of barely doing it EVER, you are finally using your 'rolling over' skill. So right before you nod off to sleep completely, you turn over on your side, making yourself much more comfortable. You are just like your mama, little man--I can't sleep on my back either.

This month was definitely the month of lots of visitors--the next weekend your Grandpa Gary visited. He helped while I recovered from an awful cold. And the next weekend after that was your Great Aunt Gloria from New Orleans. She, of course, adored you.

She brought you a new shirt, she fed you, and she even rocked you and sang you to sleep so I could catch up on some shut-eye. We also took you for a long walk on the beach in Del Mar. You fell asleep, but that means you liked it.

You are changing so rapidly now. Especially in the curiosity department. We are definitely due for baby proofing. I feel like I have to keep my eye on you every second because you move so fast and you want to touch and open and topple everything. In your walker, you scoot around like a Nascar driver, and you constantly take the entire garbage can down, open the top, and then stick your hand in there. In SECONDS. In the backyard the other day, you were in your walker and I turned away for A SECOND and you shoved a rose petal in your mouth. Yuck.


You are up to three meals a day now. You love butternut squash and pomegranate pear. I serve you oatmeal now with banana and you could eat mountains of it. You love sweet potato too, preferably warm and right out of the oven, scooped out of the shell. You are so-so on zucchini or carrots, and you still almost throw up when I feed you peas. Your Daddy is so pleased.

Your toys bore you. Although anything musical is sure to spark your eyes. You prefer mostly random things strewn about the house. It's as if you know exactly what is NOT a toy.

You are also the loudest little kid EVER. Everyone says "I've never seen a baby babble and talk and scream and coo so loud." Literally, you make noises and scream in delight and you are always grunting with glee. You also think it's hilarious to play peekaboo.

I love every stage of you sweetie. I wish I could save little duplicate copies of Every You That Ever Was.

A Comparison of 'Eco-friendly' Disposable Diapers

Eco-friendly disposable? Isn't that an oxymoron? Yup--it kind of is. However, I also must admit that since my boy started solids, his doo-doo has been the consistency of peanut butter and takes spatulas to clean off my adorable stash of cloth diapers. This not-so-fun cleaning dilemna has sent me grabbing for the ease of Pampers more times than this green mama would like to admit.

Until those baby poos form into more manageable solids that can be shaken off into the toilet, the reality is: I'm sometimes going to use disposables. In addition, I'm still working out some kinks in my diaper stash and washing routine, so a disposable option oft-times comes in handy (not to mention during travel and overnights). 

But I despise the state of the mainstream diaper of today. It is rife with chemicals: chlorine, dioxin, volatile organic compounds, petroleum, perfumes. All of these toxins so close to my little boy's baby parts makes me ill. I'm not going to get into why each of these is not so great for the little babies' bums (read more here), but just asking the question: 'Are they REALLY necessary?' The answer is a resounding No. You can have a perfectly usable diaper that contains messes and absorbs phenomenally without all the added potentially harmful gunk on your baby's junk.

The bottom line is: disposable is not an eco-friendly way to go, however, non-toxic IS more eco-friendly. So I believe that the reality is, sometimes you need the convenience of disposable diapers and let's face it: not everyone is going to take the plunge into cloth diapering. So it is important to mitigate the risks and impact on the environment where one can.

I tried four 'eco-friendly' diapers myself and here's the scoop on the poop:

1) Seventh Generation Free & Clear: These are chlorine, latex, petroleum, and dioxin free. The process used to make them is more sensitive to the environment. However, they do use a dye to give their diapers their signature light brown color.

They emit almost no smell from the diaper. It is disgusting to compare it to the Enormous Whiff Of Gross I get from regular Pampers or Huggies.

While the construction of these seemed kind of extra-plasticy on the top, they were no worse than most of the leading brands. Using these diapers on Dax, I found them to be trim and perform very well with no leaks or messes. I truly like them and they are easier than some of the other 'eco' brands to obtain locally. I've seen them at Sprouts and Whole Foods. Online, you can easily find deals.

Pros: The most affordable of less toxic diapers, with a price per diaper on par with the leading brands. Also, easier to obtain locally. If economy is a major factor, then buying this diaper is a no-brainer because it cuts out potentially harmful toxins (and that gross diaper smell) without losing function or adding bulk or adding cost. A great cost-effective alternative to the major brands.

Cons: Suspect that the diapers are the least eco-helpful in their manufacturing process of the bunch.

2). Tushies: They contain none of the yucky chemicals and toxins rife in 'mainstream' dipes. They are made from the 'woodpulp fluff from renewable sustainable family-owned forests.' What makes Tushies different is that they have NO Super Absorbant Gel (SAP). This SAP gel is used in most diapers because of its major absorbency power.

The problem is: SAP was removed from tampons back in the 80's due to its contribution to Toxic Shock Syndrome. However, the arguments for the safety of SAP are that, used EXTERNALLY, it has not proven to have any problems whatsoever. Tushies argument for their gel-free diapers is, 'why risk it?'

However, one must mitigate that with the fact that these diapers are the bulkiest of group. I like clothes a lot and especially love the little baby boy clothes I put on my guy, so I am constantly in search for trim trim trim, with my cloth diapers, and I certainly want trimness with disposables. Also, because they are made with cotton wood pulp and no SAP, you do have to change them more often.

However, putting them on was easy enough, they are a hearty, well-constructed diaper. We experienced no messes or leaks. They are super soft and emit only a nice pleasant smell of natural cotton. However, the tabs don't stick as well as I'd like.

Pros: No gel. Great for super sensitive babies whose little bums will stand for nothing synthetic. If you don't mind a little added bulk, this is an amazing diaper. Also great for the mama who absolutely can not cloth diaper (no wash machine), but who can't stand the thought of SAP. Available online and at most local health food stores.

Cons: Bulky. Need to change more often. Tabs are not very sticky. My least favorite of my trials.

3) Nature Babycare: I'll admit it. This was my favorite (and my husbands). Made from cornstarch, these diapers did not have an oily feel that the others did (no plastic too!). They were also more breathable because of those natural materials. (Which I like because there was a study showing male fertility could be affected by regular diapers because they hold in a lot of heat). They emitted no smell. Plus, I thought they were the best constructed of all three--very trim and clean-lined and fit very well on Dax. In addition, I liked the little graphics on the diapers--it made them look more sophisticated perhaps than other dipes.

They contain none of the offending chemicals we've discussed. They also are more biodegradable than the others listed. I also LOVE how open they are on their website.

Pros: Trim & absorbant. Nice construction. Best non-smell of all tested. Dry feel. Use very little SAP. Great look to them.

Cons: More expensive than 7th generation (although not as expensive as Tushies). Purchase online mostly (look for coupons and free shipping!)

4).  Bambo Nature: I was very excited to try out this diaper because their website truly is amazing in terms of what they do during their manufacturing to take care of their environment. They make non-toxic diapers with sustainability in mind!
       The diaper functions very well--we had no blowouts while using these diapers. They are constructed well and are soft. They also have a wet feature that the lettering starts to run when they are wet--however, I don't really see the point of this--it's pretty easy IMO to see when babe's got a soggy diaper.          
     All in all, I would say these diapers are probably the most eco-friendly of the bunch in terms of their product and the manufacturing (they plant more trees than fell). However, their price per diaper is pretty darn high--almost 45 cents per diaper, and that's IF you find a 10 percent off coupon. I did like them, but didn't see their effectiveness to be worth the extra cost compared to 7th Generation or Nature Babycare, who's price per diaper is much less. In addition, their little graphics on the diaper I didn't like as much. I liked the more modern look of 7th Generation and Nature Babycare.
Pros: Cute & soft & effective. Great non-toxic diaper for babies made with sustainability in mind.
Cons: Expensive diaper. Not convinced it's worth the extra cost. Available in very select retailers.

5:) Other Brands
      Broody Chick: These are said to be 100% compostable AND 100% natural and hypoallergenic, made from renewable resources. No gel either! I've never tried the diaper, but the reviews seem decent. From what I read, one needs to check with their city--municipal composting facility--to see if they would allow; also, remove tabs. Although they are compostable, the makers note that they can be composted at home only if the correct 'temperature, aeration, and moisture levels' are maintained. So they recommend a municipal setting. Pro: This is an excellent, actually eco-friendly option for those people whose cities will do this. In fact, even if you don't compost it, it is still another great gel-free option. Cons: Cost per diaper is high (the highest of those listed here).
      Huggies Pure & Natural: False advertising! They use organic cotton PARTLY on the OUTSIDE of the diaper (what a waste of organic cotton) and the same old bleached crap on the inside. They are also more expensive than ALMOST ALL of the diapers I've mentioned here! Pros: No smell, and um, latex free? However, still better than the regular Pampers and Huggies. Cons: See above.
      Earth's Best: I don't know about these, haven't tried them, but meaning to. However, I've read mixed reviews on these diapers.

My RANKINGS, in review (based on value, cost, function, ease, & look)
1) Nature Babycare
2) 7th Generation
3) Bambo Nature
4) Tushies

This is Why It's Worth It

A Morning Smile

Night Weaning, A Critical Mass

We wake.

nightafternightafternightafter

My eyes drag crescent-shaped shadows

beneath them--

the dark smudged proof that

I have an infant child.

We are So Sick of It.

In a way I never thought we would be--

rising to meet his cries

hourafterhourafterhour

Last night,

I got scared when

neither of us wanted to comfort him--

You curled fetal on the floor;

My body and breast felt resent as

I nursed him anyway.

I whined into the dark to your dark shadow on the floor,

"I don't want to act emotionally, I don't want to make decisions

out of exhaustion. It feels too cold."

We discussed again

letting him cry.

I fear the intangible. I fear his personality

hinges on our exceptional attentiveness thus far.

I fear ruining him. Scaring him. Scarring him.

I don't want to act without Sureness.

Do I want to let him wail it out? I don't know. (But not really.) But

What I do know is

I'm ready to stop nursing in the middle of the night

Like so sick of it I want to cry because I haven't had a good night sleep since October 4, 2010.

What I don't know is

How to get there.

Insert suggestions here.

We. Can't. Keep. On. Like. This.