Last Post

So this is it. My last post on 365. I made the decision immediately after my last post. I finally knew this blog had reached its conclusion. I wanted to formally say It Is So.

This blog started out very personal for me. I began it in 2009, just one month after moving to San Diego. Two months after our wedding. Childless & a fresh 30 years old. It was meant to be a creative outlet for me to write and work on my words. And It Was.

It was cathartic to put my inner scenes out there & get a flurry of comments. I have made friends on here. Other blogging cyber friends who I will continue to read. I also became closer to friends and family who shared that they enjoyed hearing some of the more intimate thoughts that swirl around the brain.

However as time progressed, I became acutely aware of the shortfalls of this medium for my purposes. I  oftentimes wanted to share openly my most sensitive thoughts because that is what writing has always been for me. A way to work through my biggest feelings and Get Over It. Yet, I've learned that the cyber world is no place for such psychiatry.  With an audience of your friends & family, one can't help but edit the emotions, which therefore takes away their power to provide personal enlightenment. I will be taking those particular troubles back to the safety of my journal, where I am now convinced they belong.

At another time I thought a blog would be an excellent platform for the sharing of opinions. Heaven knows I have a lot of them, most of them strong. Yet again, I found myself conscious of my audience. Many of which I knew firsthand disagreed with my arguments, ideas, or sometimes, took my posts as personal criticisms. I am ashamed of this, but at times I did use this blog as way to passively aggressively address those closest to me whom I disagreed with. After posting any of these, I almost always felt unease, or worse yet, pride. So gradually I came to realize that this blog was no place for that either. I care far more about the relationships in my life than I do about Being Right.

And so I have come to realize that one of the best uses of this blog for me has been using pretty words to describe things that have happened in my life, devoid of agenda. I love the feedback and the writing itself is always fun for me.

However, since becoming a mother, even this action itself has fallen short for me. I have felt torn between my own love of creative storytelling & my need to chronicle this little life for our children. Thus far, I have attempted a healthy marriage of the two, however, I feel that in doing so, I do justice to neither.

So I have decided to focus on just one. I think for me going forward, a great way to blog is simply to use it as a way to save the memories of our family. Pictures and places, mostly whats and whens. I want my next blog to be dedicated to the story of my family. I will use it as a virtual baby book, as many moms do. It will refrain mostly from idea-spouting and waxing poetic as I truly want it to be a place to update my friends and family as the goings ons. And I want it to be a gift to my children & my future self, an opportunity to recall the memories of the moments.

I am hoping this new angle will provide me more freedom to post more often. & also freedom to share with the people I care about. I am finding facebook lately to be a weak place to add content as to this end, so I am hoping this blog will fill that gap. Tomorrow will be my first post and I hope to see you (my seven friends who still even check this dusty old blog :-)) there @ Keeping Up With the Kaushagens. I promise you it will get prettier as I build it.

Thanks for reading. It's truly been a pleasure.

dedicated to the nobody who wasn't listening,
Darcy

And then there was Drew...

Why is it always November I feel compelled to write? The words have come back, sifting into my moments again, their poetry lulling me back to the page. I thought I abandoned you, blog. Left you cold. But now I have nowhere to put these sentences but here. So here I am.

Two months ago I had another baby. Baby Number Two. Baby Drew. It took months to find his name inside of me. I kept asking him, asking him to tell me. I didn't want a D name. I always thought it was perhaps part lazy/part tacky to name your children with the same letter. I swore I would never. But that was his name. He swore it to me up and down. Whispering always. Every other name felt like a croak in my throat.

And so his name is Drew and I am madly madly in love with him.

Dave said the greatest thing the other day, that he didn't know how to explain it, but he swore that Drew had a good heart. Perhaps you can see it in his little baby smile, he crunches up and his whole body squeeeeesssss.

It's true what they say about second babies: you just don't worry like the first one. I am relishing every single moment of his little babyness. It goes so fast. I know people say that and it's really annoying and I'm not saying that like 'fucking look or you're going to miss something'! I'm saying that like 'i'm desperately trying to remember every tiny thing so I don't forget every tiny thing about you, even though I know better.'

I birthed Drew like a fucking warrior. All natural. Me & him & god. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced. Absolutely mind-blowing. If I have another, I wouldn't have it any other way. To feel every part of that was humbling and empowering and I'm unbelievably proud.

I want another baby. I haven't told Dave this. I'm pretty sure he won't read this, especially when I forget to tell him that I picked up my blog again atleast until this post is buried. I knew right after having Drew. No question. This family needs One More. He would freak if he knew how absolutely my bones know this.

November in San Diego is so dark. I love to see the ocean in the fall, when she is left to her own cold, heavy heaving. When the summer has flitted away, the lightness of the tourists lifted. At night she labors like a sheet of lead rolling up and down the beach. I am thankful that I feel like sharing that.

Letter to a 17 Month Old - from Daddy

What's up buddy? It's been a while since I wrote you. Your Mom is much better at getting these done than I am. So this was your 17th month of life. You and I have a pretty special thing going on, thats for sure. We still have a pretty normal routine everyday which you seem to enjoy. In the morning around 7:00-7:30AM I'll hear you calling for me or Mom from your crib. You haven't figured your way out of the crib yet but we are worried that day is coming very soon since you seem to have this knack for climbing. Not sure where you got that from...maybe from your famous Grandma Deb who climbed Mt. McKinley (Denali) and many other world famous mountains? Nah, that can't be it. Your Mom and Dad are used to be pretty athletic so we'll go ahead and take credit for that.

Once I get you out of your crib we usually hang out up stairs for 10-15 minutes so you I can get my bearings. You seem to always be ready to just dive into your day. When I first pull you out of your crib you always point towards the door and say "Momma." So we'll go peek in on Momma sleeping and trying to pry her eyes open while incubating your little sibling that is growing in her belly. You like to steal some of Mom's saltine crackers that she keeps near by for when she gets super hungery in the middle of the night. Since your Mom was a major source of food for so long and you aren't able to say the word "food" yet, you say "Momma" when you want some sort of food item. I am still trying to teach you the word "food" but you must be still trying to figure it out. In due time. You also are usually very thirsty in the morning so I give you your sippy cup and you guzzle it down at a rapid pace. When you are done drinking you are out of breath and say "ahhhhh," like it was the first drink you'd had after a long journey through the Sahara Desert.

Once you've been hydrated and got your hugs and kisses from Mom I'll usually take you down stairs for some breakfast. You're still a huge fan of breakfast sausage which I almost always make you. After that its an experiment for me. Sometimes you'll eat a bagel and cream cheese, toast and butter, eggs...but lately eggs haven't made the cut...cereal bars (which we don't like since we try and avoid as much processed foods as possible), bacon, canadian bacon, and of course I can't go wrong with just about any type of fruit (bananas, grapes, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, apples, blackberries, plums). You also enjoy a nice morning juice. I only fill your cup with half juice and half water so you don't get too much sugar and also so you get hydrated properly. You like orange juice, apple juice and lately we've been throwing in some berry juices made by "Naked Juice," which you seem to enjoy. Sometimes your uncle Cole makes some of his famous juice recepies using his juicer and you LOVE the juice he makes. As I am making you breakfast I usually turn on some Pandora music and we listen to some tunes. Sometimes its some downbeat electronica stations or classical. You seem to really like music with a good beat. You'll be in your high chair nodding your head to the beat and smiling. That always makes me laugh.

When you're done with your breakfast you stand up in your high chair and politely "ask" to be removed. I'll snag you and wash up your hands and face to remove the leftovers. Then I'll usually get your clothes on for the day and we'll often throw your shoes on and head out to the back yard where you love to play in our gardening pots....well, they used to be for gardening but now they are your "sand box."

You'll play in the back yard for at least an hour sometimes two. I'll usually hang out there and sip on coffee and play with you. Diego will often join you in the back yard and when he tries to escape you always start yelling at him saying "No! Noooo!" because you don't want him leaving the back yard and jumping in the neighbor's yard...well that's what Mom and Dad want anyway so you help us stay after him.

Once you get tired I or Mom will put you down for a nap. You've been sleeping at least 2 hours and sometimes 3 hours depending on how much energy I got out of you in the morning.

When I hear you stirring around 3pm I'll go up and grab you and Mom and I will try to figure out what type of adventure we should take you on in the afternoon. I hadn't been to one of your favorite places called "My Kid's Club House" in Poway so I got to take you there one afternoon and we had a blast! You loved playing in the ball pit with me and Mom.

After that we toured the vast tunnels and mazes this places has. It's pretty amazing. I wish I had a place like this when I was a kid! It's fun for me as a 32 year old so it must be out of this world for a kid. They also had a bunch of toys to play with and you seem to be drawn towards musical instruments. You like the drums and piano so far. I think mostly because you can bang on both of them, but they are also two of my favorite instruments so perhaps its in your blood.

You also had a lot of fun at the toy cash register and trying to get money from me. It's good to learn the art of sales early buddy. Show no fear and provide a good service and you'll do very well. I mean, who wouldn't want to buy something from this good lookin' guy?!

Believe it or not, you eventually get bored of playing with all the toys and equipment. Since the days are getting longer we'll try to get outside before we go home. Sometimes we'll take you to the beach. You love the sand! The water is pretty cold so after you get wet the first time you typically try to run from the waves when they come at you.

You're typically getting hungry by 6:00pm so we'll get you home and start making a nice dinner for you. You have been loving pasta with red sauce lately. Like your father and mother you are also a pretty huge fan of pizza which makes total sense. We avoid giving you any fruit or juice after 5:00pm to try and avoid any extra energy boost. You have sooooo much energy and just go go go that we have to try and slow you down if we're going to have a chance at getting you to bed on time. While we make dinner for you we usually let you watch your one tv show per day which is "Curious George." You looooove Curious George. You like to point at the tv and say "Geo!" You can't quite say George yet but it's pretty close.

After dinner I take you upstairs for your bath routine and naked time running around up stairs. You love books so you'll pick out your favorite one's and bring them to me to read. You love books with sound effects. You like the airplane book and I'll make airplane or jet sound effects which you repeat and actually do a good job. You know the different sounds between a prop plane and a jet plane. You also like to read books on trucks. Animal books are still a favorite as well and you can now make almost every sound for every animal.

After reading time I'll usually turn the lights out around 8:30pm and I'll try rocking you to sleep or carrying you while you rest your head on my shoulder. You like me to sing Jingle Bells to you while you are trying to go to sleep. It's been your favorite song for a long time now. Sometimes you don't like being held and just want to stretch out in your crib but don't want me to leave. So, I'll just lay down next to your crib and keep singing or humming Jingle Bells. You like knowing I am still in the room next to you. The funny thing is that a lot of times I'll fall asleep on the floor next to you and won't wake up until 11:00pm or even later. I think most times I fall asleep before you do.

You're such a precious little boy and I can't imagine life without you. The amount of love and joy you have for me and Mom is so flawless and genuine. It's something that is so hard to describe and only hope you feel the same in return from me because all I want to do is give you the best life possible. I love you so much Dax. I'll cherrish every day I have with you!

- Love Dad (Dave)

Letter to a 16 month old

I'm not sure why I'm dragging on this particular post--sorry it's so late buddy. But honey, you've been so darn busy. Frankly, I'm exhausted. The minutes I get to myself--I want to simply stare at the wall. That sounds crazy when ya type it, but truly, it's a survival thing. You run like the wind kid.

Not only the running, but now it's THE CLIMBING. You are reaching new heights. You've figured out that you can drag things up to taller things, and use your pieces as step stools. This makes everything in the whole house dangerous. All the countertops are fair game now, and you even grab at the pictures on the wall. It is the most frustrating thing in the entire world totally developmentally appropriate.

You love to get into absolutely everything. You can turn doorknobs and climb on beds and scale walls. You drag everything from somewhere and leave it everywhere. You topple furniture for fun. You empty drawers for amusement. You love to climb from chairs unto super dangerous glass kitchen tables that reside on the super dangerous hard tile. You open bottom drawers and use them as climbing apparati to crawl on countertops. When we bolt latches on the bottom drawers in question, you went ahead in your frustration and ripped the front of one of the drawers off when you couldn't open it. I can't turn my head away for even seconds before you knee-deep in some form of destruction. You are a complete terrorist joy.

Some of the climbing you do is, frankly, impressive. You can climb the three-shelved changing table now like a ladder. You step and then you step and then you hold on the top level, balance with your arms, and then cantalever unto the top! I'm so impressed I let you have your fun up there. Although I sold that darn thing just today because mommy simply can't stand looking at another thing that could break your little baby body.



While you've said 'yeah' for awhile, your new word is 'no.' And you like to tell it to the cat all the time. You must get that from Daddy because everyone knows I never tell that cat 'no.' You also say 'ball' and 'night-night' and you seriously understand almost everything we are saying. You listen to me pretty good too. When you stand on chairs, I tell you to 'sit on your butt' and you do!

You only nurse twice a day now--in the morning and at your nap. Your Daddy puts you to sleep these days. You seem to be taking it well. In the next couple weeks we'll drop that morning one and see how you do. It's crazy as we get close to the end of nursing, I feel as if I'm experiencing a loss. I love that quiet time with you and you seem to take such comfort in it too, especially now as you are in Super Crazy Omg Please Stop Moving Toddler Mode. However, I feel ready--I think it is time. I think you will be ok as well, but perhaps I'll have to wear you in the Ergo more often for awhile so we get our cuddle time.

Your Nonnie & Grandpa had a visit here at the beginning of the month, and you of course, love all that attention. They got to hang out with you & read to you & walk with you, which you always love.

this is your 'i need a nap' face

You had a cold all month, but we are so thankful it wasn't the bad one that it almost was a blessing to know that you could get sick without needing a breathing treatment. I am praying that those bronchiolitis bouts were just flukes and not a recurring thing.

You and I go on playdates all the time with a few of my neighbor friends & of course the mom's group. You are so social, you love to hang out with all the kids. We got to visit your cousin Jack and new baby Kate this month in San Clemente--you always have fun over there. Your Uncle Cole watches you for us too, and you love him so much. You get all giggly and giddy whenever he hangs out with us, so some of your favorite time is when he watches you. He, in true Uncle form, taught you how to spin around in circles until you get so dizzy you fall down--you think the game is the Most Fun Ever.

You can throw almost any ball straight and far. You now are kicking the ball too. You love books and make us read one after another after another. We let you watch one episode of Curious George a day, which you love more than life itself--you sit on the couch like an old man and sip your sippy and munch on crackers with nary a peep the whole show. Intellectual pursuits are not your bag--if you can't get the shape in the shape sorter on the first try, instead of trying to figure it out, you angrily smash the blocks on floor repeatedly and then whip the block at the wall before you run off in another direction.

You love to be thrown and twirled and you love to tackle. You do like super hugs now where you hug really tight and pat my back as you hug. You are getting better with petting Diego in a gentle way. You hold hands now and are communicating what you want and need all the time. You make car sounds and plane sounds, as if, as a boy, you came programmed with them.

You're a charming kid with twinkly eyes and a great spirit and an easy smile. We love you so much--more and more each minute. Sometimes I wonder how my heart can get ANY bigger at all, and then there you are with that toothy happy grin--and it stretches every time. You should see your Daddy when he looks at you too--his eyes get so soft and happy--you two definitely have such a cool bond. I love you little guy--Happy 16 months!

The Land of Sand & Fog

We are wading through the sunlight in Del Mar, California. It is a typical Wednesday. But I am tired, feeling a little broken. Dave suggests we drive here, for a change. The beach stretches it's beige & powdery paint just 15 mins from the house.

After parking, we clip towards the panorama. You can feel that languid, cool vibe of streets stuck together with sidewalk stores--the kind that frequent towns butted up next to the ocean. I'm feeling glad we came here. Even if we're quiet.

We reach the green & then the cliffs &
there's the ocean.

Tears get caught up in the throat for no other reason other than
it's beautiful & i needed to see this.

We stand in the pink muted part of the scene as the sun fades down. Everyone is standing still & watching as the fog rolls its grey damp mass over the ocean.

When it finally envelops us--we close the eyes and feel the earth move.

In a silent powerful instance, the fog erases the sun & turns the scene damp and grey. The heart counts its blessings. Thank you god for the big, beautiful things that reminds us to get out of our own brains.

I set Dax free and he runs & runs, facefirst into the giant soggy landscape.  The mist cooling his teeth, stretched into a full joyous smile.

Letter to a 15-month-old

You seem so much less like a baby as of late and more and more like a little boy. This thrills us and saddens us at the same time. I already can't remember you as a little newborn and that was not that long ago!

You understand so much. I feel like you get almost everything I am saying these days, which definitely means the boundary testing, on your part, has begun. You know when I don't want you to do something, and you get a little glint in your eye, and most of the time, you do it anyway. This means mommy and daddy need to brush up on our 'how to get toddlers to listen' info.

You try to talk now and that's fun. You say a bunch of babbly stuff and look at us like you are making perfect sense, even though you have made none. You try so hard to tell us stuff with increasing fervor and daddy and I just have to laugh because your attempts at conversation are so endearing. I have a feeling you'll be a pretty chatty toddler.

You say 'uh-oh' right before you find or grab off-limits things such as cellphone or glasses of water. You also so 'whattttt?' and 'wowww'. You have also started obnoxiously yelling 'MAAAAA!!!' which kind of reminds me of Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers, trying to get the attention of his mother in the other room to cart in some meatloaf.

You are so super physical. The other day you climbed into a drawer, balanced on a ball inside the drawer while simultaneously holding onto the oven door and reaching for the fridge. Any onlooker probably would have freaked a bit, but I see you do the most dangerous things kid.

You now go to playcare at my gym on a regular basis, and the woman who is there all the time said she couldn't keep you off the older kid's playground equipment. She showed me how you climbed up the big kid's stuff and then as you headed for the slide she started to stop you. I told her you were fine, and she was like 'No! he'll go down that big slide by himself?!' And I said, 'Oh yes, just watch." And of course, you smartly turned around backwards and there you went, all by yourself, squealing the whole way down the big kid slide. She said  "He's fearless!" And I would have to agree.

you're so independent. you would run that whole field without looking back

Unfortunately though, everyone still notices how you still take a bunch of tumbles though. People say, "I've never seen a kid fall so much!" And this is true, you biff it all the time. But I know that the only reason you do is because YOUR WILL is beyond what YOUR BODY is yet able to do. So you kind of go full force on everything, but you still got these short little toddler legs with developing muscles that haven't quite caught up with your desires, so unfortunately this ends up with your head hitting almost everything all the time. Your glee overrides your caution every time.

You went all the way to Alaska this month to visit your Grandma Deb & Grandpa Dan & Uncle Dalton on their farm in Anchorage. You had such a blast! They have animals everywhere, and you were beyond thrilled. They had a newly hatched little chick in the entryway and atleast 20 times per day you went to check on it--you peered through the little kennel and pointed and said 'ooohhaa!' or 'ddaaa' (these are your universal words for 'things that are pretty cool').

Grandma Deb took you out every day! She strapped you to her back in your puffy snowsuit and big fur hat and off you went to help her feed the horses & chickens & goats & sheep & cows & dogs! You loved it, especially the goats and the chickens. It was freezing and snowing, but you didn't mind, you loved your trips out into the yard. Daddy took you out too and even you & I went for a long walk, but mostly, you were Grandma's little helper.

outside with Grandma Deb, a chilly 10 degrees!

the sheep

your fave, the goats

 the chickens

petting Angel & Precious, the retired sled dogs

out for a walk with Daddy

Inside the house you became BFF with Zeus, the house doberman, better known as 'the nicest dog ever.' You loved to give him your breakfast and you found the dog biscuits and gave him like 20 per day.  I'm sure Zeus is missing your friendship immensely.

You were good to the cats & pretty interested in the parrot that visited one day too. You pretty much ran the place for the week we were there, and it took three days for you to be normal Dax again--you missed it so much. We missed it too as your Daddy and I got lots of breaks with all those babysitters around (it also didn't hurt that your Uncle Dalton showered us with homemade delicious pizzas everyday). I wish so much that more close relatives lived in town here--I feel like you would benefit greatly from all of those extra hugs in your life. I wish I knew how to reconcile that for you (us).

a parrot?!

hanging out with Elizabeth, your first cousin once removed :-)

a Christmas book from Grandma

saying goodbye  at the Anchorage airport,

This month has been huge for you on the sleep front. As I've already raved, you've been sleeping through the night for a couple months now. But this month, we were able to put you in your crib while you were awake! WHAT?! This is unheard of. Prior to this month, if we put you down even a smidge before you happily fell asleep in our arms or in my lap while nursing, you would stand up and scream and cry so hard. Now, it seems as if you prefer it! We get you really sleepy and then when you're almost there, we lay you down and then AND THEN you grab your blanket, turn on your side, and VOILA, Just. Like. That.

I've always laughed when people would advise 'put your baby down when they are sleepy but awake'! Ha ha ha, yeah right! You would never allow that. Until NOW! It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. We've never really done any sleep training whatsoever (despite everyone's assurances that if we didn't you'd never learn how to sleep EVER), so the fact that you've naturally evolved into this is pretty awesome to us. Of course, you won't let us leave the room yet if you're still awake and in your crib, which means we frequently snooze next to your crib until you pass out, but hey, baby steps right?!

You had your second Christmas this year and still have no idea what's going on, but you got lots of books, toys, and clothes. Me and your daddy and your uncle cole took you on a Holiday Hayride at the Del Mar Fairgrounds to look at the cool Christmas lights. We also took you to see Santa at Old Poway Park, although we didn't get any pics with you and Santa because the darn line was too long. We figured you'd forgive us.

at Old Poway Park, awaiting Santa's arrival

You love to look out the window. You make piles of blankets and dive bomb on them. You play with cars and planes and even make the "vrooooom" sounds. You point at the sky when you hear a plane. You love to play your little instruments and when a good song shows up on Pandora you stop what you're doing to dance. 

We love you so much Dax. I know these letters are so long, but we forget so quickly--this helps me remember every you that ever was!

2012: Forwards and Reflections, Three Lists

HAPPY NEW YEAR! While 2010 was The Year of Dax, 2011 definitely was a Year of Transition. Becoming a mother to Dax turned my world upside down. While I birthed him in 2010, it was 2011 that truly challenged & changed my core being. I learned that most of what I missed doing pre-child (staying up late, watching TV series marathons, going out with friends spontaneously, leisurely travel) were a thing of the past. And I learned to accept that.

I learned what it meant to be responsible for another human being, I felt the weight of that become part of Who I Am. I learned how to find time with my husband, the love of my life, and I learned that my love for him only gets deeper and stronger with each shared experience.

I learned to trust my instincts and forget the rest. He is my child and mostly, I gotta go with my gut. I learned that with that comes a certain amount of assertiveness I'm not used to. I learned that I gotta get more hard-headed about what's right for Dax according to ME (and Dave of course!). I also learned that every other mother in the world has the same damn right. Give her that same respect. At the same time, I learned to be open to ideas, because sometimes I simply just do not know the answer.

Without further ado, the lists....

Ten Highlights 2011:

1. Probably the biggest was our cruise with our family to the Southern Caribbean with our then 8 month old. What an incredible & beautiful experience to share with my loved ones. We saw Puerto Rico, Antigua, St. Lucia, St. Maarten, Barbados, St. Croix i.e. some of the most gorgeous place on earth. A highlight of my life.

2. My third niece, Pria Ann, being born on August 12. I am so thankful that she is healthy and am constantly amazed by how big the heart can get to fit in all these new little beings in our lives!

3. I joined a well-organized and tight-knit stay-at-home mom's meetup.com group that always has lots of fun and different stuff on the calendar. The playdates I've attended and moms I have met have helped smooth the transition from mehood to mommyhood. I anticipate building some long-term friendships with some of these lovely girls.

4. My cousin Josh got married in September, so we traveled to Fargo to attend the wedding. It was so cool to see all of my cousins and our little ones play together. I also got to see my grandma & lots of my aunts and uncles I haven't seen for awhile. It was an awesome celebration. (Bonus: I hear my cousin and his new wife are pregnant now!!!)

5. Taking a road trip up to Thief River Falls, Minnesota where Dave's dad and extended family live & farm on their family's homestead. I love that my mom went with us to share that time with us too. We got to see Dave's grandma & lots of his aunts & uncles (and introduce them to Dax!). They threw an impromptu bday party for Dax and showered him with clothes and toys.

6. The weekend of Dax's first birthday party and baptism. Everyone from Minnesota & Alaska & Arizona came and our house was filled with celebration & love. I also loved his absolutely beautiful & precious baptism in our backyard, facilitated by the same man who married Dave & I, who flew in from AZ.

7. Another year of countless visitors! You name it--family & friends--it never ended! Two of my Bff's from AZ, Kasey & Beth, visited me twice this year. Dave's friends visited & the Blue family visited. Dave's dad & brother & mom. My dad & stepmom & siblings. My mom & sis & three nieces--Nova, Pria, and Tatum. Extended family visited too. San Diego sure doesn't lack in people who want to come here (although Dax prolly helps too :-)).

8. Five trips to see family. Two trips to MN (one in May for sister's baby shower & another for Pria's birth in September). Two trips to AZ (one in March for friend's wedding & another in June for Father's Day). One trip to Alaska at Christmastime (I LOVED spending time at the farm up there with Dave's family and watching Dax have such a ball was so much fun--he LOVED all the animals!)

9. Finding balance. Thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law, we were able to interview and hire a sitter for a once-a-month date night. We found the perfect person for our family and have been enjoying a night on the town! I also joined a gym near our house that I can walk to that has playcare and even drop-off times in case I need to run some errands. Also, my brother is now watching Dax once a month during the day so we can have some free time. I anticipate this will all just keep getting better and better, although I still wish with all my might that we had a grandma or aunt around that we could get some more relief.

10. Watching Dax reach major milestones has been such a huge joy this year. Rolling over. Sitting up. Walking. SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT. And now starting to try to talk! It has been so cool to see him grow & change from an infant into a toddler--what a miracle life is.

Reflections:
Here's is my list from last year, in review....

1) That Dave moves closer to his actual profession. His happiness is so important to me & our family & our future. Yes! Dave, in all his free time (omg how did he do it?!), studied for and got his California Real Estate License. We are one-step closer to him getting back into the profession he loves! 

2) That I find some way, some how, to build some income for myself. Um, yeah right, unless you count selling used cloth diapers on diaperswappers or old baby stuff on craigslist, then I'm pretty much unable to earn a single dime. Will modify for next year.

3) That I start something altruistic that will change the world. or my community. Yea, no. I quit the only volunteer thing I was doing. WTF? 

4) Make exercise a part of my daily life. for health. for life. Absolutely. I walk all the time with Dax. He loves to go outside and so do I. I have only hit a few yoga classes this year, but with new gym membership, I'm thinking this will change.

5) Continue working on healthy food living. Cook more. Eat more locally grown. Consume less crap. Food is life.  Because carting around a baby is hard to do & sucks away the budget, I eat at home almost 95% of the time and prolly ate better this year than I have any other year of my life. We also are almost exclusively getting our fruits & veggies from the local farmer's market, so that Dax and us stay pretty seasonal and local. 

6) Change the way we buy. Try to buy & eat from small businesses. Buy more used.  Use $$$ to create world I want to live in.  No Doubt! I get most baby stuff used. I am trying to shop less at big chain groceries and instead buy at places like Trader Joe's (which I know is everywhere, but I love them and they rock and I never want them to leave). I am trying to check the desire to purchase new things and only assess need, not want. I still have a ways to go on this goal, but feel like I've made significant progress this year. 

7) Get a handle on sleep. Dax has turned our world upside-down and sleep is very, very elusive. I believe it's possible to regain some of it with a healthy dose of education and consistency. YES!!! Dax starting sleeping through the night at the ripe old age of 13 months. 

8) Balance. Keep relationship with Dave lovely by making time for each other sans baby. Find group of SAHMs with young kids so I don't feel trapped at home i.e. make mom friends! For sure! Well, Dave and I still need a lot more time for each other, but we've made gains by finding a sitter and utilizing my bro. Also did join a group of SAHMs and am making mom friends galore! 

9) Friendships. Build some friendships here in San Diego. Try to be more in touch with the good friends that I do have.  I would say I'm iffy on this one. While I have the seeds of friendships here in San Diego, we still haven't really taken roots yet. I truly believe that now that Dax is a little more self-sufficient, that some of the potential friendships will grow deeper this year. It takes awhile to grow a true friendship! In terms of staying in touch with friends I do have in other states? Um, so-so. I call and see when I can and send cards, but prolly could call more. 

10) Think progress, not perfection. Major fail. I am a bit too hard on myself. 


Forwards: my dreams, hopes, & goals for 2012


1). That we sell my old pick-up truck and buy a car! We need another four-door car so Dave doesn't have to haul my little purple truck down to Spring Valley every day! 
2) That Dave moves ever closer to his career goals: building on his client list and sales so he can finally make the cut from his current job. 
3) That I finish a 365-page draft of my first novel. That's a page a day--I can do that i can do it i can do it. 
4) That I grow & birth another healthy child--that's right, we're ready folks! 
5)  Continue making healthy lifestyle choices by increasing my vegetable intake (and Dax's!), trying new healthy recipes, going to yoga more, & trying to meditate more. 
6) That I grow more in my spiritual life, either by finding a place to improve relationship with God or by simply praying more or finding a way to maintain the focus on a more consistent basis.
7) Read more! Whereas last year I clocked in prolly like five books :-(, I intend this year to read at least 20! 
8) Waste less time. Cut out as much bullshit as possible. Biggest time wasters? Reality TV (confession: Beverly Hills Housewives and the Kardashians anyone?!) and mindless internet browsing. 
9) Find more personal time & time with Dave. I feel desperate for both of these. We've made some gains, but far from enough to make the soul feel quite right. 
10) Continue to build on my current relationships here and away. Go see my cousin James & his wife Kristen more in San Clemente (ps another highlight of 2011 is they had a healthy baby girl!). Spend time building new friendships here from my mom's group. Get a sitter & go out to dinner with our other friends more. Call out-of-state friends and family more. 
11) That we get through this next year of toddlerdom with joyful hearts :-).


HAPPY 2012 family, friends, and blogging friends! 

there's something happening here.

We took a plane over a week ago, dashed headlong into Alaska. Got swallowed by its darkness, packed with snow and ice and wind and cold. The family whirled around us, cooking pancakes and pizzas. Little Dax wore fur, strapped to backs, tucked in a snowsuit and giant fur hat, his little red cheeks rounded and pushed up against his eyes.

I am thankful his grandma & uncle & grandpa want take him outside, walk him to meet the horses & the goats & the sheep & the cows. I am thankful for his interest in them and his slow approach. I am thankful for the walk we took, just my son and I, when the day light shone. We watched the light grey trees (those bare giants) against the bright white sky. We listened to the crunch of the snowboots, the rustle of puffy polyester leg against puffy polyester leg. After a mile or so, you fell asleep. The quiet of your face with the quiet of that snowy tree-lined road. That's the moment that Life Is.

I worry about us, as a people. On the plane, they now hand out these digital players that come with music & movies & the like. The girl next to me, who taps her foot while fussing with her phone seems relieved to receive her player. She orders a movie and after 32 minutes, decides against it. She quickly orders another. She zips between the movie and something on her phone for the next two hours. When the credits roll, she anxiously plays solitaire. And I'm not trying to pick on this girl--the whole planes' faces are bathed in the white artificial light of screens. People mindlessly wormholing into digital mazes.

Can't we Just Sit There anymore? What, I wonder, is this doing to our brains? Our interactions? Our relationships? Everything is so quick & fantastic & bright & big & frantic & violent. It seems so addictive & impulsive & gross, this behavior of ours.

It's getting worse too. Why must there be a television EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE?!  At the gym now, they are attached to the cardio machines. The users look like wired mice. I wonder if they are even getting a workout, since their minds are so far removed from their bodies? Doesn't anybody want to feel anything anymore?

I took Dax to zpizza the other day, a treat (for me really). We sat there eating, when I noticed him gazing off in the distance. I followed his eyes to a television in the corner. I felt so sad then. First off, he's one years old. One. Years. Old. Which, according to the AAP, children shouldn't be watching any television until they're two. (Mind you, I have been known to throw a little Curious George on when trying to cook dinner, but at least the viewing and content is under my control as a parent). How would I be able to avoid television & its seemingly unchecked content if I tried? Televisions are in airports & malls & cars & restaurants & every other damn place you can think of now because apparently we can't even stand to speak to each other anymore.

I am not immune, especially to the internet. I am amazed sometimes at how some hours can go by in browsing time and nothing accomplished, not a stitch closer to my dreams & goals. How dare I say, 'there's not enough time?' How much of itdo we buzz away? And after I am off the internet, how do I feel? Anxious. Tired. A little Frantic. It certainly doesn't relax me. It doesn't refresh me (although writing does).

But sometimes I simply crave a mindless crawl through fave websites. I am familiar with this thinking/feeling/needing from an old ex-addiction to cigarettes--I would THINK a couple cigs would relax me, but truly, every puff would make me more anxious, more needy, wanting more. Is there enjoyment? Yes, of course, trust me I loved my cigs, but long-term happiness? Heck no.

 I saw a girl on the swing the other day, looking at her phone and texting. She was missing it. The whole part of swinging where your mind gets all freed up & you can feel your body & your smile and the wind whooshing between your teeth. These are the moments that regenerate the brain. The ones that help us think deep & clear. Without them, what kind of citizens will we be?

It makes me scared & sad & mad for Dax. I don't see kids playing on the street here (a nice safe suburban neighborhood, easily walkable).I don't want him to miss out on all the beautiful things that surround us, calm us. My whole childhood was about the woods and the sky and the lakes and the rivers--I found solace there, freedom, repose. Where will he find his peace of mind? The backdrop of his memories? A google search?

I am afraid for him to grow up with peers whose attention spans are .02 miliseconds. How much can a parent really do? I can field damage control, of course, but in a world like ours where it seems so many people are accepting this new life of ours and not asking questions. Where the business owners are tacking televisions in every corner. Where every new car comes equipped with a television, so kids don't even stare out windows anymore. They just listen to the soundbites, get all jumbled up by The Noise.

How can I tell my son: There's another way, 
When the whole world seems to be telling him otherwise?

Letter to a 14 month old

You got a wicked sense of humor kid. It's very very weird to see my sense of humor on a little being. It's not always as cute as I think it is ;-)! For example, you boink people on the head with any old object and then clap & laugh like a maniac. Your Daddy kind of looks accusingly at me when you do this.

When you find something that you are not supposed to be handling i.e. my phone or unattended dangerous objects, I start towards you and say in a stern voice, "Daaax...". You immediately get this bright glint of joyous mischief in your eye, squeal loudly, and then sprint with fervor in the other direction, little fingers clutched tight around your forbidden treasure. I can't help but grin at your antics.

However, when I reach you and manage to pry whatever breakable/expensive/beloved thing you've managed to acquire with your grippy little hand, you SCREAM at the top of your lungs and throw your back into an arch. This, my little love, is an exceptionally dramatic way to express your displeasure & I ignore you completely & two seconds later you're fine, toddling and giggling at some other random thing.

You are all boy & love to climb & get into things. Here's a short action sequence spanning 37 seconds in real time.

You've got this totally annoying & messy super fun new hobby of taking everything and throwing it over the stairs. You also love to drag things from mine & daddy's room to your room and vice versa. So the house is all mixed up all the time. I'm finding your books or toys in fun places, like our bedroom drawers. And colorful little drums & rattles in the pots & pans drawer in the kitchen. All of this makes me feel hopelessly messy completely amused. It also makes me want to donate everything we own to Goodwill.

You are officially officially on one nap a day! I feel like some kind of mecca of parenthood has been reached. What a relief to only worry about one nap a day! We can get going in the morning, come back for your ONE NAP OMG, and then go out in the afternoon if we want! You are also still SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!!! Sleeping. Through. The. Night.

You did stop sleeping through the night for a few weeks because you got sick again on November 19th. That same super sick that you did on Halloween where we had to count your breaths and give you breathing treatments. Honey, you were in a bad shape. It tore my heart out, and makes me worry so hard that I want to tear my hair out.

Your Daddy was calm though and reassured me that we didn't need to take you to the hospital. We just did what we did last time with the nebulizer and you slept on either me or daddy for about 24 hours. By the morning on the second day you were back to good, breaths slow & steady, but it took you the rest of the month to beat the junky lungs.

After your sickness passed, to get you back to sleeping through the night, it simply took two or three nights of Daddy going to you when you called & holding you or humming to you until you fell asleep. You kept pointing to our room, but Daddy stayed strong. Daddy didn't get much sleep those couple of nights & you weren't particularly excited about it, but you were never alone and now you sleep great. I am so relieved (huge understatement) that you've seemed to reached a new milestone!

Grandpa Gary came to visit this month. We took you on a nice long walk around Lake Poway. The fresh air and the ducks put you right to sleep--it was nice to have you sleep in the sling again! He also took you to the park with your Uncle Cole where I hear he yelled at some older kids who were trampling over you at the park. I was pretty pleased with his grandfatherly-protectiveness :-).

For Thanksgiving, my friend Kasey came to visit who had you thoroughly mesmerized by her iphone (you are your father's son). We cooked a big fat (and very very lackluster) meal (when will we ever get it right?!). The highlight of which was Uncle Cole's 'Holiday Sangria,' which you can taste in just a few short decades.

Kasey, Uncle Cole & Daddy in front our weak-ass attempt at a grown-up meal (I promise you that by the time you care, I'll learn how to cook an amazing T-day meal)

You are in cloth diapers 95% of the time (you sleep in a sposie at night) and I am loving it. You have never had one single diaper rash your whole life & you always look cute in your fluffy butt. Your Aunt Stacy is now proudly cloth-diapering your new cousin Pria & that has given us infinite amount of time to obsess about all the cute diapers. I am so happy to have someone else to share my obsession with. Your Daddy teases me a bit about how lovingly I organize your diapers, but I'm pretty sure he finds it ridiculously charming.

Your language is better and better. You understand so much. When I tell you to go get your "truck" or "ball" or "book" or "blankie" or "sippy cup" you look for them and then bring them to me! When I say I want to change your diaper you sprint far far away from me. You try to say "Diego" but it sounds like "Dygo." When those yippy neighbor dogs bark, you run to the window and bark back.

You LOVE the book "Jingle Bells," much to my dismay. You carry it to my lap at least five times a day. I'm quite possibly tone deaf so singing is simply not my bag, but I do it for you anyway because it's probably the right thing to do. You can hum three full bars of Jingle Bells now, which is pretty darn cool.

We love you so much little guy. You make me smile all day long. Thanks for your buckets of sunshine.

(My camera is on the fritz so there are only a few photos as of late. This is killing me. I didn't put a fancy new camera on my Christmas list either, so I am apologizing for your lack of pictures this month & the next few until I get this worked out buddy.)

Letter to a 13-month-old

Dear Dax/Daxy/Daxadocious,

Would you stop getting cooler and cooler and funner and funner? I don't think my heart can take it, it's going to explode. Especially in the mornings when I'm all sleepy and I don't want to hear your giggles, and I try to get you to stay asleep by snuggling in the bed with us but you always get squirmy and at some point you sit up and smile at me as if you alone own JOY. And I can't help but geniuinely smile, because I got blessed with the happiest brightest eyes and smile at 7am in the damn morning erg.

Then Daddy, bless his heart, gets up and does a quick babyproof (stair gate hitched, cat's water removed, phone up high), before we put you on the floor to toddle around like a maniac, moving things to and fro, while Daddy gets ready for work and I try to peel my brain from my deep dark awesome sleep and into the present which requires me to get up and do stuff. Lots of stuff. All day.

When Daddy leaves, I throw in the towel and leave the most cozy place on the planet to scoop you up and take you downstairs where we turn on some light morning tunes and cook breakfast together. You still like to cuddle up with me in the sling in the mornings as I waltz around the kitchen breaking eggs and chopping peppers and cutting fruit. I love to smell the top of your head and ruffle the curls by your neck.

You and me eat much of the same things and almost the same amounts, although you randomly get picky about weird things now, like too-soggy textures and hidden broccoli in macaroni. You still throw unacceptable things on the floor. While I've gotten 100 times better at sweeping & mopping, your habits of food dispensing cause the kitchen to look destroyed more often than I'd like to admit.

The rest of the day, I try to keep you out of the house and busy during the day or you get crazy and cranky. We go to my mom's playdate group at lot, and we go on walks in the neighborhood, and I run errands with you and take you to the park. I try to leave the house every day to keep your hunger-for-exploration satiated. Plus, we still have lots of visitors that keep you thrilled. Beth came this month again, and we finally planted those winter vegetables!

Your 13th-month started out with some extra time with your Grandma Deb after everyone else left. We took you to the nearby pumpkin patch where you were wheeled around in a wheelbarrow through the rows of bright orange pumpkins.

The main reason we went was because of the petting zoo. Your Grandma loves to introduce you to animals. She has her own farm up in Alaska where she teaches kids all about the farm and the animals and the food there. She wants to make sure you know all about it too! You did great with the goats & the llama & the camels.

A couple of days later, we took you to the Wild Animal Park up in Escondido for your first time! You fell asleep in my arms right as we took off on the big safari to see the giraffes, but when you woke up you got to see elephants & gorillas & monkeys & loons & all sorts of other fun stuff.

After your Grandma and Vito left, your father and I took you back to the pumpkin patch! Your Daddy wheeled you around this time in the wheelbarrow. They had all sorts of odd opportunities for photo-ops scattered around the little carnival, so I capitalized on the weirdness and took some shots.

how handsome is your father, geeezz?!

You have been sick all stinking month kid. I think my breastmilk is broken because it doesn't seem to be helping you at all. I feel like I am failing you. I think I need to carry sanitizer and wash your hands more, because this is getting ridiculous. 

You got well long enough at the end of the month to make it to a few Halloween events. My mom's playdate group set up a fun event at the park where everyone decorated the trunks of their cars and the dressed-up kids trick-or-treated from car to car. You wore an old polyester suit that your daddy had when he was young! You looked so dapper in your vintage pants and vest.

you don't eat candy, but I do let you play with it!

this is you with some of the other kids in their costumes

The actual day of Halloween was a very scary day for us though. You woke up and you were very wheezy and your breath was very heavy. It looked like you were struggling to breathe and your heartbeat was very fast. At the pediatrician's office, he was worried he might have to send you off to the hospital, but the breathing treatments we did there worked to calm down your breath. We were there almost all day as the doc checked all sorts of things and did a chest xray to check for pneumonia (I hated this one the worst!). You were diagnosed with severe bronchiolitis and we were sent home with a nebulizer to give you treatments every four hours.

Your Daddy and I pulled a mattress into your bedroom and your Daddy got up all night long and counted your breaths to make sure they weren't too high. We figured you needed a really good rest, so we just kept checking on you instead of waking you up all night. The next day you were much better and the pediatrician looked relieved. You recovered almost completely by the next day as if nothing had happened. Kid, oh kid, I can't imagine what other parents go through during a tough illness or something worse. It makes me ill to even think about. 

Dax in one of my fave cloth diapers & the first pair of shoes that  truly fit right

I have the best news ever for you though. This month, for the first time EVER, you slept through the night. It happened when the fams was here. We thought something happened to you, but you were always safe & sound. We thought it was a fluke, but it just kept happening. We couldn't believe it. What an enormous treat to sleep uninterrupted for 6-9 hours! I felt refreshed actually!

You still take two naps, but are getting close to transitioning to one. You smile and laugh all the time. You say 'dada' when I say 'bathtime' because he gives you most of your baths. You freak out when I take something away that you want. You chase Diego all around no matter how many times I say 'gentle buddy' and 'careful buddy.' You get a twinkle in your eye when you know you are doing something I don't want you to do. You know the words 'ball' and 'book' and 'blanket' and many others. Your understanding seems more and more each day. 

You are the light of my life, little buddy. You have filled my life with an enormous sense of purpose that I've never felt before. Life is harder, funner, fuller, and more amazing than ever before. I pray that I can be the mother that you need me to be.