My Head Can't Fit Through the Door

It's too big! The ego boosts from this weekend have inflated it! Firstlies, I got my first blog award EVER! Yup. Carissa at the lovely dove awarded me this:


I have to admit, as a fairly newbie blogger myself, i go to all these sites and see the awards wallpapering the sidelines and wondering, "hmmm....woes me, when will little ol' me get an award?" But alas, I wait no more!

Then, of course, reality sinks in. I kind of have homework now. Terms: To accept, you post with the award and link. Then, you link to approximately 15 new blogs you've found and enjoyed. Last, you notify your lovely blog buddies. Riding on my blog award high, I'm gunna be diligent and just get to it...

Note: I'm really going to take that "approximately" to heart and go with 7 tags. Because I'm kind of a slacker (and I truly don't know if I could genuinely list 15 new blogs i've found).

1. I'm going to just re-tag Carissa at the lovely dove because she is a newer blog I found that I really do enjoy. She's got the cutest colorful blog. Lots of great fashion and photos. She loves Etsy stuff, so she's posts all sorts of eye candy. Also: her giveaways are bomb.

2. Phoenix at Res ipsa loquitor. Because she's honest and open and she just seems like someone who if I met her in three-dimensional life, she'd be a great friend with exceptional conversation skills.

3. Steph(anie) at Unsweet Mama. She posts great music and also sometimes when she's feeling it, she writes real raw true thoughts. I dig that.

4. Bethany at Bloom. She's probably the newest newest I've discovered bumbling about the blogosphere. And she's delightful. She writes about gardening in a refreshingly quirky way. Case in point: her last blog was titled "hairy balls" but was really about some kind of plant. She is also artsy and writes about her life thoughtfully.

5. Lena from Bits on the Nippy Side. Because she's so feisty! And she swears. I tend to like swear words in blogs.

6. Laura from Piece of Cake. Such a beautiful blog! The pictures are divine, the words are poetry, and to top it off, she makes the best looking cakes EVER.

7. Perhaps you guys have some suggestions of other new blogs I might dig. Tell me your FAVE! Five of my faves that I've been reading for awhile are in my blog's righthand panel. Check them out, I really really really like them! (I realize this isn't really a tag).

O.k., donesies. To all the ones I've tagged, feel free to follow in my slacker footsteps and do five. That way, I kind of look like an overachiever, because, look at you, you only did five.
SOOOOO.....in other "can't fit my head through the door" news, I sold two paintings on Etsy this weekend!!! omg omg omg omg omg omg....

I posted three paintings a few weeks ago in my new Etsy shop. I didn't tell you. I know. I was afraid. And I'm still afraid to tell you, because now, I only have one painting there and it's not my fave fave. So I'm going to put more up and then I'm going to link it. Eventually. I promise.

I've never sold my art, only given it away. I've never taken it seriously, just kind of did it for fun. But per my New Year's resolutions and part of my blog's very purpose, I put myself out there. And WHAM! sold sold sold! Two pieces!!! Turned my world upside-down, so excited!

I better get to painting! Perhaps my life-long dream of manning my very own booth at an art fair will come true :-)

Cat Tales

So Dave and I have this cat, little Diego. He's about 1 1/2 years old. We also have a cat named Trick Daddy. He's about seven, short-haired, and black. But this isn't about him. This is about Diego.

We found Diego in the back of Ocean Palms Hotel in Carlsbad, CA in September 2008. In fact, he woke us up. On the last day of our vacation. There we were, snoozing to the sounds of the ocean breeze, when his high-pitched screams cut through our laissez-faire dreams. For atleast a half-hour, we let him whimper and whine outside our window. We put pillows over our heads, willing it to go away.

Dave and I are both kind of suckers for cats. Me, because I'm a bleeding heart wet blanket. Dave, because of that too, but probably more so because he grew up on a makeshift farm, where his mother and father raised horses, sheep, cows, chickens, and the like. Dave, born of this creature-friendly stock, is genetically predisposed.

He especially likes cats, maybe more so than any other animal. I love this about him. Lots of guys like dogs better. I love that Dave doesn't. He prefers cats. Not that he hates dogs. That would be weird. I don't hate dogs. Neither does he.

You should always be wary of anybody who hates cats OR dogs. But ladies, be especially wary of the boy who hates cats. NEVER date a guy who hates cats.

Here's a list of proverbs from around the world:

"A house without a dog or cat is the house of a scoundrel." --Portugal
"Beware of people who dislike cats." -- Ireland
"The man who loves cats will love his wife." -- Russia

Or, how bout some famous people who HATED cats?
Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, & Napolean Bonaparte

Got it? Good.

Soooooo, finally, Dave and I creek out of bed to investigate what all the ruckus is about. Behind the bushes, we find our little scraggly buddy, a ball of black fur, wandering around in the mud with about three of his siblings. The tykes are no bigger than my palm. Their eyes are barely opened. They're perhaps three weeks old.

We manage to follow one wobbly wee one to a dark vent underneath the hotel. Peering out from the wet darkness is mama cat, a skinny black beggar cat that we fed hamburger scraps to the other day! Mama cat, distressed by our presence, eventually ventures out of her soggy cave, grabs each kitten by the neck and totes them home.

The problem is: she leaves one out in the wild. She abandons our screaming wake-up call, who is still cying like the world is ending. Our hearts break as he wobbles aimlessly in the mud, searching for home. We leave for awhile, hoping mama will save him when we're gone. She doesn't.

When we return, we find our miniature fur ball even further from home. We are desperate. Sadly though, I didn't think we could take this one home (even though I wanted to). Dave is allergic, and it took tears and humidifiers to convince him to let me keep our first stray. Plus, we've had our other cat, Trick, for six years. He's not typically described as "nice." While deeply devoted to us, he doesn't take well to strangers. Cats included.

Luckily, something in Dave snapped. He marched back into the hotel room and grabbed a small towel. He went behind the bushes and arose with the little guy clutched in his towel. He shoved him into my arms and said, "Let's go."

Shocked (and elated), I said, "Are we going to keep him?" And he said gruffly, "Well, I'm not going to just leave him here to die." And that was that.

On the car ride back to our then-home in Phoenix, we picked up kitty formula and learned how to bottle-feed. The kitty slept in my hand. Convinced it was a girl, we named her "Maybe."

At the vet, our veteranarian reveals to us that our little short-haired girl cat is actually a long-haired boy cat. And health-wise, a fungus is eating his foot. Also, his entire tiny body is infested with fleas.

While the anti-fungals save his foot, he's too young to treat with regular flea meds. So, after three rounds of Dawn dish soap and hours of dutifully picking stubborn fleas off his back one by one, he's finally clean.

Dave was frequently in charge of bottle-feeding him and wiping his ass, as I was working long hours at the time. Now, a full 18 months later, his allergies seem o.k., and they have a special bond.

Diego is quite the charmer. I can't imagine him living on the street; he would of never made it. He loves people more than any other cat I've met. Are you a complete stranger? Great, you're his friend.

His stray cat, homeless ancestry makes him completely mannerless though. He eats like a loud hog. He drinks from the toilet. He digs in the garbage. He'll eat watermelon straight off your plate.

Him and Trick have grown, much to our surprise, to be kinda sorta friends. I even caught Trick bathing him recently.

Bottom line is: we love Diego and can't imagine life without the little buggar.

(This long story was originally intended to tell you how we had Diego professionally groomed the other day. Have you ever shaved and bathed a cat? It was a really funny story, I promise. But alas, I'm whooped. For now, just know, he's trimmed and handsome :-).

Deep thought: Sometimes our plans get all muddled up in between the beginning and the end.)

Rain Away

The sky is crying crying
Hard.

I know what she is thinking...
that the world needs a wash;
that she mimics the way Haiti wails--
when blue air collided with cracked earth,
she saw the people sucked in
and protested
Hard.

I let the wind
throw the blinds into the living room air.
I let it speak,
I let it whine.
I don't want music. Not now.

I am so safe and to tell you the truth
I'm guilty; I feel guilty, warm and happy.
Stupid, I know.

Tonight, we gather ourselves in our coats
and feel the rain soak through our shoes.
Our car wheels sound like little wet cymbals
as we glide
over the reflections, the streaked yellow globes of light
on the black cement.

When we arrive, we shake off the chill and sit down.
You crack me a beer so we can whisper at each other
inside this dark blue bar,
legs draped over your lap.

It's all so far away--
the rumbling
at the window.

I'm so safe
who's not safe
we're not safe
At all.

If I Can't Write More...

Then I'll just write this: That I can't write more.

I don't know why my words feel like quicksand now. I don't feel like giving them up. I want to hold them close to my chest now, like a poker hand. I'm bluffing.

I feel like I can't tell you what I think now. I can't tell you how anxious I am. I can't tell you how simultaneously excited I am. I can't tell you how I feel.

So I don't.

I stand here like a mute.

Writing this makes me want to challenge myself to just Let. You. Know. I'll start with just one thing...

It's been almost one half year of trying to make life grow in my belly. And there's nothing. And I can hear half of my support system sigh right now and say, "Don't say that. Don't be negative. Don't. Don't. Don't." They don't want me to talk about it. Ever. In fact, they say if I do, I jinx myself. Just thinking about it, apparently jinxes me. "Just relax," they chide.

But I don't think me just wondering about a natural thing like reproduction makes me stop reproduction. I'd rather they tell me that no matter what I think about, 'it is' or 'it ain't.' Because that's what I think. And how can I not think about it?

I want to hear, "No worries dear Darc, everything'll be fine." Or, "hey, I heard pineapple is great for fertility." Or "it took me one year, but it finally happened for me!" When I hear, "If you worry too much, you'll never get pregnant," that makes me feel desperate and frustrated. Like not only am I unable to conceive thus far, it's also my own mind's fault, not just a fault of my body. Now I got TWO problems.

To the many who have said this, I just had to say this. I still love you.

I want you to know that I do believe. It WILL happen. I have no doubt. But in the meantime, can't I kind of fuss over it?

Ten Things i ask for zis New Year...

O New Year...you ancient thing...

these are my dreams for you...

1) smoke-free, one whole year (progress thus far? check.)

2) new home that IS a home. all this beige in my apt. bugs me out. i miss our green carpet in az.

3) paintings and photos and drawings that spill out into the digital atmosphere and gather money.

4) writing enough. writing more. writing to live. out loud.

5) a little being in my belly that grows and then coups my heart. my life. my little baby born.

6) i want this new volunteer opportunity with foster children to spill over the brim and make me break down, make me re-grow. again. get bigger. big. larger. large. gather the whole wide world in its arms.

7) minimize the distance between my family and i.

8) eat food like i'm taking medicine. it's meh vitamins. it's life. Stop fucking around.

9) Start making money that doesn't depend on The Man.

10) read and believe that i will do all of these things...